


Corner of Your Heart

by wildcat_88



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Pain Train, Caretaking, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, F/M, Healing, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Size Kink, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-06-29 13:13:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 64,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15730104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildcat_88/pseuds/wildcat_88
Summary: Rey knows that the only way she can survive is to keep going to school and working at the dingy diner for Unkar Plutt.Her friend Finn has suggested countless times for her to just get a damn sugar daddy, but Rey isn't into handouts, and never will be.When Finn emails her an ad about a woman looking for a caretaker for her son. She almost can't believe the price they are willing to pay for just one day of work and on the flip side, they need her to live in the house with the man due to his inability to do certain things anymore. This one job could save her from the greasy diner, bills up to her ears, and allow her to finish school with less stress upon her shoulders.Gathering her courage Rey decides to take a chance and surprisingly gets the job with ease.As far as she knew she was going to be catering to a teenager, but when she is face to face with one brooding Ben Solo she knows that she was sorely mistaken.Plus she knows exactly who he is.She had been there the day his life was changed forever...





	1. Broken Glass

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the Ben Solo Pain Train friends!
> 
> Hop on or move along is all I can say lol 
> 
> Thank you to all my reader's undying support and love <3
> 
> Your comments have fueled my desire to continue writing and I seriously live for your words of encouragement! So, thank you, and seriously from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate each and every one of you!
> 
> You all are the true heroes and me? I'm just the one who hopes that you all enjoy my crazy creations <3
> 
> Much love!! <3

The sun beats down on her golden shoulders, threatening that it shall inflict more freckles upon her body if she doesn't have the mind to cover them up. Still, Rey has never minded the countless freckles that adorn her skin and would rather have them than not.

Her head bobs to the music that is blasting from her headphones. She freely dances, hips shaking from side to side. People laugh behind their hands at her careless display and as always she ignores the sneers directed her way.

Rey had never been one to care what people thought of her. The victim of constant bullying did nothing to burden her soul. The incidents of the past only sufficed to make her stronger. If her enemies could see her today, there would be no doubt that they would still call her cruel names or try to throw her lunch into the trash. All she would do is smile. She knew how to get under the skin of people that thought they could walk all over the weak.

Even through the headphones, she can hear the screeching of tires and a crunching sound that sends a shiver down her spine. Her head whips to where the sound came from only to see people screaming to get help. Before she can stop herself her feet have propelled her to where other bystanders cover their mouths in sheer horror. Pushing through the crowd she stands before a motorcycle that is destroyed and a mother is holding her child to her chest hysterically crying begging for someone to help the man lying lifeless on the street.

Ebony strands peek out from underneath the helmet, a deep laceration is to the side of his neck, and she notes no one is trying to stop the bleeding. Tearing the bottom of her shirt she quickly kneels down placing the cloth to his neck in hopes that applying pressure will stop some of the bleeding. His helmet is cracked in half, pushing it off of him her heart skips a beat at the sight of this man. There is more blood pooling out of a cut that starts at his eyebrow dragging down to below his jaw.

He is beautiful. She knows that should be the last thing on her mind, but she has never seen a man that looks like him. Coal-colored lashes fan across his cheekbones, a Grecian nose that accentuates all his other features. His face is a mask of peace right now and when he wakes it will be pulled into one of pure agony. She hopes that she will never have to see such a sight.

The sound of an ambulance pulls her attention only for a moment. When she returns her gaze to him she jolts at the sight of his eyes. They are the same color as his hair, beautiful, enchanting. Dark brows are pulled together in confusion, pools of black flit over her face trying to figure out where the hell he is. He tries to talk, but she shakes her head.

"You've been in an accident. Your neck is cut. Don't talk please."

His lips pull down into a frown and his expression shifts to disbelief. She notices his gaze has darted to his left hand covered by a glove that is torn up. Unsure of why he's suddenly breathing hard she tries to calm him down. The paramedics kneel down beside him trying to ask her questions, but she is too focused on the man before her.

"Shh, it is okay," she whispers, "Your hand will be fine."

She doesn't understand why he's worried about his hand. She can only hope that whatever the reason may be that in due time the wound inflicted there does heal.

"You need to stand back," An EMT demands, pushing her away from where she was holding pressure to his wound.

Reluctantly she stands moving back towards the crowd. She sends a silent prayer to whatever god may be listening that he will survive his injuries and become as good as new.

* * *

 

"I'm broke," Rey shouts into the tiny space of her run-down apartment. The panels are cracked and she's sure they are molding. She didn't even know what the feeling of a warm shower was. Being raised in an orphanage they were forced to bathe together and the water was always cold.

Back then she would shiver alongside the other unfortunate child as they helped each other clean off quickly so they could get under their scratchy covers. The blankets didn't produce much warmth, yet they were the best thing after a cold shower.

At eighteen she was able to leave the orphanage. She found a job at a diner where her boss Unkar Plutt made damn sure to remind her of what a filthy scavenger she was. It was a shit job, one that was needed unfortunately to afford the crappy apartment that she has now lived in for four years while going to school full time.

Luckily, she was able to get all online classes which meant she could continue to work the late hours and earn better tips that way.

Her diet usually consisted of fast food or anything she could afford that was no more than five bucks.

The struggle was tormenting, but Rey continued to plaster a smile on her face and worked her ass off in hopes that eventually her life would be much more than this lackluster one.

The shrill of her cell phone ringing jolts her out of her reverie.

"Hello?"

"So, are you still having fun being poor?"

Rey rolls her eyes at her best friend Finn's teasing tone.

"I already told you I'm not getting a sugar daddy."

Finn chortles, "Trust me, they don't all demand sex darling. Only a select few and plus they treat me oh so nicely. You and I both know that you need to get laid."

"As I said, I don't have time for a relationship. I can barely take care of myself how the hell am I supposed to be there for somebody else? It would be selfish of me to enter into a relationship right now."

"Yes, you have told this to me countless times honey, but actually I'm calling because I saw this ad online that might be more up your alley. I emailed it to you. Give it a look and tell me what you think."

"Sure. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye honey."

Setting her phone down Rey immediately opens up her crappy laptop scrolling to her emails. Opening the one Finn sent to her no more than ten minutes ago she scans over what the job entails.

**[Caretaker] -**

**The Position: We're looking for a caretaker for our son. The pay range we're offering is [400-500 a day].**

**Requirements:**

**Active**

**Responsible**

**Understanding**

**Friendly**

**Responsibilities:**

**Help our son stay active.**

**Make his breakfast, lunch, dinner.**

**He doesn't have much use in his left hand at the moment which makes bathing hard so yes, he will need some help with that.**

**Make sure he takes his medication.**

**Apply Derma E scar gel to his scars.**

**The Location: Star Ln, Jakku**

**Side notes:**

**We will require you to live in the house.**

**We will not be living there with you, but we will have our butler take care of groceries and any other needs you may have.**

**Our son is temperamental, but he wouldn't hurt a fly.**

**If you are interested call this number: 240-xxx-xxxx**

 

Rey scans over the ad a couple times, hazel optics pinned to what they are willing to pay daily. She would be able to live in the home too which would eliminate a list of problems she has. She bites nervously at her nail, staring down at her phone trying to decide if she's ready to pack up the couple of belongings she actually has to take care of some guy.

A full hour passes, the grumbling of her stomach alerting her that she should probably eat. All she had at the moment was a lousy cup of noodles. The hunger in her belly forces her to pick up her phone and dial the number.

It rings a few times before a sweet voice flits through the other side, "Hello, Mrs. Solo speaking."

"Um, hello this is Rey. I saw your ad and am interested in the job if it is still available."

Her voice changes on the other end to one of what sounds like excitement, "Yes! The job is still available. Do you mind if I give you an interview over the phone right now?"

Rey's palms are sweating, she wipes them off on her jeans, "That is perfectly fine."

"Great! So, how old are you?"

Strange question, "I'm twenty-two."

"Perfect! Do you do any type of physical activity?"

"I walk to work every day. The diner is a few miles from home so I would say I'm pretty active."

"Wonderful! Our son is capable of walking these days, but he's depressed about his hand and we can't seem to shake him out of the funk. Basically what I'm trying to say is that he has no problem being crass. Is that going to be a problem?"

"I used to be bullied and overcame it so I have no problem with putting people in their place if they choose to get mean."

"I like you already," Mrs. Solo laughs, "Are you capable of cooking?"

"I'm not the best chef, but put a recipe in front of me and I can make most anything."

"Do you have any issues with nudity?"

The question makes her skin burn. She wasn't exactly a prude when it came to nudity. Her life in the orphanage had done that to her, but still, she didn't know if this son Mrs. Solo was referring to was a man or a child. A child would be nothing. A man? Well, that was a whole other thing to handle. She didn't want the guy getting ideas.

She shakes her head realizing she hasn't replied yet, "Nudity doesn't bother me."

"Great, well, when are you available to start?"

Needless to say, she is shocked at how easy that was, "You're giving me the job?"

"Of course, you sound mature and willing to be there for our son. So, the sooner you can start the better."

"Does tomorrow work?"

"Yes! Please be there at 10 am on the dot."

"No worries, I will be there."

"Thank you, sweetheart, see you then."

"Goodbye Mrs. Solo."

Rey holds the phone to her chest; a wide smile tugs at the corner of her lips as she shakes her head in disbelief. That was way too easy and she wonders what the catch is. Letting that thought go she calls the diner letting them know she is quitting, Unkar is livid, but she doesn't wait around to hear him cursing at her. She calls Finn next telling him the good news. He is ecstatic for her, demanding all the gritty details tomorrow night.

She promises to let him know how it all goes and begins to pack up her meager belongings into a couple bags. Thankfully, her lease was up at the end of the month so she left her last check in the office along with a note that let the landlord she would no longer be living in the apartment complex.

Her last night in the apartment was definitely the best one she had.

She would finally be able to live a life where money wasn't her biggest worry. It may not be a long-time scenario. Still, it gave her the hope that she could finish school and finally do what she loves. This job would actually highly impact her life in the best way possible because she wanted to be a physical therapist. She could learn even more while taking care of the Solo's son.

She couldn't _wait_ for tomorrow.

* * *

 

The mansion stood proudly in front of Rey. It was painted white with gold trimmings around the arches of the windows. A balcony perched in front of one set of doors that made her wonder if that was where the one she would care for stayed.

 This was not what she had been expecting when she took the job.

A quaint two story house had been the image plastered in her mind. Yet, here she stood before tall, creaky iron gates that opened once she spoke through the intercom. Her feet dragged along the stone tiles that led to the tall glass door that when she got a closer look had an angel carved into it. The delicate wings spanned from corner to corner, hands reaching towards the heavens. She didn't dare touch it in fear that it would break.

The door was tugged open before she could even contemplate pressing the doorbell. A short elderly woman clapped her hands together. Her gray hair was pulled into a neat bun, gorgeous brown eyes warm as honey did a once-over of Rey and a smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

"Hello Rey, it's so very nice to meet you. Come on in."

Rey stepped a foot over the threshold, awestruck by the glass chandelier that shimmered almost blindingly in the noonday sun. They had a double-sided staircase, a walkway in the middle of them. The stairs were covered in a crimson color, the walls painted a pastel color that somehow didn't come off as completely mismatched. Expensive artifacts sat perched on marble pedestals.

Rey didn't know what the hell she had gotten herself into.

"My husband apologizes that he couldn't be here, but ever since he and Ben had a falling out he has refused to come around here. It's too difficult for him."

"Is that why you hired me because you two are tired of him?" She quirked a brow at Mrs. Solo, wondering if her accusation held any truth.

Mrs. Solo sighed, "He can be quite the handful and as parents, we have tried to be there for him, but he is stubborn. He doesn't want to be helped. We thought if a complete stranger was around him that maybe he wouldn't feel so pressured to get his life back on track. We can be a bit overbearing so we really hope your presence here will put him more at ease."

Rey nodded in understanding, "I'll do my best."

"We know you will honey. How about a tour?"

Rey learns Mrs. Solo's name is Leia; she married Han even though her parents hated the idea of her being with a man of lesser standing in society. Their love has always been all over the place, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

There are dozens of paintings that catch Rey's attention as they mosey through each room. The paintings are powerful depicting acts of war and love.

"Beautiful aren't they?" Leia lovingly runs her hands along one that shows a mother holding her son to her breast.

"Who painted them?"

"Ben."

Rey's heart stutters in her chest, "Don't tell me…he's left-handed?"

Sadness washes over Leia's face, she only nods and continues the tour.

"No mother wants to see her child in this state Rey. It's why I have to get away for some time. I love Ben, but Ben isn't Ben if he isn't doing what he loves. Ever since he was a boy he had a knack for all things art. All he wanted for his birthday and Christmas was art supplies. He made it big about six years ago and then a year ago he was in a horrible accident, it took away everything from him. You have to understand the last thing I want to do is leave him, but he doesn't want me around and I have to respect that."

Rey's eyes soften, gently she places her hand on Leia's shoulder, "I will do everything in my power to bring your son back to you."

"You're only human Rey. Well, I guess now comes the hard part, meeting him."

Leia leads Rey up one side of the spiraling staircase; every window is covered by a curtain shrouding the hallways in near darkness. It even feels colder up here and she suppresses the urge to shiver.

They stop at a door which is splattered in black paint hints of red underneath it. Leia raps on the door and waits. There is no answer, a soft sigh escapes her, "Ben, I want you to meet the woman who will be here to care for you."

An object bangs against the door startling them both, "Stop behaving like a child and come to meet her now!"

Rey is surprised at Leia's sudden outburst, but even more surprised at the voice that yells back.

"Go the fuck away! I already fucking told you I don't need anyone taking care of me!"

Leia doesn't seem to heed his demands instead she yanks out a key and unlocks the door pushing inside.

"Are you fucking kidding me ma?"

"Is that any way to talk to your mother?”

Rey still hasn't breached the threshold, suddenly terrified to meet the man inside.

"Get the fuck out! You can both take your sorry asses out of here and leave me alone!"

Gathering her courage she steps inside totally unprepared for the larger than life man standing before his mother. He glares down at her, ebony locks touching his shoulders that are strong and sturdy, so she believes they would be beneath her fingertips. Biceps are pulled taut showcasing the veins that run through them leading down to forearms that are lined with muscle. His chest is sculpted to perfection, but his mother hides the stomach that she has no doubt is well-built.

Her eyes flicker back up to his face. Dark brows are knitted in anger and then realization socks her straight in the stomach. She knows exactly who he is. The last time she saw him he was bleeding out after avoiding hitting a child that had chased after their ball.

The scar branding his neck and face a reminder of the pain he endured. The fear that shone in his ebony eyes when he glanced towards his left hand. Everything made sense now. He had been terrified he would never paint again and that fear had not been for naught.

She had told him he would be fine. Clearly, that was far from the truth.

Stormy eyes drive daggers into her as he scans her face, but she's thankful that he doesn't seem to know who the hell she is.

" _A girl_?" He scoffs shaking his head in disbelief. His left-hand trembles, the other one balled into a fist.

"She is not _a girl_ Ben. You will treat her with respect and if I hear you have been anything but a gentleman to her I will string you up by your damn balls. You hear me, Ben Solo?"

Rey is forced to stifle a giggle behind her hand, unfortunately, Ben notices. His jaw clenches before he turns away from his mother walking towards the balcony.

He is massive. The wide expanse of his back covered with scars and she wonders if all of them are from the accident. His black sweats hug his thick thighs, hanging dangerously low on his hips.

"I have to go Ben. Rey will be staying here from now on," Leia hesitates, "I love you, sweetie."

Ben says absolutely nothing. Leia is crestfallen at his silence but forces a smile on her face before turning to Rey.

"I wish I could stay, but I will speak to you soon. You will get paid at the end of every week if that is okay?"

"Of course. Safe travels to you, Mrs. Solo."

Leia weakly smiles and practically flees from the room. Rey watches as Ben's shoulders visibly relax at the departure of his mother.

"Are you hungry?"

His shoulders tense once again as if he had forgotten she was still there.

"No, I'm not fucking hungry. _Get out_."

"Ben, I know you want to be alone, but I'm only here to help. I'm becoming a physical therapist so maybe I can take a look at your hand."

Her heart drops to her stomach at the murderous glare that is now pinned on her. He stalked over to her like a wild animal, frozen in place she didn't think to get the hell out of dodge. Looming over her she stood face to face with the pale skin of his chest. Having to make eye contact with him made her want to shrivel up and disappear. It was inevitable though, like a string tugging at her eyelids she moved them up to his dark gaze.

His lips twist into a cruel smirk, "You're fucking quivering. Didn't my ma tell you I wouldn't hurt a fly?" He taunts and now she's not so sure she should have trusted Mrs. Solo.

Her eyes glance to his scarred hand, the tissue was damaged which meant he probably had lost a lot of feeling in it. It continued to tremble almost unwillingly. She wanted to feel bad for him, he was obviously troubled. Yet, that gave no excuse for the way he behaved. She had to put her foot down or else he would think her weak.

"She did, but here I was thinking you were just a child, not a child stuck in the body of a full grown man."

She was surprised at how even her voice remained, her heart was racing a mile a minute inside her chest, and she had feared that would cause her to stutter hopelessly. The fact she delivered it flawlessly amped up her courage and she placed her hands on her hips challenging him.

His nostrils flared in anger, jaw clenching at her insult. Then it's like all the anger is wiped out of him and his entire demeanor shifts into one of pure exhaustion.

"Get out," he says with absolutely no malice in his tone. Without another word, he gets into bed pulling the covers up and over him.

Rey decides not to fight him on it. Departing from the room, the door shuts behind her with a soft click. Heart pounding she exhales on a shaky breath and makes her way to her room down the hall.

Setting her phone down on the side table she notices a letter addressed to her.

_Rey,_

_I'm sorry your room is so close to his, but this is where I slept because Ben has nightmares almost every night. He NEEDS to be woken up and calmed down or else you will never get any sleep. I usually give him a couple melatonin pills with a Nyquil to help him knock out. I know it sounds horrible, but trust me it's for the best. Ben will act very alpha male and think he can walk all over you. He got his way with me. I'm his mother it's difficult to be cruel to him. I hate to see him suffering. He's my baby. However, I really do hope you put him in his place. He won't know what hit him. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk to me please feel free to call me at any time._

_Sincerely,_

_Leia._

 

Rey slumps down on the bed letting the letter rest on her stomach. Waking him from his slumber would not be something she was looking forward to. Today was the first day on the job, showing some mercy on her would be welcomed.

* * *

 

She starts awake, standing on sleep ridden legs. Falling to the floor like a brick hurts like a bitch, gritting her teeth she forces herself back on her feet. Wobbling over to the door she opens it realizing she was definitely not imagining the tormented yell coming from his room.

On a sharp intake of air, she hurries over not hesitating to storm in. Her eyes haven't adjusted to the pitch dark; stumbling forwards she braces herself to fall but manages to right herself. She exhales on a shaky breath reaching out, desperate to find any source of light. All she can hear is his afflicted cries and sharp growls.

Finally, she manages to flick on a lamp by his bed, he was huffing and puffing left hand trembling by his side as the other grasped onto the sheets. He was covered in a thin sheet of sweat. With a shaky hand, she rested it on his shoulder alarmed at how suddenly he awoke.

He sat up impossibly quick, struggling for breath.

"Hey, it's okay. You're safe," she said more breathily than she wanted to.

His head snapped towards her, furious pools of black stopping her heart and now she's the one gasping for air. He was unforgiving in the way he leered at her. She had forgotten she was in nothing but a tank-top and short shorts-she always slept without a bra.

She is entranced by his deep laugh, it is husky and almost sarcastic, "Did my mom put you up to this?"

He shoves the sheets off of him; she wishes he hadn't because it leaves him in nothing but black briefs. Long legs twist over the side of the bed, standing to his full height.

She finally finds her voice to reply, "She said you have nightmares that I should wake you when that happened."

"You believed her? She was smart to pick you out."

His words rub her the wrong way, "Are you saying your mother lied to me?"

"Of course she did. I don't need anybody waking me up from my nightmares. I get through them just fine on my own and she knows that. If it wakes you up then go sleep in one of the other rooms here. Now get the fuck out."

"You're a fucking douche bag," she hisses and stomps out reminding herself she needs this job.

The only thing she would have to endure is the wrath of one Ben Solo.

_Hopefully_ , he didn't pull her down into the flames with him.

* * *

 


	2. Mr. Misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I literally rewrote this chapter like ten times!  
> I just wasn't satisfied with the product and decided to take a couple steps back.  
> Hopefully, you all enjoy this next chapter!
> 
> As always thank you to all my readers, your comments are so beautiful and heartwarming. I seriously can't get enough of them! Thank you for taking the time to write paragraphs saying such nice things! I appreciate it so damn much <3
> 
> Much love <3

She wanders the halls failing at her attempt to ruse Ben from his slumber. If he didn't want to talk to her so be it, she wasn't going to use the key Leia left her all the time. He was a grown man and if he wanted to avoid her then that was how the cookie had to crumble.

She didn't want to pressure him too much and deter him even further from making progress. It was only day two, she was going to take things in strides.

Walking down the hallway she admired the paintings that he had created before tragedy struck. He was talented beyond belief, able to pinpoint an expression whether it be one of happiness, sadness, anger- Ben made you feel like you were there with that person feeling that emotion just through his paintings.

Yes, his behavior bordered on childish, still, she could understand why he acted as such. Ben had lost the one thing that made him feel like he had a purpose in this world and without it, he became the shell of the person he once was. It makes her wonder what he was like before.

_Did he smile? Laugh? Enjoy watching movies? Hang out with friends?_

She imagines if he did use to smile it would be shy, his laugh deep and rich like chocolate. Just thinking about it made her want to know. Shaking the thought away she continues her journey through the mansion.

She gets lost in a library- one that could easily rival the one in Beauty and the Beast- for a couple hours. If Ben actually read any of this she would be more than surprised. The next room she moseys into is filled with paintings. Her heart skips a beat at all the art that surrounds her and she knows Ben created all of these as well.

One painting catches her eye and she moves toward it. It is of a father, his son, and their dog. The father is lifting the young boy into the air while his arms are spread out wide like he is flying, a smile from ear to ear plastered on his adorable face. The boy has dark shaggy hair, a crooked smile, freckles on his pale skin, and she knows just by looking at it that it is Ben. The father is almost his complete opposite with brown hair, green eyes, golden skin, and she wonders how Ben ended up with such dark hair and eyes.

The dog is a mixed breed, perhaps a pit-bull and something else she isn't sure of. He has his tongue hanging out and looks like he is smiling up at the boy. Ben may act like he does not want his parents around, but this shows he was happy to have a mother and father doting on him.

Her hazel orbs drift to a painting sitting off in the corner that is nothing like his other ones. It is messy, uncoordinated, and splattered with black paint marring the sketch underneath. Undoubtedly he tried and failed with his right hand, she feels that knowledge in her gut, and gets the hell out of the room before she starts to feel even sorrier for the brute.

She finds solace in the backyard, the cool breeze hitting her flushed skin, and the Olympic sized pool calling her name. Luscious green grass surrounds the golden tile that borders the pool, but what really catches her eye is the hammock that stretches from one tree to the other. She runs to it excitedly and wastes no time climbing inside.

This place was hands down a little slice of heaven. Before she knows it she has dozed off only to be startled awake sometime later. The man that looms over her is on another level of tall, practically a skyscraper.

Blue eyes regard her curiously; his hair a mix of red and brown slicked back. The bushy beard that framed his face matched the color of his hair, untamed in comparison. He is dressed casually in jeans and a plain t-shirt.

"I didn't mean to scare you, darling. The name is Chewie, I'm what Leia likes to call the butler," he says warmly, stretching his hand out to her.

Rey shakes her head, "Don't apologize, I'm the one who was caught sleeping on the job, I should be saying sorry. I'm Rey by the way." Her face was bright red she knew that for sure.

She stood up completely, instantly swamped by his height and placed her hand in his. Somehow even though he was a hell of a lot taller than Ben, she didn't feel threatened by him. There was no bad aura surrounding him, it was all warmth. Ben exuded icy winds that made her skin crawl against her wishes. The last thing she could do is appear frightened by Ben's moods though. She had no plans to back down and he would come to understand that eventually.

 "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me and very nice to meet you," Chewie chuckles flashing her a wink.

"So you're not the butler?" Rey asks quirking her brow at him.

"No, I used to work with her husband so we all became a close-knit family. I've known Ben since he was born. I just help out with the groceries these days and Leia can't help but tease me relentlessly." He shrugs rolling his eyes playfully as if he is so put out by her endless teasing.

"You must really care about Ben," Rey murmurs sucking her bottom lip between her teeth, not sure if she should pry into the brute's life.

"I do. He's family to me. He used to call me Uncle Chewie, but these days he refuses to even see me. He won't tell me why he's shutting me out, it's a shitty situation to be quite frank, but I have to give him space. Ben has never been very capable of expressing his emotions in a healthy way. He tends to push away the people he loves the most."

There is sadness in Chewie's eyes as he speaks; it tugs at Rey's heartstrings making her want to wrap the burly man in a hug.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, I can help him see that life isn't all that bad. I always wanted a family, but I grew up in the foster system until I was eighteen, and after that worked dead-end jobs just to make ends meet. I've overcome bullying and being told I could never amount to anything. If I can get through all of that I know that Ben can overcome this and though his hand may never be a hundred percent if he would just let me I could help him achieve enough mobility in his hand to be able to paint again."

Chewie stares at her with a look of wonderment plastered on his face, "Wow, Rey. You are without a doubt one tough woman aren't you? I don't think Ben even knows what's about to hit him."

Rey's lips turn up in a smirk, "Trust me. Ben Solo will paint again. I'm sure of that."

"I like your spirit kid. Unfortunately, I have to head out, but I stocked the pantry, fridge, and freezer. I also left a book of recipes that hopefully will help you out."

"Thank you. I really do appreciate it Chewie. Also, thank you for listening. I hope to see you soon."

"It was a pleasure talking to you darling. Until next time," he said tipping his head at her before departing the premises.

Rey decides she should finish up some homework and then after perhaps try to get Ben to take his medication as well as a shower. The guy seemed to live in sweats and remained holed up in his room. She was still not sure how he remained so fit.

Heading to her room down the hall from his she stops by his door just to see if she can hear any movement inside. She is met with silence taking that as her cue to wait. She spends the next couple of hours writing an essay for her psychology class. Thankfully she is able to finish it and doesn't have to worry about any homework for the next few days.

Summing up her courage she shakes out her nerves and heads to Ben's door rapping her knuckles on the paint-splattered door.

"Ben, please just open the door. We need to talk."

Ben doesn't answer her so she knocks harder and speaks louder, "Ben, open the damn door, please."

"Go the _fuck_ away," she hears him yell from the other side.

Of course, it's not enough to have her scurrying away with her tail tucked between her legs, "I have a key Ben so we can do this the hard way or the easy way, up to you."

The door is yanked open only seconds later. Ben towers over her looking as pissed off as ever. Dark brows furrowed, his jaw clenched while stormy eyes drilled daggers into her skull. She noticed the slight twitch under his left eye; he was barely holding himself together right now.

"What do you want?" He snaps waiting impatiently for her reply.

"Have you taken your medication yet?" She questions remaining indifferent to his biting tone.

" _Yes_.”

"Ben,” she says not quite believing him.

He growls, baring his teeth at her and she's surprised he isn't foaming at the mouth, "I just told you I did.”

"Fine. Then take a shower, you reek."

That statement is far from the truth even now he smells citrusy, an enticing scent that makes her rub her legs together, but she knows he should still take a shower. They usually helped her feel better and maybe that would calm him down enough for her to apply the scar gel on him after.

"I don't take fucking showers," he snarls seeming almost embarrassed. She swears she sees his cheeks turning a shade of pink. Black bangs falling in his eyes as he turns his head to the side refusing to make eye contact with her now.

"Oh, um then a bath?" She stutters wanting to crawl into a hole for that sign of weakness.

"I don't need a damn bath now leave me alone."

She doesn't allow him to shut the door instead moving into his space taking him completely off guard, he is bewildered, dark eyes roved over her face sporadically.

"Now listen to me Ben Solo, this pity party has gone on long enough, don't you think it is time to move on and be happy? Are you seriously going to live as a hermit for the rest of your life?"

Bewilderment turns into raw fury, "You don't fucking know me so don't fucking act like it! You don't _know anything_ _and I'm not_ going to take shit from a little fucking girl!"

"I know that I could help you if you would just allow yourself to let go of what happened to you! Your parents love you and you don't even care! Chewie wants you in his life again and all you do is push them all away. You don't _have_ to like me. I'm here to show you that you're just being a big baby who wants to wallow in this pit of sadness. It's doing no good for you whatsoever!"

Her breath whooshes out of her when her back hits the door, Ben caging her in with his massive body. His right palm slams by her head. Now that she is this close she can see that his entire body is shaking. Not sure if it is anger or something she would rather not think about.

" _You little_ ," he bites his lip from saying the next word she has no doubt started with a ‘B', "What are you trying to prove? That you can make me go insane with a few sentences when you have known me for less than forty-eight hours? Well, congratulations, you know how to get under a person's skin now leave me the fuck alone before you wind up hurt."

Moving away from her he opens his balcony doors shutting down any further conversation. This is a lose-lose situation and she'd rather avoid the flames for another day. Departing from the room she returns to her own and dials, Finn.

It rings a couple times, "So, I see he hasn't killed you yet."

"Can't you be like normal people and say ‘Hello'," she grumbles falling back on her bed.

"Who do you think you are talking to honey?" Finn teases her; she could practically hear him smiling.

"There's obviously a reason you're calling Rey," he becomes serious ready to hear her spill everything to his eager ears.

She goes over how her first encounter with Ben was not what she had expected. When she explains that Ben is the same man she helped over a year ago not bleed out Finn gasps loudly over the phone, but doesn't interrupt. Continuing she tells him about waking him up and the events that transpired only moments ago. By the end of it, her heart feels heavy and she wishes that she didn't need money so damn bad.

"Geez Rey that is one intense situation you are in right now."

"I know," she whines, "Please, come over."

"Only if you get permission," he laughs.

"Fine, I'll call you right back."

"Talk to you soon honey."

Hanging up she immediately finds Leia's number in her phone and hits call.

She chews on her bottom lip hoping that she isn't being too forward by asking if Finn can come to keep her company barely on the second day.

Leia answers with a, "Hello."

"Hi, Leia, it's Rey."

Leia's laugh is sweet, "I know darling. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, I just wanted to make sure it was alright for me to have company over?" She anxiously waits for Leia's response.

"Of course! You can have a damn party there if you want to!"

Rey is instantly relieved by Leia's affirmation, "Thank you so much, Leia."

"You're very welcome. So, how is Ben?"

"Well, our last encounter did not go the way I planned. We may have gotten into a bit of an argument."

Leia audibly sighs, "As to be expected, but I do think you can make a lot of progress with him."

"I hope so. Um, I don't mean to offend you, but when I woke up Ben last night he told me that what you wrote in the letter was a lie…that he doesn't need anyone waking him up. Is that true?"

"Ben thinks he doesn't want to be awoken from his nightmares, but as a mother, I know damn well that boy is scared to death of the things that plague him when his eyes are closed. He will push you away at every turn. He just isn't comfortable with a pretty woman waking him from his slumber so he probably put up his defensive shield to make you think otherwise. Please, Rey, wake him up."

A pang of sadness cuts like a knife into Rey's side, even though she is unable to see Leia the sadness leaks through the phone tugging at her heart. She knows that Leia is telling the truth and that Ben was only trying to keep her at a distance. If she was being honest she didn't want to wake him up and take his wrath every night, but this is the reason she was getting paid. She needed to bring their son back to them one way or the other.

"I promise I'll wake him."

"Thank you so much, Rey. I have a meeting to attend, but I truly am grateful for you helping my son."

Rey tugs at her ponytail, "As always I'll do my best."

"Have fun tonight with your friend. Goodbye for now."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

Hanging up she shoots Finn the address and tells him to get his ass over her quick stat. She also tells him to make sure to bring boxed wine, popcorn, m&m’s, a six-pack of stone and last but not least Fight Club.

All she wanted to do was get drunk and watch the shit out of that movie. Finn sends her a winking emoji. Rey smiles to herself, putting on her silk pajamas. Tying her hair up, going to the kitchen to get a couple glasses for their wine, a big bowl for the popcorn, and patiently waits for Finn at the dining table. She scrolls through Tumblr while she does so.

It's roughly thirty minutes later when Finn is texting her to open the gate, she presses the button and hurries to the door yanking it open to see Finn parking his blue Prius in one of the designated parking spaces they had painted.

She is unable to help herself from running over to him yanking him into a hug. It feels like forever since she has seen him, his earthy scent filling her senses reminding her of when she first met him.

He was full of sass and witty comments matching her personality so perfectly that it was no wonder why they became fast friends. He too was wearing his silk pajamas too and she couldn't hide her smile. Finn already knew that tonight was movie night where they put on their matching pj's and got mad drunk watching none other than Fight Club. This was their monthly ritual even if they weren't able to see each other that often.

Breaking the embrace she helps him with the goodies, he whistles approaching the threshold of the mansion.

"This place is out of a fantasy."

"That is exactly what I thought when I arrived. They didn't tell me that it was a freaking mansion I'd be living in. I'm definitely not complaining though."

Shutting the door behind them Finn is thunder-struck by the paintings that hang proudly on the walls.

"Your boy painted all these?" He quirks his brow mouth hanging open in complete awe.

"He's not my boy," Rey glares at him, "And yes he did paint all of them."

"Poor baby, no wonder why he is so depressed. He has crazy talent."

"Still doesn't excuse his shitty behavior. C'mon I need a drink."

Entering the kitchen they throw the popcorn in the microwave, Rey puts the beer in the fridge while Finn fills up their glasses with cheap wine. Once the popcorn finishes they pour the m&m's in the bowl along with it. They were fiends for the salty and chocolaty flavor the combo provided. No movie night was truly right without the mix of everything combined.

Bringing the boxed wine with them into the enormous living room with the equally large television, Rey sets up the movie, while Finn gets cozy on the leather couch setting the wine on the coffee table.

Rey jumps next to Finn taking a generous amount of her wine, the surround sound roars around them causing them both to look at each other with goofy smiles. They both couldn't afford the finer things in life so something like this was only available if they forked over twelve bucks to go to the theater. They both excitedly squealed as the movie began.

By the middle of the movie, they were giggling due to already finishing off the boxed wine and now moving onto the craft beer that they loved. The popcorn was a good deter for their drunk meter, but still not enough to stop their flushed cheeks and laughter at absolutely nothing.

The part in the movie wasn't even supposed to be funny, but this was just how it was for them. They loved being in each other's company and nothing could ruin that or so she thought. At the same time, they both go rigid by each other feeling a dark energy surrounding them.

"Is it just me or did it become hella cold in here," Finn whispered to Rey.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ben’s biting tone came out sending shivers down her spine and no doubt Finn's.

They stood abruptly turning to face Ben who loomed behind the couch filling it with his menacing presence.

Finn hugged his beer tighter to his chest unable to talk as he stared at Ben like he was the god of hell standing before him.

Ben's jaw was tight as usual; brow twitching ever-so-slightly, furious black eyes pinned on Rey. He didn't seem to know what a shirt was revealing his pale skin to the two of them. She was surprised at how shameless he seemed to be not even caring to be half-naked around her all the time.

"Your mom said it was okay," she blurted.

His brow rises, eyes narrowing, "Oh, did she now? I don't have any knowledge of her paying the fucking bills around here. This is my fucking house, not hers," he growls, bristling with barely constrained rage.

Drops of sweat bead at her temple, her skin throbs with too much energy. He's a wild animal ready to kill his prey and she'd rather save Finn than herself, "I'm sorry. I should have asked you before I invited him over."

She doesn't really want to apologize, but if this place is truly his than she really should have asked him personally if Finn could come over. Also, she is drunk, and the last thing she wants to do is argue with him.

"Are you fucking drunk?" His head tilts to the side almost adorably and she hates herself for even thinking he was anything but detestable.

"We sure are, captain," Finn declares saluting Ben.

 Rey is unable to stifle the obnoxious laugh that escapes her. She covers her mouth, Finn and her raising their brows at each other in a knowing exchange. They both feel like two children that got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and were now being reprimanded by their evil step-father. The thought made her giggle even harder and as if reading her thoughts Finn joins her.

Ben glowers at them, "Next time I find someone I don't know in my house I won't be so nice, _understand_?"

Rey nods jerkily, "I understand."

He lets out a gruff sound turning away from them.

"My god that looks like it was painful," Finn says thinking he whispered it; but by the way, Ben's body goes stiff, he definitely heard the remark.

He storms off; even from downstairs, they hear the slamming of his door both flinching.

"That may not have been the best choice of words."

"No shit Finn."

"You didn't tell me had a ton of scars on his back! How was I supposed to be ready for that!?"

"You could have kept that comment in your head until he was out of hearing distance, but let's just forget that incident and finish up the movie."

For the rest of the movie, Rey can't shake the thought of Ben's sturdy body out of her head. She really wonders how the guy was able to stay so fit if he wasn't able to do much with his left hand. Yet, his left arm was still equal to his left, strong with muscle that had her wishing she could just touch him at least once. Only to sate her curiosity that is.

 She knew that wasn't the truth though, his dark eyes, ebony locks that were undoubtedly soft sent her brain spiraling into a world of things she did not need to be thinking about. Shaking her head she tried to put the images swarming there out of sight out of mind.

All she had to do was stop finding him so damn attractive and then everything would be smooth sailing. Too bad for her finding Ben unattractive was like trying to say the moon didn't appear in the sky every night.

She just needed to keep up the indifferent act. Even though on the inside all she wanted to do was run away and get as far as she could from Ben. He was the kind of trouble that would take her heart and smash it into too many pieces to put back together.

* * *

 

Her head aches upon waking, rolling on her side she sees that Finn has left leaving behind a note telling her he had a client to attend to and will call her ASAP. The sweet bastard even left her a glass of water along with aspirin. Eagerly she gulps down half the glass and throws back the pills. Setting the glass back down she burrows her face into the pillows willing the headache to abandon her quickly so she can go check on the brute.

A shower was vital though and a good scrubbing for her teeth. Forcing herself out bed she checked the time noting it was barely eight am; Finn sure had an early demand for his services she thought. Not thinking much more into it she steps into the bathroom that is basically the size of her old apartment.

The bath was basically a spa; the sink looked like it was made of porcelain, shiny and enticing. She gasps as her eyes are drawn to the painting that hangs above it.

It is of a man and woman reaching out to one another, there is confliction on both of their expressions. Darkness surrounds them a storm brewing in the sky. The painting draws her in such as a moth would to the flame. Just by the way they are desperately trying to get to one another she can tell they are lovers.

Looking closer she can see he even added mud stains on their jeans, puddles that have their reflections staring back at them. Such small details that most people might miss the first time they see it but if one took the time they could appreciate just how much effort Ben put into his work.

Her mind wanders to Finn's words, " _No wonder why he is so depressed. He has crazy talent."_

He couldn't be more right. The sad aspect of life was that it is unforgiving; it had no mercy in taking something that was profoundly a part of Ben's life.

Her gut clenched, remembering staring down at his body knocked unconscious. The official report that aired on the news from a dozen eyewitnesses was that the kid came out of nowhere there was no way Ben could have stopped. They told the reporter that he reacted so quickly tilting his bike to the left crashing hard on his side to avoid killing the young boy, even though he was going the correct speed he skidded to a stop. When she had approached him his bike was far from him, lying on his back barely breathing.

So many people had surrounded him, but no one thought to do what she did. She'd like to think she helped keep him alive and now fate was taunting her. There had been so much blood on her hands, some people asked her to stay around for the reporters, but all she wanted to do was rid the blood that felt like it was seeping into her pores threatening her in a way she didn't understand.

 Everything clicked into place now that she had met him again. What she wanted to wrap her head around was why life had led her back to him.

Could this be her purpose in life? To save Ben Solo from himself? Or was she actually being haunted by death itself for saving Ben that day he was perhaps supposed to die? The thoughts are silly and she decides it's best to accept this for what it is.

_A job and nothing more._

She starts the shower stripping her pajamas off and warily steps inside. Warmth annihilates her and she moans in pleasure at how good it feels. Cold showers had been her life. Of course, Finn always offered for her to use his shower, but she always declined not wanting to raise his bill. He struggled too, not so much anymore, but still, she had never been one to mooch off others.

Basking under the warm water, she gets lost for what seems like hours before she finally steps out drying off and changing into a summer dress not wanting to feel jeans hugging her legs right now. She lets her hair air dry after brushing and makes her way to Ben's room. She is taken aback to find the door open, peeking in she doesn't find Ben inside.

Confusion pulls her brows together. Abandoning the room she continues till she reaches downstairs and still there is no sign of Ben. The last place she decides to look is outside and there she finds him under the early morning rays lying back on the cement completely drenched. Black boxer briefs mold to his body a bit too perfectly.

Her breathing becomes jagged so much so that she has to bite the inside of her mouth to stop herself from hyperventilating. He had the body of a warrior, strong-set shoulders, broad torso made for sin, sculpted chest that rose and fell gently-then there was the spot between his legs that was no doubt not at its full potential, but even in its current state hinted that it could easily hit the deepest most intimate spots inside of her.

That causes her face to flame in shame. _She shouldn't even be having such thoughts_!

Still, her eyes wander lustfully over the droplets of water that skims down his stomach, to the trail of black hair starting at his navel, leading to a place that she was starting to get much too curious about.

 Gathering her sanity she strides over to him, the movement catches his eye and she shudders when his dark orbs meet hers. She can only hope that the way she is acting doesn't give away her lecherous thoughts.

_Indifference! Indifference!_

"Are morning swims your thing?" She hovers a little off to the side of him not wanting to give him an eyeful of what is under her dress.

What she hates is that he isn't one bit bothered by his near nakedness and yet she is over here squirming desperately trying to fend off the wetness pooling between her thighs at how sexy he is.

He is shameless.

Ben ignores her standing up to his towering height before moving past her. Her traitorous eyes follow him admiring the way his briefs show off his firm ass. Screaming inside her head she goes after him.

"Hey, it's not polite to just ignore me."

"I don't have to fucking make nice with you, little girl, so leave me the fuck alone," he snarls not sparing her a glance while he made a beeline for his room. She managed to keep up with him.

"You need to take your medication."

"I already did."

"Then are you going to take a bath?"

"You sure ask a lot of fucking questions."

Ignoring the quip she stops him from shutting the door in her face, he glares at her standing in his room with her arms crossed.

"So, why do you have to take baths?"

He radiates heat, a wild look in his dark eyes, it causes a knot to form in her stomach, but she doesn't stand down. Ben is definitely an alpha male, all primal energy, charged, and ready to strike. Upper lip curled, brows arched menacingly and there is a haunted look in his eyes that scares her.

"Stop prying into my fucking life. My mom may want you here, but I sure fucking don't. I know why you're here; my mom is paying you handsomely and allowing for you to stay here rent free. Still, if it was up to me I'd already kicked you out on your damn ass."

"Then why don't you kick me out on my damn ass? What's stopping you, Ben?" She demands, her heart pounding much too hard for her liking.

His eyes darken further, "That is none of your fucking business."

She takes a daring step towards him, noticing his chest has begun to rise and fall faster, "Is it because you need me now that your mother has left you? Is it because you're injured still and you aren't capable of doing the things that used to come to you with ease so without me you'd starve and just be a dirty bum?"

"You are a little bitch aren't you?" He says with a tight smile, left hand trembling harder than usual.

"You're just not used to someone standing up to you," she smirks up at him, the knot in her stomach lessening.

"How about you take a _fucking_ hint and start leaving me the _fuck_ alone."

Suddenly, he's sucking in a harsh breath, agony pulling his face taut. He falls to his knees, hunched over in pain clutching desperately to his hand.

She's rendered speechless at the heart-wrenching whimpers that escape him. He is digging his forehead into the carpet, without thinking twice she is falling to her knees before him with a wince.

He's burning up when she rests her hand on his shoulder, "Ben, what is happening, please talk to me. I don't know what to do," she asks fear icing her blood.

"M-My m-medication," he manages to say. She searches frantically for it finding it on his dresser. Opening it with shaky hands she reads that he gets two a day, but he told her he already took them.

"Ben, you already took some today, I don't want you to overdose," she worriedly hushes out.

"I-I l-lied, _please_ ," he begs reaching blindly for her landing on her thigh gripping it tightly. The touch shocks her, but she disregards it pouring the pills in her hand and grabbed the back of his hand turning it over to press them to his palm. He takes them swallowing them down without the need for water.

He's gasping for air; tears have formed in her eyes due to seeing how easily his pain brought his powerful body down. Her fingers thread through his hair and before she can stop she is pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. She had prayed to the gods the day of the accident that he would be okay and they had betrayed her.

The kiss jolts him causing him to tear away from her as he tries to process what just happened. There is a longing that makes her body prickle wanting to help him, but knowing he won't let her.

His cheeks are bathed in red as he scrambles to his feet so unlike the predator, he was only moments ago.

"You should go," he says fiercely.

"Please, just let me help you, Ben," she whispers sadly, the tears at the corners of her threatening to fall.

"I don't need help," he replies sounding defeated before he goes into his bathroom the sound of the water turning on catching her attention.

She forces the tears away, not ready to stand down just yet. He notices her arrival into the bathroom; a heated glare pointed her way.

"I know you need help with your hair. You won't say it, but I know that's what your mom helped with."

His frown deepens, there is a flush still prominent on his face, "I'll be just fine on my own."

"Stop being stubborn." Rey maneuvers past him testing the water steadying her quickening breath. Swallowing the lump in her throat she turns the water off once it fills up.

She steps back giving him some privacy fiddling with her thumbs. However, his back facing away from her causes her eyes to flit to him.

With no shame whatsoever he grabs a cloth turning away from her, he shoves his briefs down and reveals his ass to her. Her face flames, entire body going rigid at the sight.

 She could tell it would be firm to the touch, her fingers twitched at the thought of squeezing it. Her lips part as she checks him out to her dismay. Dark locks caress the nape of his neck and she wishes she could be those strands right now. He has a smattering of freckles on the wide expanse of his shoulders and more that spiral down his spine, and now that she is looking even some on his ass.

He uses the cloth to keep the front of him covered from her eyes, stepping into the tub, and sitting down without making eye contact with her.

Suddenly, he sinks underneath the water, little bubbles float to the surface. She bites on her lip waiting for him to appear again, but when it feels like minutes have passed she worries he is trying to drown himself right in front of her. Just as she's about to jump in to save him he surfaces. Pushing his hair out of his eyes he doesn't look put out at all that he just held his breath long enough to worry the hell out of her.

Glowering at him, he ignores it by grabbing a bottle of conditioner. Wading over to her he shoves it into her hands almost knocking her off balance. He faces away from her once again allowing her to stick her tongue out at him. She does note his left-hand remains under the water which means he still holds the ability to keep the cloth covering himself. That's a good sign she thinks 

Opening the cap she is annihilated with a fresh scent that makes her want to bask in it forever. If he is going to smell like this she's not sure what she is going to do with herself, he already smelled amazing naturally. Reluctantly she puts some of the substance onto her palm and sets the bottle off to the side rubbing her hands together. She hovers over his dark hair for a moment and before she can let her mind get the better of her begins to massage the conditioner into his hair.

Even wet it is like silk beneath her fingertips. She never knew hair could feel this soft to the touch and finds herself being entranced by it. Finally coming out of her daze a moment later realizing who is sitting naked in front of her. She makes sure to coat the conditioner evenly through the dark strands.

She massages it into his scalp, gently scraping his scalp with her fingertips.

"Fuck," she hears him curse under his breath. His right-hand grips the edge of the tub causing his knuckles to go white.

She wasn't meant to hear the one word, but now that she did her curiosity got to her. His shoulders were visibly tense, but she figured it was because he didn't want to enjoy this. Getting brave she gently tugged at the strands at the nape of his neck. A low groan escaped him and went straight to the apex of her thighs. Wetness began to pool there and that was her cue to abandon ship. Letting go of his hair she waited impatiently to let it sit in his hair, an awkwardness forming between them.

A moment later she rinses it out for him, standing to depart.

"You can handle it from here right?" Somehow managing to not let her voice shake.

"Yeah," he mutters. She doesn't look back scurrying out of his room and picking up speed once she was in the hallway.

In the safety of her room, she lets out a haggard breath. Ben was starting to get under her skin and that would be her downfall…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO
> 
> Tumblrrrrrr link below
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	3. Only Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sing to me the song of the stars  
> Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again  
> When it feels like my dreams are so far  
> Sing to me of the plans  
> That you have for me over again."  
> -Switchfoot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg the comments that you all have left me are just beautiful!!!  
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Much love <3

_"You're going to make it big someday kid. Keep up the good work."_

_Han ruffles his son's mass of black hair. Ben beams up at him, "Thanks, dad."_

_Han smiled, "You sure are getting big Ben. You're only ten and already as tall as I am."_

_Ben rolls his eyes, "You already knew I was going to be taller than you someday. Just give me another year."_

_"You're cute, kid."_

_Ben pushes his dad's hand away, "Leave me be, old man, this won't draw itself."_

_Han just laughs, warm and rich._

Ben wakes with a start, sitting up covering his racing heart. It was not the usual nightmare that plagued him, instead, it was a memory that he longed to return to. The trembling of his left hand reminds him those days are dead and gone. There is no point in letting himself think that he could be the son he once was.

Tossing the covers off of himself, he lays on the floor doing his sit-ups. A hundred every morning, followed by fifty one handed push-ups, and last but not least a swim. He had tried to do push-ups with both hands and wound up falling straight on his face. His left hand didn't have the capability to hold him anymore. It had felt like fire putting pressure on it, swimming kept him fit, and didn't strain his hand.

Just thinking about swimming made him think of _her_.

 He could feel her eyes on him before he even chanced to give her any attention. She obviously found him attractive, there was no point in her denying the fact. It would be a mute point.

She may hate his personality, but she couldn't deny her physical attraction to him. He really wished that didn't turn him on so damn much. Still, it had been fucking forever since he had fucked into a woman like she was the only thing keeping him tethered to this world.

Before the accident, his life had been set. He had managed to make a living off of his work, he had amazing friends and a devoted family that he could rely on. There was also Elizabeth, his ex-fiancée. She loved him even though he was always putting his work first.

Life after the accident was a disaster for him. He no longer was able to do the one thing that made him feel whole. Waking up on a hospital bed, his eyes had been bleary until they focused enough to see where he was, and that's when panic had set in. His father was beside him, green eyes framed in red.

It was staring down to see his hand with pins in it keeping his fingers straight and hand aligned that he lost himself to his tears. He had sobbed in his father's arms like a child.

The likelihood of his hand ever getting better was grim. The doctor's had no faith in it ever being hundred percent even with therapy and time. The realization he may never paint again hit him like a ten-ton truck, his blood raged like a forest fire. The hatred continued to build and build until it took his heart drenching it in darkness.

The first person he lost to his anger was his fiancée. She was timid, shy, a pretty little thing who barely reached 5 foot. At times he found their height different almost silly. He had to bend at the waist to be able to reach her lips and her stand on her tiptoes to meet him. He had loved it though. He had loved her, but his heated nature was not what she was used to. The cruelty of his actions caused her to leave her ring on the bedside table and she was gone without another word.

She was better off without him he knew that for certain.

Then there was his father. A couple months ago they went toe to toe, he ended up punching his father right in the face. Seeing his dad crash to the floor had opened his eyes to the monster he had become. Immediately he was desperately begging for forgiveness unable to stand the way his mother cried or the way his dad stared at him like he wasn't even his son. Green eyes unforgiving. He had walked right past Ben and they hadn't seen each other since.

Chewie and his mom were the only two that have stayed by his side even though he hurt them constantly with his words, but now he had officially pushed his mother away too. Chewie gave up on him somewhat, still dropping off food, but never staying like he used to.

This is what he deserved even though it felt like a blade digging into his ribs. He would just continue to hurt them if they stayed.

Rey was a different breed that he didn't know what to make of. Her flames were almost as venomous as his own. She didn't cower in fear like everyone else did when he got angry, her sharp tongue always ready to strike back at his insensitive comments.

The girl had legs for days, big hazel eyes that drew him in, and freckles smattering her golden skin. He wanted to count every freckle just to be able to touch her skin and find out how soft it really was.

Still, he hated the fact she had no problem putting him in his place. He usually went for women that were on the shier side who didn't talk back to him. Yet, the way Rey stared at him with fire in her eyes had him hard as fuck in an instant.

Shoving the thought away he turned on his stomach pushing himself up with one hand. His nose touched the floor each time, gritting his teeth to keep himself going even though he was ready to give up. He didn't really feel like face-planting so he kept going until finally, he reached fifty. Gathering his breath he stood up stretching a bit. Shucking his pants off he moved to depart his room until a rapping at the door stopped him.

 _Seriously?_ It had to barely be nine.

All he wanted to do was fucking take a swim in peace.

With a shit ton of willpower, he opened the door glaring down at the woman who couldn't seem to leave him the fuck alone. He didn't miss the way her eyes glanced down to where he was clad in boxer briefs. Her cheeks turned a rosy color, hazel orbs meeting his startled by the fact he was watching her so intently.

"See something you like, _sweetheart_?" He bit out, hand tightening on the door handle so he didn't do something stupid like beg at her feet for her to just like him. To like him even though he was a major fucking dick with an attitude problem.

The flush on her face deepened, clearing her throat as she crossed her arms over her chest only sufficing to push up her breasts giving him an eyeful of cleavage.

"I wanted to see if you were hungry, one of my duties is to make sure you eat."

"If I was hungry I could just make something myself."

"I don't think the TV dinners I found in the trash are going to do anything for your health. You need to eat vegetables and fruits the healthy things you know. I can make you eggs mixed with bell pepper, Italian sausage, and if you really want me to I can also throw some bacon on a pan too."

She tapped her foot impatiently waiting for his answer. The food she was willing to make for him sounded enticing as hell, but he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of knowing he totally wanted that. Instead, he chose his idiocy over his hunger and pushed past her ending the conversation without giving her an answer.

He hears her mumbling something under her breath, but can't make out the words.

"Would it kill you to be just nice for one fucking second!" She called after him, the venom in her voice causing him to wince. He needed to get to the pool to clear his mind of the thoughts that were plaguing him when it came to her.

Yet, it seemed like Rey wasn't going to let him get off the hook that easy. He hears her stomping up behind him and then the feel of her fingers gripping his forearm. Yanking out of her grasp he spins to face her, broad chest puffing up and down in rage.

"Do not fucking touch me," he snarled such as a wounded animal would if someone was getting too close.

"Get over yourself, Ben. I don't understand why you have to keep behaving this way. I'm here to help you! I can help your hand heal faster if you just let me show you some techniques! I'm not in school to be a physical therapist for no damn reason and I've had enough schooling to possibly work with you to get your hand a better range of motion! Don't you want to paint again!?"

She was breathing hard, passionate words rubbing him the wrong way. He truly hated how she acted like she knew anything about him. He didn't want fucking help, especially not from her.

"You are one infuriating bitch," he growled right in her face not prepared for the hard slap across his cheek. It shocked the hell out of him, stinging with the force that was put behind it.

His pulse is throbbing, heart pounding like a drum staring down at the girl that showed no fear whatsoever. Hazels glaring up at him, fists balled in anger, and lips pulled tight in a thin line.

"How dare you call me that Ben. I let it go the first time, but I'm not going to stand for it a second time."

He must have been a glutton for punishment with his next choice of words, "Okay, fine, then you're a fucking cunt."

The next slap is hurled across his other cheek, it feels like his teeth are being rattled, brain getting dislodged in his head. It hurts so damn bad.

He finds himself laughing, earning him another slap that hurts just as much as the second one, and yet he can't stop laughing like a lunatic. It pisses her off because suddenly she is hitting him anywhere she can, tiny fists pounding on his chest. Pants push past her lips, then by some sorcery, she knocks him on his ass, swiping his legs out from underneath him causing all the air to whoosh out of his lungs. Her small frame lands on his stomach, hands wrapped around his throat applying pressure.

He can only grasp onto her wrist with his one hand, gazing in awe as her stormy hazel eyes held his dark ones.

"Listen closely, Ben Solo. I've dealt with your kind all my life, you bottom feeders that think they can bully anyone just for the hell of it. I was picked on and tormented, but once I learned how to defend myself my bullies came crashing to the ground just like you. You think because you're a big man that you can say anything you want to me and get away with it, but you are dead wrong. If you want to never paint again then fine I'll leave you to wither away into nothingness, but if you do want to do the one thing I know you love with a passion then you will let me help you. You're not a child Ben so stop acting like one."

Her hand tightened slightly, a soft moan escaped him, and he wished that he could wither away for real. Her eyes widened at the noise, eyes flitting between his own looking for a reason he himself didn't know. She had made him hard just by what she said, but the whole sitting on his stomach with her hands wrapped around his throat was a whole other situation that made him horny as fuck. He would give up anything to be able to push the flimsy material of her shorts and panties to the side and thrust up into her.

Letting go of his throat he sucked in a much-needed breath of oxygen.

"Still acting like you know anything about me," he chuckled weakly with her still sitting atop him.

"I know that you're hurting and that you think you're all alone, but you're not. You have a family that loves you and I want to help you, Ben. _Please_."

He doesn't' know why he does it but he lays his palm on her bare thigh feeling her jolt.

"If you want to help me so much then you can just ride my cock. _That_ will make me feel better," he said with a smirk knowing it was one way to get under her skin.

On cue, she is off of him in a heartbeat marching away to her room, the slamming of her door echoing throughout the hall. With her gone he can breathe easier, the sting of her slaps still burning. His cock aching, balls going blue with how badly he had wanted her. She was getting too close to breaking through his defensive walls and that scared the hell out of him more than anything…

* * *

 

His body trembles as he pops the top of the pill bottle off. Pouring the necessary amount on his dresser, he takes them swallowing and lays back down on his bed trying to stop shaking so hard. His body has broken out in a cold sweat, harsh pants leave him. The only reason he is able to fall asleep is due to the pain knocking him out.

" _Why couldn't you love me, Ben? Was I not good to you?" Elizabeth stares up at him with her pretty blue eyes._

_"Of course you were good to me. I loved you," he hesitates, "I still do."_

_Her eyes turn sad, "No, Ben, you don't love anything anymore. You pushed everyone away and now you have been reduced to nothing. You're pathetic and you will die never being able to paint again."_

_"Please, don't say that. I-I'm trying-"_

_"You are not trying! You wallow in self-pity every single day and do nothing to change! You'll only drag that poor girl down with you!"_

_"No! I can change!"_

"Ben, wake up," a voice calls to him.

"Please, don't leave me," he whispers reaching out desperate for her touch.

"Ben, it's Rey, please you need to wake up!"

His eyes shoot open to see Rey hovering next to the bed shaking him awake. He throws the blankets off, legs turn to hang over the bed and he yanks her into him. Pressing his forehead into her sternum he wraps his arms tightly around her slim waist.

"B-Ben, what are you doing?"

He can feel her heart fluttering, lithe body quivering in his arms.

"I hurt all the people I love. _I'm fucking toxic_. I _deserve_ to rot in hell for the things I've done, for the things I've said. _I'm a fucking monster_. I don't even know who I am anymore or why I'm here. I am _nothing_ without the ability to paint."

His left-hand trembles as it rests on her lower back unable to clutch to her like the right does.

"Ben, you _can_ change. You _are not_ a monster and you _are not_ alone."

Pulling back he allows his dark eyes to meet hers in the dim light, "Neither are you."

She gasps, reaching up to lay her hands on his shoulders, "Let me help you."

"I don't think I can be helped."

"You have to at least try. You'll never know otherwise."

She is so pretty, hair tousled from sleep, tight tank-top showing off that she is not wearing a bra. Her nipples have turned into tight peaks that practically shout at him to touch them. In this state of mind between exhaustion and lust, he bravely reaches his right hand up to cup her breast thumb skimming over the bud.

"Oh god, _Ben_ ," she whispers deliciously digging her nails into his shoulders.

He can't help himself he shoves her tank-top up revealing her rosy nipples, small and perfectly proportioned. He groans at the sight, wasting no time in sucking one tight peak into the warmth of his mouth. Flicking his tongue out he is rewarded with a loud moan from the writhing beauty. Right-hand drops to hold onto her ass, left remaining at the small of her back managing to keep her close.

He circles around her areola, nipping at her bud before giving attention to the other one. She doesn't hold back the moans that cast a spell on him. Even with Elizabeth, she had never been this responsive when he played with her breasts, she had always been too scared to show her dirty side. Sex was usually vanilla, now that he thinks about it he never fucked her like an animal, never took her from behind and pounded into her. Missionary was their thing and the occasional girl on top, but nothing out of the ordinary or even slightly kinky.

With Rey he could tell that things would be passionate, full of hair pulling, biting, and rough sex that left them both wanting more. He wanted that with her, but with an abrupt movement, she is pulling out of his arms tugging her top back down.

"No," she mutters, "We can't do this. I want to help you but we can't." She shakes her head and departs the room leaving him dazed and confused.

Falling back on the bed he pushes his briefs down and finds completion to the way her moans sounded while he sucked hard on those rosy nipples of hers.

This was not going the way he wanted. Not one fucking bit.

* * *

 

Her heart raced slamming her back up against the door. She couldn't believe she just allowed him to do that to her! He almost made her come! His tongue was talented beyond belief, just thinking about how it would feel in another area had her face flaming and skin throbbing.

She had let things go much too far, but the desperation in his voice had done something to her that she was unable to fight. She yearned to help him, but sex would just complicate things. They had already gone past a point of no return and now it was up to her to make sure it didn't go any further. No matter how much she wanted Ben above her, holding her legs over those huge shoulders, and fucking into her with a fury that she knew would be untamed and raw-she just couldn't allow it to ever happen.

There was only one person she could talk to and even though she knew she wasn't supposed to invite anyone over without permission, right now she needed her friend.

When Finn arrived they snuck into the living room and did their best to keep their voices low. It was the middle of the night, but she knew Finn would come to her aide with no issue whatsoever.

"Don't fret darling, you are only human and he's one fine piece of ass. I can see why it was difficult to resist him in the heat of the moment, but you can't beat yourself up over it. You're two grown adults and you can resolve the issue without making things more awkward than they already are."

"I'm scared that I'm going to not be able to stop him if he ever does something like that to me again. It had felt so good," she groans letting her head fall into her hands.

Finn gently patted her back, "There, there, give the man some credit. He is obviously a giving lover."

"Not helping," she murmured shaking her head.

"Rey, seriously everything will fix itself. Just keep doing your job and try not to let what occurred tonight bother you so damn much. If something happens between you and Ben then just accept it for what it is. Girl, I know for a fact you have been going on one long dry spell and need a man with a big cock like his making you see stars."

"Really Finn," she hisses trying not to get annoyed, "You've never seen it and neither have I so who knows if its big."

Finn pins her with a knowing stare, "Give me a break. That guy is hardly wearing clothes I bet you have seen him in a lot less than sweatpants. Don't act coy with me honey."

She blushes in embarrassment because he's right. She knows that whatever Ben is packing downstairs that it is not small by any measure of the word.

"You should just fuck and get it over with. The tension between you is only going to spike and refusing it will only cause you both to go insane."

A loud noise behind them causes the two to literally jump out of their seats. Ben storms over, fist clenched while pools of black drill into Finn's head like he is going to rip it off at any given moment.

"I warned you did I not?" Ben demands in a booming voice that has Rey and Finn going rigid next to each other.

"You know him, he was here for the movie night," she manages to say steadily.

"I don't fucking _know_ him and he's here in my fucking house at 3 in the morning. What were you planning to do fuck and me not know about it!?"

Rey glowers at him, "We are best friends and nothing more," she yells right back not giving a shit anymore.

"That's what they all say. I bet you were just waiting for me to go back to sleep so you could ride his dick!"

"I'm gay, honey,” Finn chimes in and is met by a furious glare.

"What?"

"I'm gay. Women just don't do it for me," Finn repeats waving his finger in a sassy motion that lifts the heavy mood surrounding the three.

"As I said we're friends," Rey snaps and revels in the way Ben's cheeks grow red with his obvious shame.

"I say _you are_ a jealous thing aren't you," Finn teases, "Kind of sexy seeing you so amped up."

"Shut the fuck up. You better not be here when I wake up."

"Don't worry darling I'll be gone without you even realizing it."

"Whatever."

Ben storms out of the room, they both fall back on the couch stifling their laughter.

"He was scary," Finn declares shivering for dramatic effect.

"You're telling me. I was sure he was going to bite your head off," she laughs into her hand tears beading at the corner of her eyes.

"Shit, I was about to have a heart attack. Geez, I thought Poe was hot when he was jealous, but that man cranks it up to a whole new level."

"Who is Poe?" Rey asks curiously resting her head on Finn's shoulder finally settling down from all the laughing.

"Well, he may or may not be my full-time sugar daddy, but in reality he's basically my boyfriend."

Rey gasps in delight, "No way! You have a boyfriend?? I'm so happy for you!" She wraps her arms around him and he does the same.

"Who would have thought I'd find love this way, but I can't complain."

"Oh my gosh, love?? You're smitten, Finn!"

"Poe is amazing," he sighs dreamily.

"Tell me all about him."

So he does, he tells her about how they met online, and how all he wanted was a companion to join him to a convention his boss demanded him to go to. He usually showed up alone, but he was tired of being 32 and never having a date. That was how he wound up emailing Finn on the sugar daddy site and the rest was history. They stayed in contact and couldn't get enough of seeing each other. Eventually, they made the relationship official and Finn is now finding himself falling madly in love with Poe. Poe treats him like a king and he's nervous to confess, but he knows that he couldn't live a single day without Poe in his life.

Rey's heart is full of happiness for her friend. A tiny pang of something she can't describe tugs at her, but she pushes it away focusing on Finn.

The feeling lingers even when Finn is gone. Rey would rather not think too much about it because she knows that whatever it is it will only lead to heartbreak and agony. Two things she just was not prepared to deal with.

The next task was moving past what happened between her and Ben so she could hopefully help him get his life back on track. Painting was what would make him happy and she was determined to get him to let her take a look at his hand. If he did then she knew Ben Solo would one-day paint masterpieces again.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr <3
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> Feel free to say hi! :)


	4. The Price That I'd Pay For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I don't know how long  
> (That things will stay this way)  
> And I don't know what's wrong  
> (Or how to fix this place)  
> I know some things can't change  
> But I want you to know  
> You will never be alone."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my readers! <3
> 
> You guys keep me going!
> 
> Much love <3

Rey hasn't seen Ben for days. He has holed up in his room refusing to reply to her when she knocks on his door. She chooses not to use the key only because she knows whatever demon he is battling right now is probably due to what happened between them. The thought of him thumbing her nipple, sucking, licking had her body flaming with unwanted heat. Even now just thinking about it had her hot and bothered. Still, she understood that Ben was desperate for attention and that his impulsive action could mean at that moment she was just any tight hole that he could find release in.

Ben was not somebody who would be capable of being a good partner right now. The thing was he was right when he said he was toxic. He rained hellfire and did everything in his power to bring people down to his level. Ben didn't rationalize things, he was quick to anger, reacted before thinking the situation through, and all in all he was an asshole.

 Rey had never liked the brooding type, she chooses nice guys that were sweet and loving. Her sex life was mediocre due to the guys she usually picked who were just a bit too nice when it came to rolling around between the sheets. Ben had lit her body up in a way she had never experienced before. All her nerve endings tingled desperate for more. It took a lot to come back down to earth and realize that even though Ben could easily bring her to heights she never knew that he was also not ready for a relationship.

Helping Ben heal was what she needed to focus on and so she would.

Finn had invited her to lunch today. She would be meeting his main squeeze and that brought a smile to her face. Writing a note she slipped it under the door of Ben's room and headed off hoping that he would be okay for the time being.

Arriving at the café she parked and headed inside. She scoped out Finn right away seeing him smiling at the person sitting next to him. She was struck by how handsome Poe was. His brown curls were perfectly coiffed, crooked smile beaming at Finn. He was dressed casually in a blue button up that when she got closer brought out the small hint of blue in his brown eyes. Standing, he wrapped Rey in a hug.

"It is a pleasure to meet you finally, Finn is constantly raving about you."

Rey is a bit surprised by the hug but returns it basking in how warm Poe is. This guy was definitely a gentleman and she couldn't be happier for Finn.

The embrace ended, moving onto Finn they hugged tightly before all sitting back down.

There was a cup of black coffee sitting in front of her, she smiled at Finn, "So you remember how I like my coffee?"

Finn rolls his eyes playfully, "C'mon darling, it's not too difficult to forget you like your coffee dark and disgusting."

"You know too much sugar short-circuits the wires in my body," she teases taking a sip of the dark brew.

"Yes, you little robot," Finn teases right back sticking his tongue out at her.

"You two are so damn adorable," Poe gushes, a wide smile plastered on his handsome face.

"So, what do you do for work?" Rey asks blushing at the comment.

"I am a pediatrician,” he answers with a warm smile.

"That's wonderful!"

Poe chuckles, cheeks turning red, "Thank you. I always knew I wanted to help children and it's amazing connecting with the parents that put their trust in me. I've met so many wonderful people working in this field. I have no regrets."

"Isn't he perfect?" Finn chimes in pressing a kiss to Poe's cheek, Rey stifles a giggle with her hand at the way the color in Poe's face deepens.

"I think I'm going to melt into a puddle if you two don't stop being so cute," Rey jokes shaking her head.

"What do you do for work?" Poe asks clearing his voice rubbing the back of his neck shyly.

"She works for Leia Solo," Finn answers for Rey saving her. He winks at her, but they are both not prepared for what he asks next.

"Wait, Leia Solo? Isn't her son Ben Solo?" Poe asks and Rey doesn't miss the excitement in his voice.

"Yes, that's her son," Rey affirms, her gut twisting painfully.

"Oh my freaking gosh, that guy is such an amazing artist! I have three of his paintings and let me just say I spent crazy money on all of them, so worth it though! Have you met him??"

Rey is left speechless, her mouth opens, but nothing comes out. She turns her eyes helplessly to Finn. Poe notices the shift his smile lessens, "Did I say something wrong?" His cocoa-colored eyes flitting between them.

"No, honey. The thing is you do know he got into a motorcycle accident and hasn't been able to paint for a while now."

"Yes, I heard about it but surely he's doing better now," he pauses seeming unsure, "Right?"

"I'm his caretaker," Rey finally confesses hating the way she feels just talking about him. It should be easy to talk about how much he is a douche who doesn't see all the good right in front of him.

Ben is self-absorbed and instead of just getting the fuck over himself continues to act like a teenager going through puberty and hating the world. She was worried Ben would do something stupid and that would be the final straw for all the people that gave a damn about him.

"Caretaker? Why does he need a caretaker?"

"I'm sorry, but I'd rather not talk about him right now."

Poe's demeanor softens and he nods in complete understanding, "Of course, so do you go to school?"

"I'm becoming a physical therapist," she shoots him a grateful look for steering the conversation in a different direction.

"Terrific, Rey. We definitely need more people in that particular field. A lot of people don't understand how much physical therapy can help after an injury."

"Physical therapy can save lives," she murmured.

"It sure can, honey," Finn exclaimed reaching out and placing his hand on top of hers.

"Rey?" A deep voice that she instantly knows as Chewie's causes her to turn to see him with two cups of coffee in his large hands.

"Chewie! It's so nice to see you," Rey jumped up wrapping her arms around his waist.

He laughed a rich sound that she felt rumble through him where her head was pressed against his chest.

"So nice to see you to Miss. Rey."

She let go of him a moment later motioning to Finn and Poe, "This is my best friend Finn and his boyfriend, Poe. Finn and Poe this is Chewie he is a family friend of the Solo's."

"Very nice to meet you both," Chewie says tipping his head at them.

"The pleasure is ours," Finn replies and Poe tips his head returning the sentiment.

"I would love to stick around but I have a very pregnant wife that is demanding this one cup of coffee. She hasn't drunk it for 6 months." She can't help but laugh at the way Chewie shudders, terrified of his wife.

"You better hurry then," Rey laughs waving him off.

"I'll see you soon okay?"

Rey nods and gives him her best winning smile. It falls away when he is out of sight. She just couldn't understand how Ben could push away his family. She would have done anything to be able to have a father and mother that love her as well as someone like Chewie, a guardian that was loyal to the end.

She finally realized why she was so angry with Ben, not only because he was constantly picking a fight with her, but because he has a family that wants to be there for him. Growing up was hard on Rey, she had to fight to survive never knowing what it felt like to be held in a mother or father's arms while she cried. Finn was her family now, but she didn't have him when she was younger and needed to feel loved.

Ben was throwing his life away and she couldn't let that happen. She would have to go into the fire and if the flames took her down then so be it.

* * *

 

He was not only a monster, but a fucking pervert to add to the mix of self-loathing.

"Fuck!" he growled balling his fist hating how his left hand trembled uncontrollably when his adrenaline spiked.

To touch her in such a way deserved the death penalty. He wasn't thinking straight, he had dreamed of Elizabeth, and then Rey was there in his room in the fucking middle of the night looking like a vision. It was impulsive and so damn wrong, but she felt so right in his arms he couldn't deny that. He wanted her so badly, but the thing was that she could have been anyone, and that was why he is glad she had the rational brain to run.

He wanted to forget her moans as he tongued her perky tits. That would be impossible though.

It had him hard in less than a second, closing his eyes and envisioning the way her head lolled back, eyes shut as she moaned with abandon.

"Damn it," he muttered, hand running down his stomach, breaths coming out in sharp pants.

Pushing inside the material of his briefs he strokes himself once gritting his teeth. Her hazel orbs watch him, waiting to see what he will do next.

 _"That's it, Ben,"_ she purrs tugging at the end of her shirt taunting him.

He shoves his briefs down giving him more space to open his legs, cupping his balls he groans pathetically at how good it feels. Her hands wrapped around his throat makes him grasp the base of his cock squeezing hard enough to make him cry out.

 _"Such a pervert,"_ she laughs by his ear. His breathing has gone shallow, pumping his length awkwardly due to still after a fucking year of having to touch his cock with his right hand-not being able to fully get it down.

A frustrated growl escapes him, running his thumb along the tip to gather the fluid that had built there. He used it to help his strokes become easier, spitting in his hand for added measure. The slick sensation had him gasping, those golden hands still holding him down.

 _"I want to see you cum all over yourself,"_ she hisses biting down on his jaw, her tongue tracing along his scar.

"Please," he huskily begged.

His grip tightens as her grip is doing the same around his throat.

 _"You want me so bad don't you. I bet you wish you could shove that big cock of yours down my throat enjoy making me gag? Isn't that right you motherfucker?"_ Her biting tone sufficed to make him even harder, hips beginning to thrust up into his hand imagining her mouth.

"Yes, that's what I want," he said deliriously. His breath coming out fast, stomach clenching and unclenching with how desperate he was for release. His strokes become messy but for once it feels so good that he doesn't even care.

He's so close when suddenly a knock scares the living hell out of him. He still manages to come on a strangled sound, the release sudden, and almost painful.

"Um Ben, can I come in?" Rey's voice flits through, soft, and nothing like the voice inside his head.

"No!" He yells, his voice cracks and he smacks his head back on the pillow. The mess on his stomach beginning to dry.

"Please Ben, I think we should talk about what happened."

"There's nothing to talk about!" He grabs his briefs wiping his stomach off hurriedly before she decides to use that fucking key his mother gave her. Tossing the soiled briefs in the laundry basket he pulls on a clean pair of sweats and decides to at least give her room to say what she needed to say.

Yanking the door open he is met with a gorgeous looking Rey. Her hair falls in waves around her heart-shaped face, a slight flush to her golden skin and the summer dress she is wearing is stirring life in his cock once again.

 _Seriously stay down you piece of shit!_ He admonishes his own body.

"Hi," she murmurs almost shyly nothing like her usual fire.

"You wanted to talk."

"Yeah, can I come in."

He is worried that it reeks of what he just did, biting his lip he nods moving aside. She ventures in taking a seat on the love couch. He sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her to speak.

She fiddles with her thumbs, shifting from side to side. Hazel optics finally meet his dark ones.

"Ben, I don't think it is wise for us to complicate this working relationship. I am here strictly to help you with day to day life. I am not your sex toy or your punching bag. I need you to understand that. You are not in the right mindset to be thinking about entering a relationship. Your main focus should be getting better and achieving the ability to paint again. I want to help you conquer that goal and I think it is time for you to start letting me help you. I'm going to take a look at your damn hand right now and you're going to sit there like a good boy? Got it?"

He wants to tell her to go to hell, to ask her who the hell she thinks she is talking to him like that, but fuck it's so damn hot. Her words go straight to his cock causing his face to heat in embarrassment.

"Whatever, do what you need to do."

Hopefully, she would pay no mind to his cock straining against the thin layer of his sweats.

Her eyes flash with surprise, stilling herself she stands. He notices the slight wobble as she does so, but holds his tongue. His eyes find a spot on the floor and remain there not able to stare at her any longer.

Her fingertips touch his left hand, his skin sparks with electricity, breath hitching when she begins to analyze it. She traces over the burned skin, scarred heavily. His hand trembles wildly, but she doesn't say anything that would embarrass him further.

"Would you be okay with trying some exercises?"

"Fine," he quips not able to really talk right now when he's still trying to get rid of the erection causing all the blood to linger there instead of in his brain.

"Good, I'm going to start with your pinky and bend it towards your palm. I'll go slow."

He jerkily nods, still forcing his eyes to the ground.

"Alright, here we go," she whispers taking his pinky and with a slow motion begins to push it towards his palm. It hurts like a bitch and he is unable to suppress the whimper that leaves his parted lips.

"Shh, it's okay. I know it hurts but if you do this at least twice a day I promise that slowly but surely your hand will gain more range of mobility in it. You will have the ability to grasp onto things and soon enough paint again. I'm going to now bend your ring finger, just breathe."

He exhales shakily scrunching his eyes closed to try to tamper down the fierce, unforgiving pain.

"Perfect, Ben. You're doing great."

She does the rest of his fingers and his hand throbs afterward, but even now he can feel a slight ability to twitch his fingers, bending them just a tad.

"Now I want you to roll your wrist in small circles."

He obeys, it's agony racing through his bloodstream, and he snarls, a cold sweat has begun to cover his body.

"That's enough for today, Ben. We don't want to push you too hard, but just give it a month, and your hand will be fine. You're just a stubborn bastard. You could have healed a long damn time ago if you just accepted help."

He bared his teeth at her not wanting to hear her scolding tone, "Thanks for the help, but you can be on your way now."

"No, now you're getting in the bath. After that, I'll apply your scar gel and then you will eat lunch."

"You are not my fucking mother."

"I'm not, but I'm done with you thinking you can just walk all over me. You will listen to me and if you don't I promise you won't like what happens next."

"Fuck you."

"I will slap the _shit_ out of you Ben Solo, watch your tongue. Now, _move your ass to the bathroom_.”

She pushes past him, turning the water on for him making sure it wasn't too hot even though she knows he deserved to get burned just a bit. That would make him think twice about talking so crudely to her.

The tub filled, Ben's dark energy swarming around them. She ignored his childish behavior and pointed to the tub. Expecting him to cover himself up with the cloth again she doesn't expect him to yank his sweats down revealing himself in all his glory. Her back hits the wall, watching with shame as his long legs climb into the tub. She tears her eyes away from the sight.

"You asshole," she snaps wanting to punch him in the noggin.

He ignores the curse, sinking under the water, and per usual hands her the conditioner facing away from her. The douche bag didn't care one bit that he had just revealed his impressive lower half. Acting nonchalant, unwavering in his ability to act naïve to her outer turmoil. He had nothing to be ashamed of when it came to his massive body. It was beautiful, Adonis himself would be jealous of such a frame.

Rubbing the conditioner in her hands she begins to thread it through his ebony hair that is always so soft to the touch. Thick and luscious like another part of him. Clearing her head of such thoughts she finishes quickly refusing to allow herself to fall into his lust-filled trap. The minutes as it sits in his hair tick by, finally she grabs the cup filling it with water, and begins to rinse the conditioner out.

"I'm sorry." It's so soft that she is sure she imagined it.

"What?" She leans closer, his citrusy smell drawing her to him.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, "For the way I am."

"Ben, you may be rough around the edges, but you are still a good person. It's just going to take some time to change your way of thinking. You have to stop thinking negatively. Life is so much more than what you make it out to be."

"Tell me about yourself," he murmurs, his fingers swirl the water causing little tornadoes.

"What do you want to know?"

"What your parents were like? What you were like as a child?"

Her heart tightens at the question, "I'm an orphan. I grew up in the foster system until I was eighteen. I had to find a way to survive after that so I took a lot of odd jobs before I got the full-time gig at the Plutt's diner. I didn't waste time in going to school once I was able to gather some money together for it. Plus, I was able to get financial aid easily due to my circumstance. I met Finn and we became fast friends. Trained in martial arts, I know Taekwondo, Muay Thai, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Now I'm here."

"Fuck, you are one resilient woman. No wonder why you took my ass down so fucking easily."

She laughs a sweet, intoxicating sound that has him closing his eyes wishing he was someone worth her affection.

"You're a big guy Ben, it wasn't easy."

"Yeah, but you have proven that even with my size I am no match against you."

"Of course you aren't," she teases, his lips quirk into a small smile.

"I'm going to finish up in here. I'll take my medication after."

"I'll see you in a few."

Rey leaves his room erasing the way her attention had been rooted to the spot between his legs. She knew it wasn't hard, but god it was an intimidating part of his anatomy that she wanted to get to know.

 _No_! She had to stop that train of thought before it went on its own adventure and ended up with her doing something she couldn't take back.

Time passes while she waits in her room, a knock at her door startles her, but she opens it quickly seeing Ben holding the scar gel eyes unable to meet hers. She takes it without saying a word, he pulls the chair in the room sitting on it backward, his scarred back facing her. The strong sinews shift as he gets comfortable and she has to stop herself from drooling all over him.

Scooping some of the gel out unceremoniously she swipes it across his back feeling him tense at her touch. She rubs it over the wide expanse of his shoulders, down his spine, across his lower back,  and once she is done she maneuvers around to in front of him prepared to place some on the scar on his face. However, he shakes his head, "I don't need it for this scar or the one on my neck. Thank you."

He stands, taking the container out of her hands, tightening the lid leaving the room as if someone had lit a fire underneath him.

There was something shifting in Ben and she wasn't sure she was prepared for him being nice to her versus his harsh tongue saying things she knew he didn't truly mean.

* * *

 

Ben can't sleep that night deciding the only way to work off some energy is to take a swim. Heading down the stairs carefully to not wake Rey he goes outside, the pool lights lighting his way. He lets his sweats pool at his ankles, kicking them to the side.

Something small and black catches his eyes. Moving closer to the deep end he is able to make out what it is and his heart drops to his stomach. He jumps in without thinking twice paddling his arms quickly to where the helpless creature is.

He holds the tiny kitten in one hand, huffing and puffing as he uses his other arm to get him to the shallow end so he can use the stairs to get out. Finally reaching solid ground he jumps out of the pool racing inside yelling for Rey. He runs into the kitchen, barely avoiding slipping and falling. Laying the lifeless kitten on the counter, he rolls it on his back. Footsteps hurry up beside him, Rey gasps.

"I don't know what to do," he practically cries.

"CPR, try CPR!"

Opening the tiny mouth he pushes air into its lungs, pressing down on its stomach with two fingers. He repeats the method over and over again until he hears a weak mewl.

"Yes, fuck yes," Ben yells triumphantly.

Rey has already grabbed a dish towel, wrapping the precious kitten in it to help warm it up.

Ben couldn't stop the tears that had begun to race down his cheeks, over the moon with the fact that the black ball of fur was officially breathing oxygen into its tiny lungs. The mews get louder and Ben chuckles.

"You're probably hungry aren't you little guy," he murmurs swiping his thumb over the soft fur atop its head.

"We have milk, but we need something that resembles a bottle."

Ben tries to think what they could possibly use to feed the kitten, eyes lighting up when he remembers that his mom used plastic syringes to fill cupcakes up with frosting on the inside. He points to a drawer and Rey immediately gets the hint racing to it pulling the syringe out. Taking the milk out of the fridge she sucks some up and hands it to Ben.

He smiles down at the creature in his arms, begging for food, he whispers loving words while feeding the kitten.

He hated seeing animals in any form of pain, when his dog passed away it had taken a piece of his heart that he knew he would never get back. All he wanted to do was make sure this little guy regained his health and even though he was crying like a little bitch he felt good inside for the first time in forever.

"So, what are you going to name him?"

Rey doesn't even comment on the tears that have begun to slow down, pinning him with a radiant smile that is causing his skin to tingle.

"What makes you so sure it's a he?"

She shrugs, a cute smirk framing her mouth, "I don't know, we should let him rest before we find out if my assumption is wrong."

"Well, whether he is a girl or boy I'm giving him a cliché name. Lucky."

Rey's smirk widens, "I love it."

"So we're going to keep him?" His brows quirks, lips curling at the ends.

"Of course, I think it would be good for you to have someone to look out for."

"You sure I'm the man for such a job?"

She nods, "I think you're perfect for it. He obviously already feels comfortable with you. He's snoozing away. You should get some sleep too Ben."

"Yeah," he replies exhaustion eating at him.

"Goodnight Ben."

"Goodnight. Thank you for your help."

She shook her head, "You saved him not me."

"You know what I mean," he murmurs.

She smiles, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

On that note, they go their separate ways. That night Ben falls asleep with the tiny ball of fur warming his side and remembers a time where he was able to rationalize things without letting anger consume him. Hopefully, Lucky and Rey could show him that life wasn't all that bad. It was up to him to allow their help in not only breaking down his barriers but also in finding his happiness again…

* * *

Age 14

He lays on his back, relaxed expression on his face. Art supplies close beside him, the painting of a man gazing out the window dries propped up against the desk. Painting always put his racing thoughts to rest. His mom and dad had been arguing a lot. The possibility of them divorcing panicked him. He didn’t think he could bear that reality. The window out was to paint, getting lost for a few hours stopped him from thinking about them. They would work it out. They always did.

Someday he would be making masterpieces, he strived for greatness, and never threw a fit if a painting didn’t go the way he planned. He would just allow it to head in a different direction. Those were always the pieces of art that he thought were the best. The ones that basically painted themselves. Due to this ability to not let anger get the best of him he was going to be able to learn from his mistakes. That’s how he knew he would be able to make money doing what he loved one day.

Closing his eyes he smiles, grateful to have the ability to paint. He would be doing this for the rest of his life and enjoy every second of it. Nothing could stop him from living his dream.

_Absolutely nothing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr  
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)
> 
> The music that inspires me to write can be found here <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://open.spotify.com/user/irishtori1/playlist/3OHaR7XUegstbTMCDvpU0G?si=Qc7shGO1QFGjfNdss6Pl7w)


	5. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Forget the future, I've made my mind  
> You're all that I see  
> Waves come crashing down  
> And the winds scream round and round  
> But I'll wait out this storm  
> I'll wait out this storm with you."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this took forever to write! Sorry for making you all wait so long!  
> Work was rough and I was exhausted so my brain wasn't producing excellent ideas.  
> Hopefully you all continue to like this slow burn ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> Much love <3

 

Age 17

Ben's heart pounds hard as he stares at the painting before him now splattered with red paint. He had worked for months on creating it for the contest at his school. The prize was five hundred dollars and he was going to use that money to buy more art supplies and not have to bother his parents. That chance was doused the moment someone decided to be cruel and destroy his piece of art.

"Wow, Ben. That painting of yours sure does make a statement."

Ben's fists clench at who the voice belongs to. Carter hated Ben, he had understood that from the moment they met in freshmen year. Both of them had been at each other's throats since, but Ben would never stoop to this level no matter how much he hated a person.

 He hated to admit that Carter was also a really talented artist, somewhat respecting the talent he possessed. Still, even with his talent, he was a piece of shit that Ben wanted to hold head under water.

Ben turned to face Carter, he stood at the doorway leaning against it a Cheshire smile planted on his face. Blonde hair cropped short, blue eyes gauging Ben's reaction. Pushing off the doorway with his shoulder he walked closer to Ben, a few inches shorter.

"Why would you do this? Are you seriously _this_ spiteful?"

Carter sighed rolling his eyes, "Oh, Relax Ben. You already knew this was bound to happen. Seriously, when I saw you really entered this contest I was livid. _You_ , a rich pretty boy that has been spoiled all his life might win the five hundred dollars that I fucking need just didn't sit well with me. Trust me, it hurt me to have to destroy your art. You really are too talented for your own good, but you don't need that money."

"You ruined my fucking painting! I worked my ass off day and night on it and now it's ruined!"

"You would have won! You left me no choice!"

"You could have just told me you idiot! I can never have that painting back, all my dedication for that piece has been crushed by you for selfish reasons."

Suddenly, Carter threw a punch right into Ben's jaw completely taking him off guard. He growled at the pain, avoiding another punch, and landed one of his own straight in the eye. It was a flurry of punches, grunting as they took the force of each other's punch. Blood poured into Ben's eye but he didn't stop throwing his fists not caring where he landed.

"Please, stop," Carter cried and Ben stopped, arm cocked in mid-punch. He breathed hard, seeing red quite literally until he saw Carter sobbing and guilt set in. Dropping his arm to his side he used his shirt to wipe the blood from his eye. He was sure it was right on the fleshy part of his brow due to how much it bled.

Carter's jaw was swollen, lip split, eye closed shut, and other one bruising already. Blood smothered his face, his blue eyes watery.

"I don't know what your fucking problem is Carter, but this shit is just pathetic."

Carter laughed bitterly, "All I've ever wanted was to be more like you Ben. Tall, smart, handsome, an amazing artist. Everybody gravitates to you and I couldn't stand it. I still can't. I hate you, Ben Solo. I really do."

Ben scoffed, "You're an idiot, you should never strive to be like anyone but yourself. You're not me and you never will be. Don't waste this life trying to prove yourself to everybody. The only one that matters is yourself in the end. Hate me all you like, but this shit between you and I is over. We'll never have to see each other after this year so how about we both act like we don't know the other one exists? Eh?"

Carter shakes his head, standing to his feet, "You really don't get it do you, Ben. You're impossible to forget."

Those were the last words Carter ever spoke to him.

He ended up overdosing and dying two days later.

Ben and one other girl who sobbed miserably were the only two that showed up at the funeral.

* * *

 

Age 22

"Ben?" He spins to the small voice that says his name.

She has the prettiest blue eyes, a shy smile frames her pixie face red hair falling around it. Her dress is white and modest. He instantly thinks she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.

He had been staring at his painting now hanging in a museum. His parents supporting him and telling him to never give up on his dream had led him here. Ben would be forever grateful to them.

"Yes, I'm sorry, do I know you?"

She shakes her head timidly, "No, I was a friend of Carter's."

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear he notices the slight tremble. He hadn't thought of Carter in a long time and hearing the name surprises him.

"Oh, Carter and I weren't very good friends. Basically enemies."

She laughs sweetly, it's like music to his ears, "Carter wouldn't agree."

Confused, his brows furrow and he tilts his head at her, "What do you mean by that?"

"He told me he loved you. His parents didn't exactly approve of his sexuality, he had to keep it to himself, but he told me and I told him he should just tell you. He instead ruined your painting and then…left when he still had so much more opportunity to find love and continue to practice his art. It took a lot to forgive him, but I think he would have liked for you to know he never hated you."

Ben feels like he is dreaming. There's just no way Carter liked him in that way, but thinking about it he caught Carter staring at him with a look nowhere near contempt sometimes. He just didn't think anything of it. Now, it hurt to hear the truth.

"I'm sorry you lost him." It's all he can say. The right words escape him.

She shakes her head, smiling warmly at him, "I'm Elizabeth."

Ben's lips tug into a smile of his own, "Nice to meet you."

* * *

 

Ben starts awake, the warmth at his side stirs, and he relaxes into the pillow. Running his fingers through his hair he lets out a shaky breath. The past couldn't seem to allow him to have some sense of peace.

Sometimes he wishes he had never known the truth about Carter because then he would have never had to meet Elizabeth or end up hurting her like he did. There were even times he wished he could just erase himself from the world, his parents would never have had to experience the pain of losing their son to his demons. He hated wondering if everybody would just be better off without him. It was a horrible feeling that he instantly regretted each time because he knew even though he was a piece of shit his family would be devastated.

Then again if the events of his life hadn't played out like they did then he may have never met Rey. That was the true tragedy. Rey was a woman that deserved to be treated as if she were the queen of the universe. He wasn't worthy of her and he didn't think he ever would be.

A purring against his side pulls him from his thoughts, smiling he picks up the little bundle placing him on his chest, "Hey there little guy."

Lucky stands on his paws arching in a stretch before butting his wet nose against Ben's jaw. Ben chuckles rubbing his back and takes him into his arms getting out of bed.

He finds Rey downstairs whipping up breakfast, chestnut hair pulled into a messy bun. She is stunning, a natural beauty. A flush heats his face, suddenly feeling nervous to talk to her. He had never been the type of guy to be fucking shy when it came to interacting with women. Now, he felt like a schoolboy with a crush on the prettiest girl in school. Too good for him, but still wanting her to look at him with anything but disgust.

Lucky seems to sense Ben's inner turmoil snuggling closer to him. Ben takes a deep breath gathering his courage stepping into the kitchen to make himself known. Hazel eyes find his, a small smile tugs at the corner of her lips, and he wishes he could have one taste of them. Banning further thoughts like that to enter his mind he draws closer to her, peering into the pan to see eggs, sausage, onions, and bell peppers. His mouth waters at the sight of quality food. TV dinners had been his life for much too long.

Rey reaching out to stroke Lucky startles him, her fingertips touching his chest faintly. She smiled warmly at the kitten, not understanding what she was doing to him. His chest had begun to rise and fall harder while she continued to stroke Lucky ghosting over his skin with every pass. He was so lost in the sensation that he hadn't heard Rey calling his name. Jaw clenching he met her worried gaze.

"Are you okay?" Her head tilted to the side.

Pulling himself back into reality he finds the willpower to respond, "I'm fine. The food looks good."

He nods towards it steering the conversation away from the dirty thoughts that are plaguing him right now.

"Yup and all mine."

He quirks his brow at her confused, she chuckles, "I'm kidding Ben. Relax."

Exhaling a breath of air, he can't stop the laugh that escapes him, "I wouldn't be surprised if you could eat all that on your own."

Biting her lip, she shrugs, "Hmm, who knows."

Her teasing tone makes him feel things he'd rather not.

"So, I guess we should find out if this little guy is actually a little gal."

"Well, go on find out."

Ben took a quick glance, "It's a girl."

" _Really_!? I totally thought it was a boy."

"Me too."

"Well, she is smitten with you." Her eyes trail to the kitten then back to him.

"I guess she doesn't know how shitty I am yet." It's supposed to come out in a more humorous tone, but instead, it comes out dark and brooding.

Rey lets out an audible sigh.

"Don't even try to wallow in self-pity right now. You're her protector and she trusts you so you will take her to the vet and get her all the necessary things for her to live like a little lark here. _Got it_?"

 She has already poured out two portions of the eggs for them. She stands with her hands on her hips pinning him with a ‘don't try me' look.

 A shiver runs down his spine, tiny needles probing at his ribs wracking him with nerves. He hadn't left the house in over a year and hadn't planned on showing his face anytime soon.

"Rey, I can't. Please, don't make me do this."

"You're not a child Ben and I won't treat you like one. Think of her like she was your kid. You have to put her first now. She's your responsibility."

"You don't understand. I haven't been out since my accident."

"I do understand, but that is no excuse. Lucky needs to see a vet and that is final. Now sit and eat. I'll give her some milk."

Rey takes Lucky from his arms and all he can do is sit eating numbly not prepared for today. He had never wanted to face his fear of the outside world, now he had no choice. Lucky needed him and he would have to just man up for her even though just the thought of it had him wanting to run.

Finishing up breakfast, he mumbles something about a bath that goes unheard by Rey who is fawning over Lucky. He decides he can bathe on his own for once and leaves upstairs to start it. Stripping to nothing he steps into the warm water sinking underneath the water for a moment. Arising, he grabbed the conditioner bottle with his right hand tucking it under his left arm he managed to squeeze some onto his hand. Letting the bottle float on the surface of the water, he did his best trying to spread the stuff evenly, but he knew he was doing a shitty job.

"What are you doing silly?"

Jesus! She _really_ needed to stop creeping around. One of these days she was going to give him a heart attack.

 Rey's fingers threading through his hair has his eyes falling shut, biting the inside of his cheek to stop the moan from leaving his mouth.

"You could have just asked for help you know that right?"

"I was doing fine on my own."

He can practically hear her eyes rolls, "Sure you were."

"Where's Lucky?"

"Sleeping on the bed."

"She sure sleeps a lot."

"Must be nice to have such a carefree life," Rey hummed gently tugging at the small strands of hair at the nape of his neck. Each time she did that he wondered why, there was no need for it, but he sure as hell wasn't going to complain. The pull between pain and pleasure made him want to pin her down and tell her two could play that game.

She rinses out the conditioner, his eyes open head falling back to look at her. A small blush crept along her high cheekbones as he continued to stare.

"Well, I will give you some privacy," she mumbled, moving towards the sink.

Ben laughed disbelievingly, "I think you and I are past the point of privacy, sweetheart."

The glower she shoots him has him stifling a laugh, it's adorable more than scary, "I never asked to see," she pauses, biting her lip, " _That_ part of you."

"You mean my cock?"  Smirking, he absolutely is enamored by the way her skin flushes from her neck all the way to her temples.

"You better be ready in ten," she snaps departing the room.

He couldn't get enough of how feisty she was, too bad it would be impossible to be ready in ten minutes, but he could try his best.

Drying off, he opened his pants drawer for the first time in a year. He had lived in sweats, never even attempting to tug a shirt on not even in his mom's presence. Grabbing black jeans he decided to forgo briefs. Holding the jeans in his hand he stepped one foot in and then the other as carefully as he could. Lying back on the bed he shimmied into them, exerting way too much effort for something so simple.

Letting out a frustrated breath, he zipped them up without it getting caught on the exposed skin of his dick. The button was trickier but he managed. Thrusting his hand through his wet hair he growled at how useless he had become without the use of his left hand. Holding his left hand into the air he watched as it trembled, slightly convulsed, but if he tried he wasn't able to bend them on his own. With his other hand, he began to push his pinky down to his palm hissing at the pain.

Once he finished he was panting like he had just run around the earth twice. For some reason, it was a hell of a lot more painful when he did it to himself. Rey soothed him and made him feel like he was going to be okay, but doing it to himself was torture.

Rey knocked before entering, she exhaled on a noticeable sigh of relief most likely because he was at least wearing pants.

"Um, I figured what I said earlier was pretty mean. Do you need help?"

He had been reduced to a child needing help lacing up his shoes. It took a lot out of him not to tell her to just leave him the fuck alone, but the truth was he did need her help.

"Please," he muttered not making eye contact with her.

She nodded, walking over to his walk-in closet. Another place he hadn't entered in the past year. Rey returned with a red shirt, holding it up, "Is this fine?"

"Yeah, that works."

Standing in front of him she gently pulled it over his head, he slipped his arms in savoring the light brush of her fingertips against his neck. To his embarrassment, she helps him into his socks and laces up his boots. He hates having someone do this for him and out of all people a pretty girl like Rey has to see him at his most pathetic.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

"None of your fucking business," he growls immediately regretting the quip. Rey's eyes grow cold sending a chill down his spine.

"You are insufferable," she hisses, still kneeling before him.

"Don't act so surprised," he scoffs pushing up onto his feet now towering over her. Glowering she too stands up, nowhere near his height, but still, with her long legs, she would only need to stand on her tiptoes to kiss him with ease. He probably wouldn't even have to lean in that much.

"Ben, don't test me," she says deadly calm.

"What the fuck do you think you could actually do to me?" His voice is laced with venom, charged and ready for her next comment.

"Try me."

Her eyes stay trained on him and he finds himself breaking eye contact first, "Lucky needs to go to the vet."

He doesn't miss the surprise in her eyes, but she too drops the argument. Hoisting Lucky into his arms he soothes her with reassuring strokes until she relaxes enough to fall back asleep. They both do their best to remain quiet not to wake Lucky as they exit the mansion getting into Rey's car.

"Are you sure this thing isn't about to fall apart."

"I only use it for certain situations, such as getting here, and now taking Lucky to the vet. You have your wallet right?"

"Of course," he grumbles staring out the window as they depart the property heading into town about 20 minutes away.

Ben has to force his leg to stop shaking cursing at the fact that he was this nervous to be going out in public again. This was a long time coming and what he deserved for avoiding society for so long. He feared people would laugh at him. The scar on his face bisecting the right side of his face was one thing and then there was his hand that trembled against his will. The two together were the perfect combination of getting humiliated.

He was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn't realize they have now parked out front the  Vet. Fear consumes and he swears he is going to pass out due to how much he is hyperventilating.

"Deep breaths, Ben," Rey's calm voice breaks through, "In and out."

_Shaky breath in._

_Shaky breath out._

He continues to steady his breathing until finally, he gathers the courage to take the step out of the car. Rey shuts his car door for him, placing a hand on his bicep she gives it a gentle squeeze.

"You got this," she says reassuringly and he gives her a jerky nod in response not quite so sure those words ring true.

Forcing himself to walk forward they enter the clinic, his eyes dart over the other patrons soothing their restless pets, but Lucky remains asleep blind to her surroundings. A couple people's eyes flicker to gaze at him and he notices they glance at the scar before returning to their pets needs. There is no disgust in their eyes, perhaps a bit of curiosity but other than that they manage to make him not feel like a monster.

"Hello there, do you happen to have any available spots for a check-up for our cat?" Rey asks the silver-haired woman at the front desk. He also doesn't miss the ‘our' Rey uses, a strange tingling sensation flutters in his stomach.

The elderly woman smiles, "Actually, we do have a couple spots, but it wouldn't be for another hour. I can schedule for an appointment then, does that work?"

"Of course, thank you so much."

"I just need your name."

"Rey," she answers a bright smile framing her face. He really wishes he could have met Rey at a time where his life hadn’t fallen apart and he wasn’t scrambling to find the pieces to glue them back together.

"Alright, you two are set, we shall see you in about an hour."

"Thank you!"

Ben follows Rey back to her car, "This is perfect, we can go get all the supplies she needs and then take her to the appointment."

They headed to Petco, no one seemed to mind that Lucky was resting in his arms while they walked around Rey throwing a bunch of things into the cart.

"You seem to know what you're doing, did you own a cat or something?"

Rey peers over her shoulder, her mouth quirks up at the side, "Well, I didn't exactly own one. There were a lot of strays near the orphanage I was raised in. They warmed up to me pretty quickly and that day I decided I wanted to learn more about them so I would go to the library and look up anything and everything I could about them. I found a book that basically told me how to care for a cat and that knowledge has just stuck with me. I've always wanted a cat to call my own."

"Lucky is just as much as yours as she is mine."

A blush tinted her cheeks, "That's very sweet, Ben, but you'll get better and then I'll have to leave. She belongs to you."

The prospect of her leaving was one he hadn't really thought of. Even with knowing her for such a short time she had brought a light into his life that he didn't know he had been missing. Getting better seemed more in reach but she would leave eventually, and that felt like a jab to the ribs.

"Whatever," he muttered focusing his attention on Lucky who had begun to stir. Little eyes blinked up at him, purring, and butting her forehead into his stomach.

They are moving towards the front to purchase their items when he hears a familiar voice call his name, his body goes rigid. Dark eyes slowly look to where the voice came from meeting green eyes that were torn between confusion and sadness.

"Dad," he whispered, breath getting caught in his throat when his dad moved closer to him.

Ben knew he looked totally tormented right about now. Seeing his father after all this time was something he had not been prepared for especially, not in fucking Petco of all places. Lucky mewed at him, shifting in his arms, black tail curling over his forearm sensing his discomfort.

"Son," his dad says in disbelief, "I can't believe it's you."

He scanned Ben's face drinking in his every feature, down to his trembling hand that shook by his side holding Lucky with ease in his one arm. Green eyes turn sad as he stares back up at Ben.

"You look good son. Still big and strong," Han tries to ease the tension between them with a soft laugh, adorning a smile on his face that doesn't quite meet his eyes. His dad pats his bicep, trying to act like Ben didn't punch him in an act of anger. He had no right to even be allowed to live after that, his dad could have pressed charges but he refused to do so. Instead, they didn't talk and that had begun to eat Ben up inside.

He hadn't realized how much he missed his dad and seeing him now makes him regret all the nasty words he said to him, and all the times he made his dad feel like he was a shitty father. It wasn't fair to do to such a thing and those actions had consequences.

"I'm sorry." It's all Ben can really say at the moment and it conveys his guilt.

"I forgave you a long time ago Ben, but I didn't want to rush you. I know you were hurting and so angry at what happened to you so I put space between us so you could get better. I'm sorry, kid. I know you love to paint, but that dream is not over. I love you, Ben. You're my boy," Han confessed staring straight into Ben's soul.

Han shifts his attention to Rey, "You must be Rey. I'm Han."

Reaching his hand out Rey shakes it smiling at him, "Very nice to meet you."

"So, how is the healing process going with his hand?"

"Ben has begun to do exercises for his hand so in about a month he should be able to have at least 60 percent of function in the left hand. As time goes on and he keeps up the exercises then the results will be having the full ability in his hand again."

"That's great, I'm proud of you son."

"Thanks, but Rey is a saint for putting up with me. You know how I am," he grumbles turning his gaze to the floor.

"Good for you Rey, but don't feel too bad about putting him in his place."

"Oh, I've got that covered." Rey winks smirking at Han. Ben finds it strangely endearing. It also leads his mind to the way she wrapped her hands around his throat. He wouldn't mind her doing that again while riding his cock within an inch of his life. _Okay, not the best time to be thinking shit like_ this brain he grunts inside his head forcing his thoughts away from the topic of sex with Rey.

"You should come over for dinner sometime," Ben blurts his nerves getting the best of him.

Han's eyes soften, "I'd love that son. I'm pretty busy for the next two weeks, but if you would like to after that I will be free."

"That's fine with me, dad. We'll figure something out."

"Cute kitten."

"Thanks, her names is Lucky."

"Very cute. Well, Ben, I will see you soon." He lifts up a bag of puppy pads, " I recently got a puppy so you will get to meet him."

"Sounds great. Bye, dad."

"Nice meeting you Rey," Han says nodding his head before going to the self check-out lane and departing the store.

"That was fucking insane," Ben says in astonishment.

"Seriously though! What were the odds of that happening," she murmurs beginning to place the items on the conveyor.

"I guess I'm having dinner with him in a couple weeks." He was scared.

"Don't fret. I'll help you cook him a nice meal. Everything will be fine."

Finishing up at the store they go back to the clinic and are ushered into a room after filling out some paperwork. Lucky is a little skittish but Ben calms her down.

The veterinarian walks in, adjusting her glasses on her face she sets down a clipboard. Her blue eyes widen when she takes in Ben. He swears he sees her face tint with red, "Well, hello there. I'm Dr. Jefferson I will be doing Lucky's check-up today. May I see her?"

"Of course," Ben nods preparing to hand Lucky over but she doesn't seem too happy about that. She hisses at the vet, little claws dig into his stomach causing him to flinch.

"She seems very attached to you," Dr. Jefferson simply chuckles, "You can hold her while I do the check-up. It will just be checking for flees and giving her some shots."

Ben nods letting the woman begin to search Lucky's fur, the inside of her ears which she doesn't like one bit, but Ben relaxes her when she starts to wiggle trying to get away from the vet.

The shots go surprisingly painless with Lucky acting like she didn't feel it. Once they are done the doctor beams up at him tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry to stare but you're Ben Solo, right? The artist?"

Ben tenses, but knows he just needs to be honest, ‘"Yes, I am."

"Wow, your paintings are surreal. You should be really proud, you're beyond talented."

"Thank you."

"Well, it was nice to meet the both of you. Have a great rest of your day."

Rey thanks her and they head back home.

"You were really great right now. You didn't deny that you were the one and only Ben Solo."

"I figured it would be pointless to lie."

"She had a massive crush on you."

Ben glowers at her, she laughs, "Oh, come on don't be daft she was totally into you."

"I doubt that."

"Whatever you say Ben, but that woman was definitely crushing hard on you. You should have given your number to her," she teases. The gates open, she pulls into a spot shutting the car off.

"There's only one woman that I wish had a crush on me," he states boldly.

Rey's eyes flash over to his, "Ben, you know that can't happen."

She gets out of the car, grabbing all the stuff they bought, but he'll go back for the rest in a minute. When they enter the mansion Lucky is desperate to be put down so Ben sets her down letting her run around wildly.

Leaving back to the car he grabs what Rey couldn't and locks the mansion door behind him. Rey is busy taking things out of the bags when he stops her with his palm splayed on her hand. Standing behind her, large body dwarfing hers.

"Why?"

She picks up on what he is questioning, letting out a sigh, "I work for you, Ben. Sex isn't in that contract. You treat me like shit and say mean things. You have some growing up to do and you need to focus on that. Please, you have to understand that your health is so much more important than a relationship right now."

"I want you so bad Rey," he mutters pressing his forehead to her shoulder grasping onto her hip with his good hand.

"Ben…please…"

He turns her to face him, leaning in he sees her eyes shut…

_Mine…_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr page
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> 
> [https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace](Here)
> 
>  
> 
> Music that inspires my creativity ;)
> 
>  
> 
> [https://open.spotify.com/user/irishtori1/playlist/3OHaR7XUegstbTMCDvpU0G?si=nmD167c5QnilSH6Ytqju1Q](Here)


	6. Russian Roulette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hopelessly another falls astray  
> And helplessly we help them on their way  
> We’ve all got these reasons for no reason at all  
> In every breath, become the writing on the wall."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how I feel posting this chapter
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I know this chapter is going to make some scream but bear with me. This is a slow burn af! I'm sorry <3333
> 
> Thank you to all my amazing readers! Seriously I really do appreciate all of you <33
> 
> Trigger Warning: This does deal with loss, just a heads up!
> 
> Much love <3

"Ben," Rey whispers almost sadly placing her hand on his chest. He freezes, dark eyes flitting between her own. She shakes her head, "I'm sorry, but I can't."

He straightens back to his full height, towering over her once more, a dark energy swarms around him. She sees the wheels in his brain turning and desperately hopes that he doesn't take this the wrong way. He is hands down the most attractive guy she has ever laid her eyes on and having to reject him was difficult, but he needed to find his way in life. She would just be a distraction. She couldn't allow lust to cloud reason.

"I understand." His tone is too calm for her liking.

The storm that is brewing behind his pools of black tells another story. Whatever is going on in his mind it does nowhere near understand the complications of entering a relationship right now.

Ben was too rash to stop and think about those things. He had presented that behavior one too many times and right now she was almost sure he was trying to hide his true feelings. If so he was failing quite miserably at it. She could feel the steam rolling off of him in waves, right hand fisted, and left trembling more than usual.

"Ben, please," she whispers begging for him to relax, but her pleading must rub him the wrong way because he bares his teeth at her.

"It's fine Rey if you don't fucking want me I don't fucking give a shit," he spat angrily.

"It's not even like _that_ ," she hissed, squaring her shoulders.

"Don't fucking lie to me. I know you see the scars and the fucked up hand and think to yourself he's just a fucking loser who can't even take care of himself."

"You are an idiot! I would never look at you in that way ever! _How dare you_!? You are so aggravating  Ben! Seriously you need to get _over your-fucking-self_."

"You're the one who came into my territory and decided to act like some haughty bitch that thinks she has any power over me whatsoever. You don't Rey and you never will."

"Ben," she warns.

"Whatever, I don't need a little bitch ordering me around all day," he pushes past her and she hardly hesitates when she kicks the back of his knee causing him to fall to them. He smacks the ground to catch himself with his good hand and she jumps on his back, arms wrapping around his neck. Her legs lock at the ankle on his stomach and she tightens her hold, he is holding himself up with his right hand rendering his left hand useless.

He gasps for air, but it comes out strangled, "I am going to do that little thing everyone has told me to do Ben," she snarls by his ear, "I'm going to put you in your place you asshole."

He falls to his side, but she doesn't let go. His hand reaches up panicked, grasping onto her forearm, blunt nails digging in.

"You know what your problem is Ben? That you think that you can get away with everything. You're a spoiled _brat_ that if he doesn't get what he wants he will pout and yell. He will throw his toys in anger and curse them. I'm not your toy Ben and even though you are a good looking guy you have a terrible personality. You _are_ a monster."

He goes still in her arms, hand falling away, and she realizes he is succumbing to defeat. She lets go of him, he rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling. Rey stands staring down at him. Her words had been cruel, guilt had already dug its claw in, but he had made her so mad. She lost her cool. He had pushed her too far this time.

Abruptly he staggers to his feet, seeming almost dazed. He shifts his attention to her, her blood goes cold at the emptiness she sees shining back at her. With that, he pushes past her, Lucky trails after him, and Rey lays a hand on her stomach feeling sick.

* * *

 

Ben walks into his room, Lucky hot on his heels. Making sure she was securely inside he shuts the door with a soft click. Pressing his forehead against the door he breaks down. Sobs wrack his body and he is helpless to the emotions that crash over him. He was a fucking idiot he already knew that, but hearing her tell him the truth that he really is a monster made him want to die.

He pulls his shirt off over his head, the tears still consuming him. Pushing the rest of his clothes off he starts a bath, not caring that he already had one earlier. Going into his closet he pulls out the one thing he hadn't turned to once since the accident. An aged bottle of whiskey.

Lucky purrs against his ankle, he wished it was enough to warm his heart, but it only broke through one layer and there were fifty more under it that were not as warm. He felt empty, but there was still a compassion for the ball of fur at his feet.

"That's a good girl," he whispered, a certain affection in his voice.

Stopping the bath he stepped in, bottle in hand, and wasted no time in screwing off the top to take a large chug of it. The contents inside burn going down and he craves it returning the bottle to his lips for another long drink.

He had deserved Rey's words and the chokehold she put him in much too easily for his liking. The last thing he had expected was for her to do that or the words she spat venomously in his ear making him shiver.

 They had made progress and he went and fucked that up because he got rejected once again. He really was just like a child throwing a tantrum. The thing was he hated how much he desired Rey and being around her all the time wasn't helping. She was a badass female that knew how to put him in his place. Also still a freaking saint to put up with the likes of him. He really liked her but his issues kept presenting themselves and caused him to take a hundred steps back.

Rey was right about him. He was a spoiled brat.

Shutting his mind off, he drinks and drinks, not fully aware that his eyes are drifting close. Darkness surrounds him and he floats away to a place that is much better than his reality.

"Ben! Can you hear me?!"

Rey's voice homes in and out, blearily he opens his eyes not quite sure where the hell he is but he is definitely freezing. Glancing down, his vision clears and he realizes he is still in the bath with a very frantic Rey tugging at his arm. Wide eyes are trained on him, but he knows for a fact he is beyond drunk right now. There is no way he can physically get out of this bathtub without falling right on his face.

"Oh god, Ben you ass! I thought you were dead!"

He can only laugh reaching out blindly instinctively with his left hand thinking he was going to grab the side of the tub and winds up falling forward barely avoiding hitting his chin on the edge.

"Shit," he grunts grasping with his right hand instead, forcing himself to his feet. He somehow gets out of the bath without fail, but when he tries to walk he ends up wobbling and falling to his knees, his legs giving out on him. He chuckles pathetically, knowing he's ass-naked in front of Rey making a bloody fool of himself in the process. Accepting defeat he collapses on his side letting the air whoosh out of him.

"Ben, you're shivering, you can't sleep here."

He peers over at her, smiling at her knowing full well it doesn't reach his eyes, "I didn't use to be like this Rey."

"Ben," she whispers lowering beside him brushing his bangs to the side.

"I used to be a good guy. I was a good kid, my parents thought I was amazing. They supported me and loved me even when I became a moody teenager. They always believed in my dream. Painting made me the way I was. I loved to paint but seeing the way people's eyes lit up when they saw the finished product was everything to me. It made me feel like I was walking on air…I'm lost, Rey. I'm so lost."

Rey lifts his head placing it on her lap, stroking his hair hoping it soothes him, "Shh, everything is going to be okay."

His eyes dart up to her, déjà vu strikes him. The familiarity of her words and staring up at her through blurry vision brings him back to the accident. They had told him that he would have died if some girl didn't apply pressure on his wound. He had never really thought about it until now in his inebriated state of mind.

Her fingertips brush the scar on his neck and his vision comes into focus once again to see hazel eyes full of unshed tears.

"The accident destroyed me, Rey. I'm worthless now. Just let me die. Don't save me," he mutters deliriously.

Tears fall down onto his chest and Rey hugs him tighter, "Everything is going to be okay."

Rocking him he continues to incoherently mumble things until he closes his eyes exhaustion pulling him back under.

* * *

 

 Age 10

"Hux, wait up!" Rey calls after the red-haired boy that had been her best friend in the orphanage for the past five years.

He slows down to a jog, "Geez, you're fast!"

Hux blushes at the compliment, cupping the back of his neck, "Thanks, you're pretty fast too."

She gives him a toothless grin, all she literally wanted was her front two teeth for Christmas but Hux didn't seem to mind the missing teeth. He always blushed when she said nice things to him and he would bring her flowers he picked. Sometimes she found a couple ants on them. She hated ants but adored Hux so she never said anything.

They walk back to the orphanage, it wasn't very strict due to not be funded that well. The kids already had to take showers together so letting them wander off to the park nearby was not something they cared much about. It was run by some older women that were nice enough but they lacked warmth as well as sincerity. Any child could get kidnapped wandering off on their own and they probably wouldn't even think twice about it.

Luckily Rey had Hux. With him, they would stay safe and protect each other always.

Arriving back at the orphanage they walk to their shared room with their other friend Rose. She was more of a recluse preferring to stay inside and read versus playing at the park. Rey plops down beside her propping herself on her elbow.

"How goes it, Rose?" Rey asked eating a piece of popcorn that Rose had sitting beside her.

"It goes pretty well. You two have fun running around all day?"

"Always," Hux chimes in, "Rey is getting faster. Soon enough she'll be miles ahead of me."

Rey scoffs, "As if you are _way_ too fast Hux, you're only going to get better and better. Maybe one day you'll be in the Olympics."

Hux rolls his eyes moving over to sit on the edge of the girls' bed, "Who knows, I guess I might run track in high school."

"You would be number one."

"I second that," Rose says still scanning the pages of her book.

"I guess we'll just have to see," Hux sighs laying back on Rose's legs.

Rey closed her eyes. She was glad to have a family here. Rose and Hux would be her best friends forever undoubtedly.

* * *

 

Age 15

"That was so much fun!" Rey exclaimed throwing her hands in the air. They had all just finished playing laser tag and were now walking back to the Orphanage.

"You were crazy good! The way you darted out from behind that neon tree scared the shit out of me!"

Rey smirked slipping her hand into his, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you big guy."

Laughing Hux reaches up to push a strand of fallen hair behind her ear, "You're so pretty, Rey."

Her entire face heats, "Don't say things like that," she mutters in embarrassment.

"It's true," he chuckles warmly.

Leaning in he presses a feather-light kiss to her cheek, it warms the spot, and butterflies flutter around inside her tummy.

They continue to walk down the street, it's a bit too dark, and it worries Rey. She tries to push down the uneasy feeling she is starting to get, holding tighter to Hux's hand. The group of five large men comes out of nowhere. Both of them go rigid by each other.

"Can I help you guys?" Hux asks politely trying to ease the tension.

"Your money," one says cool and collected.

Hux immediately pulls out his wallet handing it over. Rey does the same.

"We want her too," another guy with a higher voice sneers.

That changes the mood, Hux going into defense mode, "That's not going to happen. We gave you the money."

"It doesn't matter, she's a cutie. _I want a taste_." The man moves closer to Rey. She has been training with her Sensei Obi-Wan Kenobi for four years now and she only hopes his teachings don't fail her now.

The guy tries to touch her but she goes straight for the groin with her leg, not holding back at all, and gauges his eyes at the same time. The other men rush forward, she is only able to fight back for a moment before getting hit to the ground. She weakly pushes up on her hands to see Hux throwing punches and taking them too.

It all happens so fast, the sound of a gun, the stampede of feet running away, and then silence. Hux fell to his knees, Rey stumbled forward falling to her knees behind him catching him before he smacked his head on the concrete. There is so much blood, it's everywhere. Her heart pounds so hard she is hyperventilating.

"H-Hux, _oh god no_!"

He smiles weakly at her, "You're such a badass, Rey." His hand lifts up stroking her bruised cheek, but she doesn't even register the pain. Hot tears stream down her face, she hiccups not able to control her sobs.

"Shh, it is okay. You'll be fine, I promise."

"I lo-," his eyes glaze over, mouth not finishing the words as he exhales one last breath.

"Hux, please, you're going to be okay. Stay with me," Rey whispers staring at his blue eyes. They remain open, a smile on his face as he gazes lifelessly at the dark sky.

The months that follow are a blur for Rey. She wakes up, clothes herself, eats breakfast with the other kids, goes to school, goes home, and the cycle repeats. Rose tries to comfort her but Rey rejects physical contact and avoids all the other kids in the orphanage. She finds herself straying to the park and sitting on Hux's favorite swing. Those days she breaks down and sobs until she is unable to.

She forgoes her training for months until one day her Sensei shows up at the park. He was an older gentleman, just looking at him you could tell he was wise and all knowing. Sitting on the swing next to hers he smiled at her kindly.

"What are you doing here Sensei?" She mutters kicking at the woodchips.

"I just thought I'd stop by and see how my most promising student is doing."

"My best friend died, how do you think I'm doing?" She bit out not caring at how rude she sounded.

"It's tough losing someone you love, but your friend wouldn't want you to give up on your dreams just because he isn't here to share them with you anymore. He would want you to keep striving for greatness. He would want you to laugh and laugh till you thought your belly was going to burst. He would want you to conquer all your fears and love with abandon. Your friend will always be with you because you will forever love his memory and that keeps him alive right here," Obi-Wan pointed at his chest where his heart is.

Rey broke down and he took her into his arms, "I miss him so much Obi-Wan," she cries clutching onto his shirt.

"It's okay to miss him. Some days will be easier than others, but you will get through it."

"How?" She whispers.

"With time you shall know."

Nodding her head she laid her head back on his chest.

 _Wherever you are Hux, **I love you**_ she whispers in her head.

* * *

 

Rey stares down at Ben, wishing that seeing him like this didn't remind her of when Hux was in her arms. She never thought she would lose a friend in this lifetime, but losing him had crushed her.

Without him, the world was cold and dim, but with time the world became a little bit brighter each day. She would think about how he brought her flowers or the way he laughed so beautifully. His smile, big blue eyes, red brows, freckled skin, the way he ran fast and sure, and so many other things that made her smile instead of being sad when she thought of him.

Ben was drunk but the pain in his voice tugged at her heartstrings. He was telling her his true feelings. The drink making his tongue loose and the gut-wrenching words made her want to hold him close and never let go.

To think he wanted to die due to not being able to paint anymore saddened her deeply. She knew that in a few weeks his hand would be somewhat better and she needed him to not give up. She didn’t give up after losing Hux. Ben has let his loss destroy him but she knows he can overcome this roadblock. She would help him.

Staring at him, there was no way she was going to be able to lift his body to the bed and now he was passed out cold. She called the only person she thought could possibly help her.

Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang, Rey sat Lucky back down and rushed to open it. Chewie gave her a little wave stepping inside.

"Hi, Miss. Rey."

"Thank you so much for coming on such short notice. You're a lifesaver."

He shrugged off his plaid button-up leaving him in nothing but a t-shirt showcasing his burly body. Rey appreciated the muscles but she preferred Ben's much more. She curses her brain for that thought ushering Chewie up the stairs to Ben's room.

Rey had tried to preserve some of Ben's modesty throwing a towel over his lower half doing her best to avoid staring too hard at that part of his anatomy.

Chewie saw Ben lying on the floor and Rey could practically see his heart drop. He rushed over to Ben, kneeling on one knee pushing the hair off of Ben’s face. His hand was so large it spanned across his entire face.

Suddenly he's scooping Ben into his arms with an ease that shocks Rey. Ben is huge, without a doubt a good 200 pounds of solid muscle, but to Chewie, it looks as if he is holding a teddy bear. The towel stays in place and Chewie walks over to the bed.

"Uncle Chewie?" She hears Ben's voice weakly say.

"Just rest kid."

"I've missed you, Uncle, why did you stop coming around? I can paint something for you that always cheered you up."

Chewie sets Ben down and Rey hears a choked sound, "Shh, Ben just sleep."

"Don't cry, Uncle. I'll make the painting for you tomorrow."

Rey's heart clenches so hard she has to grasp onto the dresser beside her to steady herself.

Chewie pulls the covers over Ben tucking him in before departing from the room hiding his face from Rey. She sees that Ben has fallen back asleep. To him, he was only dreaming Chewie was there and thought he was still in a time before the accident. She sees Lucky snuggle up to Ben and decides she should go check on Chewie.

Shutting the door behind her she finds him in the room with all Ben's paintings. Sensing her presence he begins to speak staring at the painting of Ben and his father.

"I sometimes wonder if there is a God and if there is why he would take Ben's passion from him. Why would he destroy a man for absolutely no reason? Then I see you and this affection drawn out on your face when you gaze at him that I didn't ever see on Elizabeth's face. She never looked at him like he was worth something and after the accident, she was disgusted by his hand.

She never confessed it to him but I overheard her on the phone one day saying how revolting it was. She became closed off towards him. Yes, he said mean things to her but I think she was glad because it was her way to escape marrying him. You don't look at his hand with disgust, you don't see the scars as hideous. You just see Ben and now I know that even through tragedy some good can come out of it. Ben needs you and I really hope that he figures that out before it is too late."

Hearing Chewie’s words shocked her.

Rey can't believe that Ben's own fiancée would find him repulsive in any way even with his scarred hand. She could understand the anger problems scaring her off but to say such mean things after he avoided killing a little kid. He suffered so a child didn’t have to.

Chewie was right. Ben did need her whether he liked it or not, but she just couldn't give him her body. Not yet. Not while he was still angry and hating the world.

After? Well, she didn't know.

It was all up to time now…

* * *

 

Ben groaned as he woke, the faint light streaming through the curtains blinding. He threw his arm over his eyes blocking it out. Lucky purred, brushing her wet nose on his shoulder.

"I feel like death Lucky, get me help," he grunted but she just meowed in response. Next, to the dresser, he found two pills and a glass of water. He grabbed at them like they were candy, swallowing them down and draining the water desperate for more.

It was like she sensed he was awake because he heard a knocking and Rey entered with a tray of something that actually smelled amazing in his semi-drunk, sort of hung-over state.

"Hey, you hungry?"

"Starving." He sat up and was about to twist out of bed when he noted that it was a little breezy down below. He was sure he was not wearing any clothes right now.

Rey sets the tray on his lap allowing him to not have to worry about getting out of bed at the moment. There are waffles covered in syrup and strawberries. He is in fucking heaven.

"Thanks," he says and dives into the food with the manners of a dog.

She doesn't laugh at him, sitting down on the couch, and letting Lucky climb into her lap.

The events of last night are jumbled together but he knows he was a total douche to Rey.

"I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry for the way I behaved. I shouldn't just expect that you're going to want me back. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable and for calling you a bitch that was a jackass thing to say. So I'm sorry. You don't need to forgive me that is not what I'm asking for but you should know that I'm just a dick. You deserve a guy that is going to treat you right. I'm not that guy obviously."

Rey drinks in his words, beautiful hazels roving over his face, "Ben, you really can be quite intolerable. I'm serious when I say this if you call me one more cruel name I am gone and you will have some old man washing your hair. I will make sure of it. No more name calling and from now on you will behave. You don't deserve me, Ben. Not now. Who knows what the future holds, but at this moment you are too immature, too rash, and I'm not going to be in a relationship with a guy that has no care in the world to call me names like bitch and cunt. It's not sexy, not one bit, and it makes you seem like a complete asshat. Do you understand what I am saying to you, Ben?"

Why do her words have to be so fucking hot? His cock doesn't get the hint to back off instead hardening beneath the sheets at her demanding tone. He wants her hand wrapping around his throat as she says that. When the fuck did he become a damn masochist?!

He nods not trusting his voice at the moment.

"We should start planning that dinner with your dad," she says standing to leave, but stops at the door, turning to face him once more, "Oh, one more thing I invited Chewie."

The piece of his waffle drops to the plate. _Chewie would be there_?

Rey smirked walking out of his room leaving him bewildered.

He had been avoiding Chewie…he hadn't wanted to hurt him with words, pushing him away wasn't any better, but it was the lesser of the two evils.

He would be in a room full of people that had once supported him and he had hurt with his cruelty.

He knew without a doubt he would never be ready for such a thing.

He was terrified…

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO <3


	7. Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "In your fucking name  
> "Like a dying flame  
> Such a crying shame  
> I know   
> That you’re hollow   
> Now you’re hollow  
> Paper thin and shallow  
> Love you’re hollow."   
> -Koethe ft. Arbi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so damn long and is so short, but the next chapter will be surrounded around the dinner party ;)
> 
> Thank you to all my fabulous readers! You are all so damn wonderful <3
> 
> Much love <3

Ben stands outside the wooden door, its golden handle so familiar, and yet like a distant memory at the same time. He reaches for it, but stalls pressing his forehead against the door instead. His heart is thundering inside his chest and no breathing technique can calm it down.

Ben never really saw his paintings anymore. Not even the ones that hung in the hallways, he mostly avoided seeing them. Occasionally he would get a glimpse and want to tear a hole in it but forced himself to keep walking to his room.

Now he stood before the room that held almost all of his paintings that he had painted when he was younger. It was time to face his past and continue forward with his future knowing that there will come a day where he paints again.

Clutching the handle he pushes inside, a wave of emotion hits him seeing the paintings he had done from the time he was a boy up to when he was about twenty. All his other paintings were either hanging in museums or on someone's wall.

 These were all the paintings he couldn't bear to give up.

His footsteps are heavy as they walk towards the painting of him and his father, gazing at the wide smile plastered on his dad's face. Ben had painted this from memory remembering how his dad always tossed him up in the air and caught him with ease. Han had made him feel like he was flying each and every time. Ben could practically feel the clench of his stomach from how much he would laugh whenever he was around his dad.

How he wants to go back to the time before the accident. Things may have not been perfect but he had his dad, his mom… _Chewie_.

He closes his eyes being pulled back to the past.

* * *

 

Age 29

Ben is lost in thought as he sketches in his notebook nodding his head to Deftones blaring through his headphones. A hand lands hard on his shoulder scaring the life out of him, his own hand jolts forward making a thick line through the face he had been working on.

Shucking his headphones off he twirls his chair to face a very pissed off Elizabeth.  Her arms are crossed over her chest, foot tapping. A deep scowl is etched into her features.

"You forgot about lunch didn't you?" She hisses.

Ben's heart falls into his stomach, he was so caught up sketching he hadn't been paying attention to the time. His mind totally overlooked the fact he was supposed to take her out today.

"Damn it, I'm so sorry babe. I know it doesn't make up for it, but shit I'm so sorry Elizabeth. What can I do to make up for it?" He moves closer to her, but she takes a step back. It stings but he knows he deserves it.

"You will never change Ben. All you care about is your fucking art! I'm getting tired of it!"

"You know I love you, but art means a lot to me. I can't just give it up," he calmly says trying to place his hand on her shoulder. She pulls out of the touch.

"Just get out. I don't want to see you right now."

She leaves no room for discussion, storming out of the room leaving Ben dazed and confused.

He loved her, he really did, but she had never really cared about his art. She hardly admired the paintings or commented on them. He had once asked her opinion and she shrugged him off saying she was busy. The last thing he could do was to stop being an artist, it was embedded under his skin. Art bled into his soul and made him who he is. Without it, he would be nothing, that he knew for a fact.

He would just have to let her cool off. Dialing Chewie's phone number he pulled on his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, and grabbed his helmet heading out the door to his Sportster 883 iron.

"Hey, kid," Chewie's deep voice rumbled through the phone.

"Hey Uncle, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me heading over to hang out with you for a while. Elizabeth doesn't want me around."

Chewie sighed, "Maybe you two should reconsider marrying."

Ben rolled his eyes, "Not this speech again Chewie."

"Come on over. We can talk about it here."

"Thanks, see you soon."

"See you soon, kid."

Ben shoved his phone into his pocket and pulled his helmet overhead. Throwing one leg over the motorcycle he sat getting comfortable before starting it up.

It was a nice day, he could feel the breeze on his exposed neck, and reveled in how good it felt. Days like these made it worth living. Even with all the drama going on with Elizabeth he couldn't be happier. Soon enough he'd be with his Uncle Chewie and feel that sense of security for just a little while.

Chewie was the best Uncle he could have ever asked for. As a child, he would always pick him up when he fell, hold him close to his burly chest, and sing him lullabies that always calmed him down. While he got older Chewie was always by his side rooting him on to do his best. He had told him to always believe in his dreams and that's exactly what Ben did. Now he was living his dream and that was all thanks to the people who loved him.

It happens so fast, the light is green he's going at a steady speed, and there is a kid running into the street. His heart freezes but without hesitation, he thrusts the bike to the left avoiding the kid by a mere hairs length. He hits the ground so hard he gasps at the excruciating pain that heats his blood and then everything is dark.

_Where am I? Chewie? Dad? Mom? Elizabeth?_

_Anyone?_

His eyes flicker open, clearing to see the smooth expanse of golden skin. Her neck is craned to the side obviously staring off at something in the distance. Suddenly her eyes meet his, his brows draw together at how beautiful she is.

_An angel?_ He thinks and tries to find out who she is, but she shakes her head.

"You've been in an accident. Your neck is cut. Don't talk please."

_An accident? What the hell?_

_Wait? Oh, fuck? No…this can't be happening._

Dark eyes flit to his hand, there is blood surrounding it, and he can't feel anything. It's numb. He begins to panic, chest rising and falling hard until her voice breaks through it all.

"Shh, it is okay," she whispers, "Your hand will be fine."

He wants to believe her but he knows something is terribly wrong. Wiggling his right hand he still has motion but when he does the same for his left nothing happens. His glove is torn to shreds and his life is over he can feel it in his bones.

An EMT pushes her away and he begins to panic once again. He doesn't want her to leave him, all he wants to do is call out to her. Ask her to stay and soothe him with her angelic voice with a slight lilt to it.

She disappears and he succumbs to darkness once again.

* * *

 

Ben's eyes fly open, breathing raggedly. He reaches up to touch the scar on his neck feeling the raised skin that the woman had held there saving his life. His mind is desperately trying to piece together why he felt like he knew her. The wheels in his head were spinning round and round until finally, it dawned on him.

_It couldn't be?_

_Rey…_

Laughing he ran his hand through his hair, "There is just no fucking way. That would be too much of a coincidence," he muttered trying to steady his racing heart not quite ready to believe it could possibly be Rey that had been the woman who gave him a second chance in this world.

If she was he truly was the scum of the earth for treating the person who kept him from the brink of death like utter shit.

Abandoning the room filled with his past, he tried to shake the feeling that had consumed him away but it proved to be futile. He was terrified to find out the truth of the matter. Maybe it was best to just keep it to himself for now until the right time presented itself. Departing the room, Lucky bounds over to him nipping at his ankles. He chuckled grabbing her easily with one hand and lifted her to place her in the crook of his left arm. Scratching behind her ears he smiled at how cute she was.

"Silly girl, are you hungry? Is that why you're biting my ankles?"

She meowed loudly in response.

"I'm going to take that as a yes."

Heading downstairs he placed her in front of her food bowl and grabbed the wet food cracking it open plopping it in the dish. She eagerly gobbled at it little body shaking side to side as she did so.

"You're so fucking strange," he laughed itching behind her eat, "Be a good girl. I'm going to take a swim."

Heading to the pool he stood at the edge staring down able to see his reflection shining back at him. The scar that ran jaggedly through his face reminding him that he was lucky to be alive. Rey had been there that day. She had done what no one else thought to do. He wanted to get on his knees before her and beg for forgiveness but he didn't want to scare her off with the knowledge that he remembered her.

Getting into the pool he waded into the water before floating on his back watching the clouds pass by. He wondered if Rey knew who he was the entire time and if she did he wanted to know why she hadn't said anything. She never once used the fact she had saved his life when he was being cruel to her against him. He had definitely deserved every slap that woman laid upon him, even the chokehold was well deserved.

_The woman truly was a fucking saint._

"Ben," her soft voice invaded his thought process.

_She was also a fucking ninja._

He stood up in the shallow end waiting for her to speak once again. She looked like an angel in the morning light, the sun hitting her chestnut hair just right, and bouncing off of her golden skin highlighting all her beautiful freckles. He would give an arm and a leg just to touch her in a way that conveyed how sorry he was for everything he had done and said. Hazel eyes wandered over his face and lower to his chest.

He bit the inside of his cheek standing stock still while he let her get her fill. The way she let her eyes wander all over him made his body burn, blood pounding with the need to be inside of her. She would be so damn warm he knew that, so tight that it made him see fucking stars. His skin itched with the desire to act on his baser instincts but he forced them away letting her continue to gaze at his body. Her eyes flickered back to his flitting between his own.

"I called your dad he said that things fell through with his work so he can have dinner with us tonight. Chewie and your mom said tonight works for them too."

The notion of them stopping by tonight terrified him to no end but he knew that the time would come sooner or later so he nodded turning to the steps to get out of the pool. He could feel her eyes on him the entire time. Her heated stare made him feel like a peacock flaunting his magnificent feathers. He stood straighter, prouder, and even flexed a bit just to give her more of a show. She may not want to be with him but she couldn't deny that he was a sight to look at he knew that for a fact. All those hours in the gym hadn't been a waste after all.

"Do we have enough ingredients to make something for dinner?" Ben asks grabbing the towel draped over the back of a lounge chair.

She moves closer to him, "Yes, I thought I could make some hamburgers paired with a salad and some fries. I'm pretty good with spices so it won't be as plain as it may sound."

"It sounds simple and amazing."

When he's done toweling off he fixes his attention on her and notices the faint blush on her cheeks.

" I told them six, is that okay?" She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, Ben's eyes track the motion.

"Yes, that's fine."

There is a silence between them, Rey bites her lip causing his cock to stir to life.

"I need to bathe," he blurts quickly turning away from her to head back into the house.

Rey follows him, "Um, do you need help…with your hair?"

"I'll be fine," he mutters skipping steps as he goes up the stairs yet still Rey trails close behind him.

"It's really no big deal. I can help."

Her voice is soft and beckons him to just give in but with what he is feeling right about now in a certain place he doesn't trust himself right now.

"I said I'll be fine," he growls trying to get the point across to her to leave him alone.

"Watch your tone," she snaps and he feels the weight behind the words. Fine, if she wants to help she can but he tried to warn her.

The bathtub begins to fill after he turns the faucet on, he busies himself with putting the towel close to the tub for easy access, grabbing another bottle of conditioner from under the sink, and placed it on the edge of the tub. Once the water filled to a good level for him to step in without splashing it onto the ground he turned it off.

He decided to look once more at her and saw that her hazel orbs were trained on the scar on his neck. It _was_ her after all.

His cock still hasn't gotten the message to calm the hell down and even though he knew he should use the cloth he decides against it. He _wants_ to see her reaction to the sight. Thumbing the waistband he pushes them down to his ankles and kicks them off. His manhood bobs and stands proudly, the tip practically touching his belly-button. He is so hard that it fucking hurts.

Her gasp tears his attention to her shocked expression, she stumbles backward until her back meets the wall. She stares blatantly at his swollen appendage, face bathed in red. Forcing himself into the bath is a feat but he does it and lowers down so she is no longer able to see what she does to him. Wetting his hair he waits patiently for her to grab the conditioner and smooth it through his hair.

His eyes close when her fingers lace through the thick strands, her mouth by his ear startles him, "Ben, y-you can't keep doing this to me," she whispers.

"What are you talking about?" He tried to act naïve but his voice shook giving him away.

"I _can't_ be with you."

It pains him to hear her say those words, he fights through the sting though, "I know, Rey. I understand. It's my body that isn't getting the message."

She says nothing more as she finishes washing his hair, he thinks she is going to leave but she doesn't. Her lips pressing against the scar on his neck is like an electric shock to his system. Grunting he surrenders his neck willingly to her. His right-hand remains gripping to the side of the tub. Her tongue darts out running along it.

" _Fuck_ , Rey please," he finds himself begging and somehow feels no shame in doing so.

"I'm glad you're alive Ben," she says against his skin.

"All thanks to you," he murmurs.

She jolts away from him, "What does that mean?"

He stands in the tub back still to her, "I remembered," peering at her over his shoulder her expression is full of fear, his eyes soften not wanting her to be scared, "You were the one that held pressure against my wound ensuring I didn't lose more blood. You were the one who saved my life."

Stepping out of the tub he wraps the towel around his waist moving towards her, "There is nothing to fear. You gave me a second chance at life and I am grateful. I'm an asshole, a coward, and there may never be a day where I deserve you but you have to know that you are an extraordinary woman. You make me want to be a better man," pausing he takes a deep breath and says, "I'm not nothing when I'm with you."

Her eyes widen, hand grasping to where her heart would be, “I’ll help you Ben. I promise I won’t give up on you. I never will.”

His eyes darken in lust, "But you must also know how much I want you and licking my neck makes me want to push you down right here on this tile floor so I can taste how sweet you are."

Her face flushes, "That was…," she shakes her head flustered, "Just forget that."

Hurrying out of the room he smirks at her sudden departure. Letting out a sigh he shoves his fingers through his hair.

That woman was something else.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO
> 
> Find me on tumblr <3
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	8. Dangerous Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dangerous games you play  
> So headstrong stuck in your ways  
> So fearless, lost in the fray  
> It never occurred you’ve become so concerned  
> With someone else’s way."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but I may not be able to write as frequently this week due to a lot of bs I have to take care of.  
> Sooo I at least wanted to finish this and release it to you all! Hopefully, I will be able to get the next chapter up sooner than later!
> 
> Thank you for all of your continued support! I'm over the moon with your comments <3
> 
> Much love <333

Nervous doesn't even begin to describe how Ben is feeling. He manages to pull on some slacks and his white button up knowing he'll have to ask Rey for help. Ben wanted to look good for his family though. It wasn't like he could have dinner with them in nothing but his dirty sweats. He was able to style his hair somewhat even with the one hand. Still, due to the exercises that Rey and he had continued to work on along with new ones added into the mix his hand was starting to function a hell of a lot better than it had before.

He hadn't told Rey yet but he had started to get more feeling in it. Every touch that she laid on his scarred hand lit his body aflame with hope. He could _feel_ her fingertips massaging the tender skin, the first time it happened he was shocked yet somehow it didn't register on his face. Rey seemed completely unaware so he decided to just keep quiet about it for now.

Still, even with his hand feeling stronger than before it brought on a completely new fear. His hand would still not be steady as it once was. Even if it does gain back mobility, Ben couldn't help but think he may never be the artist that could create masterpieces like you've never seen before.

It clawed at his gut, gritting his teeth Ben goes into his closet finding a bottle of wine he had stashed in a suitcase. Finding it he is glad that Rey didn't decide to raid his room in search of every bottle of liquor he had hidden swearing he would never turn to any of it. They had all been gifts from the time when he did drink with abandon.

He can't help but laugh when he finds it to be a twist-off bottle. _Cheap bastard_ he thought about whoever had bought this for him. Taking a deep pull of the wine he growls at the disgusting taste, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand.

 He decides to just kill the stupid thing so he doesn't have to taste it anymore. Tonight was a big night for him and of course, he let fear get to him once again. All he could do was try to act normal. As if that was going to happen. Ben had already started feeling on the much drunker side of things.

Trashing the bottle he is more buzzed than drunk which means there is a chance to act like he didn't just chug an entire bottle of wine because of his inability to face the music. Checking himself in the mirror his cheeks are only slightly tinted. If anything he can play it off as just being nervous.

There is a knock at the door, fussing with his hair real quick he answers it. Rey smiles up at him, "I wanted to let you know I finished the burgers, it's 5:30 right now."

 "Thanks, I know I was no help."

She laughs, "No worries, it was easy anyway. Here, let me help you with your shirt."

Rey grasps onto his shirt and with deft fingers begins to loop each button into the proper hole. Ben figures out pretty quickly that he is definitely a lot more drunk than he had thought he was. Every swipe of her fingertips against his skin causes him to lean more into the touch until he winds up placing his hands on her waist startling her.

Her gaze is wary as she finishes off the last button, "Ben, are you drunk?" She asks incredulously.

"I might be." There is shame in his tone.

Rey sighs heavily, shaking her head in disappointment. It is written clear as day across her face, instantly he regrets his poor decision in a moment of weakness.

"Your family will be here soon, try to sober up," she snips.

"Rey, I'm sorry." He bites the inside of his cheek, worrying the skin there.

"Sit down. I'll help you with your shoes."

He gulps doing as she asks. Rey is no longer as kind with the way she tugs his socks on hastily and laces up his combat boots with a speed he didn't know she possessed. Usually, she took her time but now she didn't even seem to want to even be in his presence.

Standing to her feet Rey exits the room without another word. Ben hadn't even taken the time to appreciate the red dress that hugged her waist and fanned out at the bottom. The sashay of her hips was the last thing he saw before she moved out of sight leaving him with his guilt.

It's the doorbell ringing that sends his heart frantically racing. Sweat beads at his temple, jumping to his feet he paces the length of his room. Broad chest rising and falling with rapid breaths all the while his anxiety builds and builds trying to consume his every thought.

He feels faint when he moves toward the door, stumbling forward he reaches out grasping onto the handle managing to catch his burly body before he tumbled to the floor.

"I can fucking do this. I can fucking do this," he chants under his breath, pressing his forehead against the door begging for his body to stop trembling. Ben's left-hand aches, brain fuzzy from drink.

_Pull yourself together!_ He yells inside his head.

Yanking the door open he tugs at his collar feeling as if he was suspended in a dream. The walls were closing in around him and he swore he was going to fucking vomit. The wine had been a nightmare of an idea.

The start of the stairs come into view, a daunting feat he will have to conquer if he wants to make it down them alive. With quick, heavy steps he gets down the stairs without fault. He can hear the sound of his mother's voice and Rey's sweet laugh. His family was all in there right now and he was falling apart at the seams.

His vision begins to blur in and out, reaching out blindly his fingertips trail over one of his paintings. Jolting he tears his hand away from it and stumbles forward into the kitchen. Four sets of eyes all dart to him, he flushes even more.

"Oh god," he hears Rey breathe.

"Jesus Christ, kid," Chewie grunts jumping into action helping Ben stay on two feet. Ben wants to die of embarrassment feeling the strong arm wrapped around his waist, his own arm rests around Chewie's shoulders.

Ben's head feels heavy, chin falling to his chest he wills his body to function if just for a little bit. Gathering his resolve he forces his legs to work standing to his full height pulling away from Chewie.

"I'm fine," he growls immediately going on the defense.

" _Ben_ ," Rey hisses, his attention snaps to her. It's almost as if she has a collar around his neck and is yanking the leash demanding obedience.

"I'm sorry. I may have had too much wine to drink," Ben confesses in a low voice, dark orbs fixing themselves to the ground. _Way to make a grand-fucking-entrance, eh you fucking idiot_ Ben sneered at himself.

Tiny feet covered by black heels come into his view. He feels her warmth surround him, hand cupping his jaw. Whenever she does this, his mother is forced to stand on her tiptoes. Instinctively he leans forward to give her easier access to lovingly stroke his cheek. The smooth pad of her thumb trails along the scar that mars his face.

"Look at me, Ben," his mother coaxes him, her tone soft and inviting.

Allowing his eyes to flicker to hers he is taken aback by the love shining in her brown optics. She tilts her head to the side, a smile blooms on her face.

"There's my boy. So handsome," she coos sufficing to make him blush ten times harder.

"Ma," he grumbles avoiding Rey's blatant stare.

"You could have at least waited to get drunk with us," his mother teases winking at him. She thrusts a finger towards his dad. Han registers what she means and holds up the bottle of whiskey.

Ben can't help but laugh, "I was really nervous, to be honest."

Han comes up to Ben patting him on the shoulder, "It's okay son. Now let's eat I've been staring at the burgers Rey whipped up for us for the last fifteen minutes."

With those words, the tension in the room eases ten-fold. Rey and Leia move the dishes out to the dining table. Everyone sits passing the dishes around getting how much they want as they settle in a laid-back small talk.

Chewie talks about his wife, how the baby is almost on her way out. Chewie is so excited and animated while he talks bringing a smile to everyone at the tables face. Rey bursts with laughter at something his dad says and smiles ear to ear when his mom tells her they need to get together for a shopping spree after Rey tells her she never goes to stores. He hardly talks but doesn't mind the fact. Listening to everyone talk to one another, getting along so well has a strange feeling stirring in his chest.

Rey tilts her head back, tears beading at the corner of her eyes. Chewie is waving his arms like a madman, face lighting up as he explains another one of his crazy stories to her. Both his parents are also laughing but more subdued due to hearing these tales one too many times.

Ben can't stop gazing at Rey. Chestnut hair touches shoulders that he wants to press delicate kisses against. The dress dips down in the front revealing a hint of cleavage, he remembers having those perfect tits in his palms. They had been full, soft, and the way she responded to having her tight buds tongued made him harder than he had ever been in his life. Such soft, sweet moans that had escaped her parted lips. Ben understood she had wanted him but Rey was smart enough to know that they couldn't go any further unlike himself.

His dark gaze drifts along her golden skin, painted nails a darker shade of red. He wanted her so fucking bad.

It's sudden when he stands up at the table, Han had the glass of whiskey to his lips quirking a brow at his son. Lucky had somehow found her way into Chewie's arms, lounging there while he stroked her fur. Both Rey and his mom eyed him curiously.

"I'll be back in a moment," he said so fast that his words jumbled together. Dashing out of the room he fled to the bathroom locking himself inside.

Flicking the light on he sees his reflection, pale skin covered with a thin sheet of sweat. He groans at his haggard appearance. His emotions were warring with him, clawing at his heart demanding for him to just let go. Rey's hazel eyes flash in his mind, charming smile fixed on him, lips pressed against his neck, and soon enough he can't stop his arousal from pressing at the front of his slacks.

"I can't," he mutters dejectedly, "She doesn't want you. She'll never want you."

He shoved his hair away from his face, drawing in a long breath he exhaled it a moment later. A humorless laugh escapes him. The sound is so broken that a sob wracks his body, his dark brows furrow, bottom lip trembles.

"You're just a fool lying to yourself. There is no way a woman like her would ever like a monster like you.”

His left-hand flexes slightly reminding him of why he had let his life turn out the way it did. All the people who loved him were in the next room and he had betrayed each and every one of them. He was selfish and he didn't deserve any of their forgiveness. A waste of space was all he was. They would all be better off without him.

A soft rap at the door startles him, "Ben, it's Rey. Are you okay in there?"

"Yup!" It comes out louder than he wanted it to and he curses himself for it.

"Can I come in?" She says demurely. The soft lilt of her voice coming out more than usual.

Yanking the door open he steps aside to allow her into the somewhat small space. This bathroom was designed a lot smaller than the rest of them. Shutting the door behind her he presses his back up against the wall not prepared for what she is about to say to him. Call him a coward? An idiot? A _monster_?

He shudders at the thought of that ever being spat at him again.

"You don't have to lie to me, Ben. Just tell me what is going on. I'm here for you."

There is too little of space between them, she is the sun with how much heat she radiates. He wants to touch her but knows the result is to be burned. Still, he wanted to take that risk and worry about the consequences at a later time.

"You seem to be getting along quite well with my family," he mused flitting his attention to her plush lips.

Crossing her arms over her chest she nods, "They are really amazing. I'm glad I was able to meet them."

"I bet you think I'm the biggest douche bag on the earth right?"

She didn't hesitate in answering, "Of course you are, Ben. You have a loving family that only wants to see you thrive and you pushed them all away and for what? So they wouldn't see how broken you are? They could already see that from the start. You lost something grand. They understood and instead of cherishing what you still had you acted like a selfish brat. You've been through a lot but you still have people that love you and are willing to stand by your side. You need to wake the hell up and stop pitying yourself."

There is a pain in her eyes that he knows stems from the fact she herself lost her parents at an early age and spent the remainder of her life up until eighteen in an orphanage. He had everything she wanted and here he was treating the things she desired to have like they were nothing more than the dirt underneath his feet.

"You're right. I'm a fucking idiot. I will never stop thinking that they would just be better off without me."

"Don't say silly things like that, Ben. I'm just saying you need to keep moving forward. Your hand is already getting better."

He tries to stop himself but his need to touch her is too much, with his left hand quivering he traces the vein pulsating in her neck. She starts, a small gasp pulled from her throat, he looks at her through half-lidded eyes and notes she is looking up at him from underneath long lashes.

"I'm starting to get feeling back in it. I can actually feel your skin. You're _so damn soft_ , Rey," he slightly cups the side of her neck even though it is painful he doesn't move it away, " _I burn for you_ ," he declares lips mere inches from her own.

"Y-you're hand. You can actually bend your fingers now. It's amazing progress," she stutters ignoring the way he expressed his desire quite openly to her.

Chuckling, he let go of her leaning back against the wall smoothing a hand through his ebony locks. Deciding not to push her any further.

"Yeah, I didn't think it would ever be possible but with more work, it should be able to be back to its old self. You won't have to worry about helping me with my hair anymore."

The thought of her leaving and him never getting to see her again makes him sick to his stomach. Still, he would let her live here as long as she needed to. She was almost done with school and then she could move on with her life leaving him in the dust.

Rey's eyes have softened significantly, "We should get back out there."

Nodding he follows her out of the bathroom feeling a lot soberer. His family acts as if he didn't leave the room in a hurry or that he had returned with Rey by his side. Taking their seats they fall back into conversation with them.

"Your hand seems to be doing a lot better," his mother mentions taking a small sip of her whiskey on the rocks. He noted both Rey and Chewie hadn't been so bold mixing it with coke to dilute the strong taste.

"All thanks to Rey. I've been doing the exercises she has instructed. I'm able to slightly bend them and I'm beginning to get some feeling back in it."

"That's wonderful!" Leia exclaims placing her hand over her heart.

"You'll be painting in no time," Chewie winks and Ben can only hope that statement rings true.

"I really hope so."

"Don't give up son, you got this," Han says raising his glass and tilts it back taking a hefty chug. His parents are definitely on the train to tipsy land.

"I'm their designated driver, this is just coke," Chewie mentions as if sensing Ben's concern. Letting out a relieved sigh Ben thanks him.

His parents end up drinking so much that they are giggling like two teenagers, cuddling with each other on the couch after they all migrated into the living room. Chewie, Rey, and himself had all played a couple card games that they played with the beer that Chewie had brought just in case. One game was asshole that wasn't as fun with just the three of them so they switched to pyramid. It was causing them to drain their beers so quickly that even Chewie was slightly flushed. He opted out deciding to rest his eyes but Rey and Ben played a different card game that was having them laugh with abandon.

They both were drunk by the fourth game, all he could say was he was glad Rey wasn't getting on his ass about him being tipsy once again. He guessed that when he was drinking in the company of friends and family instead of drinking his fears away that it was different. Ben _was_ feeling a much better buzz this time around than before.

Ben and Rey sneak off to the backyard dipping their feet into the pool. The moon reflects off the water, both of them stare enamored by how beautiful it is.

"Do you really think there is hope for me?" Ben asks laying on his back resting his hands on his stomach.

"Of course there is. I may have not known you from before Ben but I know that you didn't deserve to have your dream ripped away from you and it's really torn you apart. You have behaved erratically and hurt people you love but you are already making up for that. I can see how much you love them and you will start feeling more like yourself in due time."

Turning his head to the side he meets her hazel orbs, "You didn't say anything when I told you I burn for you. I wasn't lying, Rey."

She flits her eyes between his, exhaling on a shaky breath, "I know you weren't. I already have said several times that we can't be together."

"I know, but I don't want to believe that. I want to be someone worthy of you and even though you're so close you are so far out of reach."

"Ben," she whispers reaching towards him but her hand drops right before she touches him.

His right hand surges forward clasping onto the side of her neck, leaning in he presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth but doesn’t take any more than that. He wanted more. So much more instead he flounders to his feet refusing to meet her eyes. Muttering an apology he returns inside to find his parents passed out in each other's arms and Chewie scrolling through his phone.

"Chewie, I think I’m falling in love.”

* * *

 


	9. The Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hoping that you like, that you like how you're living  
> Relying on the kindness of strangers that you will be forgiven  
> How many times, how many times will you shit on what you're given?  
> How many times, how many times 'til you shut up and listen?"  
> -Phobe Bridgers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goodness, the love I've been getting on this story just blows me away!
> 
> Thank you to all my readers! Your support is what makes my world go round <3
> 
> Also, I want to say a special shoutout to Gljbeatrice7 for inspiring me to write this particular chapter!
> 
> This chapter will be from Rey's POV at the dinner party. Yes, there will be a bit of retelling so if you don't care to read it I will not be offended!! 
> 
> Much love <3

Rey smoothed down her dress, willing her heart to steady. Ben Solo was starting to get under her skin in the best way possible admittedly against her will. She had pressed her lips to the scar that slashed across his throat, the very same place where she ensured his survival. Possessed, she had done such a thing growing instantly wet at how easily he let her have access to the spot. His grunt of pleasure had her entire body tingling with need. Licking a path along his scar caused her to become severely consumed by lust. The way ‘fuck' rolled off his tongue almost made her slam her lips against his.

That was until he let her in on the fact that he knew she had saved his life. Startled by the sudden confession she wasn't sure if he would explode on her or feign indifference. It was why she had been taken completely off-guard when instead he thanked her, sincerity shined in his dark orbs. That was not what she had been expecting but it had warmed her heart nonetheless.

Standing outside his door presented a new wave of fluttering in her stomach. Steeling her nerves she knocks and waits patiently. There is a stirring inside the room, a moment later the door opens Ben's large frame blocks out the light from the room.

Her breath hitches, cheeks tinting with red at the exposed skin of his sternum that leads down to those abs that are tight with strength. The dip of his hips showcases the teasing V that has her pulse thudding hard. Black slacks mold to muscled legs; she doesn't stop her eyes from wandering to the spot between them that she had seen one too many times.

Forcing her gaze up, she smiles, "I wanted to let you know I finished the burgers, it is 5:30 right now."

He reaches up cupping the back of his neck, cheeks tinted with red, "Thanks, I know I was no help."

She laughs, shaking her head, "No worries, it was easy anyway. Here, let me help you with your shirt."

This is the only way to distract her from just how enticing Ben truly is. Threading the buttons through the loops she focuses on the task at hand not missing the way his breathing had changed, deepening with every light touch against his skin.

His hands grasping onto her waist startle hers. Wary of the way he is staring at her she finishes off the last button. Tilting her head to the side she hopes that he isn't actually what she thinks he is right now.

"Ben, are you drunk?" She asks in disbelief.

"I might be." There is shame in his tone. Pools of black wander to the floor, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth she watches as he worries it.

Sighing, she shakes her head in disappointment.

"Your family will be here soon you should try to sober up," she snips.

"Rey, I'm sorry."

"Sit down. I'll help you with your shoes," she demands. At the moment she doesn't want to hear his excuses, all those feelings that had been tugging at her heart were tampered down and put aside. Rey just wanted to escape the room as quickly as possible.

He obeys her sitting on the bed; fidgeting with the end of his shirt it is easy to tell he is extremely nervous. Yet, she can't believe he had the gall to get drunk right before his parents were about to show up. All she wanted was one night where Ben could behave like a civilized adult and he decided to get tanked instead. Lacing his boots up with no finesse whatsoever, she flees the room really hoping he regrets his idiotic decision.

The ringing of the bell alarms her; practically stumbling down the stairs she rights herself at the bottom acting smooth and causal when she answers the door.

There stood all the people who couldn't imagine the world without one Ben Solo. Leia wraps Rey in a hug, softening Rey returns the warm embrace. Pulling away Leia holds onto Rey's shoulders smiling tenderly up at her.

"You look radiant dear. I hope Ben hasn't been too much trouble."

Rey laughs, "He has his moments I can't lie. He can be quite a pain in the ass."

Rey blushes at her brutal honesty, Han's boisterous laugh breaks through, "Ben has never been the easiest guy to understand. I think it has something to do with the whole tortured artist thing."

The smile falls off of Han's face, "I've never seen Ben smile as much as he did when people complimented him on his paintings. He not only painted for himself but for the world. It was a way for him to express himself."

Her eyes catch a movement from over Han's shoulder, what she sees makes her heart drop; a cold sensation sends a chill down her spine, "Oh god."

Ben was barely holding back from throwing up that was easy to decipher. He was pale in the face, on the verge of falling face forward on the marble floor.

"Jesus Christ, kid," Chewie grunts shooting forward to stop Ben from cracking his skull open. Rey sighs in relief, still, the nagging feeling does not leave her instead it continues to burrow itself deep down in her stomach. Now she feels like she is going to puke. Ben was as pale as snow, ebony hair a tousled mess that even in his state he remained handsome nonetheless.

A slight flush is the only thing that gives away his utter humiliation. She can't seem to sympathize with that aspect though. He did this to himself and he would have to deal with the consequences.

Ben tears himself away from Chewie, "I'm fine," he growls. Rey knows he's trying to build his walls quickly before his family gets too close. She is the only one who will put him in his place, his family long given up on trying to stand up to him.

"Ben," She hisses, pinning him with a glare that demands obedience.

His head whips over to her so fast she swears he turned into an owl for that split moment. There is a heat in his eyes that she is not prepared for; it threatens her such as a volcano would-ready to erupt at any moment if some force of nature decides to set it off. Swallowing down the comment he was prepared to spit at her he warily faces his head forward returning the attention back to his family.

"I'm sorry. I may have had too much wine to drink," Ben says in a low, husky voice that has Rey's heart pounding so hard it hurts. His enchanting pools of black drift to the floor, the tension in the room stirs with charged energy that is until Leia strides towards Ben standing several inches shorter than he.

Rey's heart clenches watching Leia stand on tiptoe to lovingly stroke Ben's cheek. The action was enough to make her melt into a puddle but what really got to her was Ben leaning forward so his mom didn't have to be forced to stand on her tiptoes in heels that were probably already hurting her feet.

"Look at me, Ben," Leia's rich and inviting tone sweeps to Rey's ears. The adoration she sees shining in Ben's eyes when he meets his mother's undoubtedly doting gaze rocks her to the core. His emotions shine through with a blinding force, all his feelings served on a silver platter with nowhere to hide.

"There's my boy. So handsome," his mom coos and Rey hides a smile when his face turns a brilliant shade of red.

"Ma," she hears him mutter.

"You could have at least waited to get drunk with us," Leia teases, she points at Han and he in return holds up the bottle of whiskey.

Ben laughs, it is genuine and heavenly to Rey's ear, "I was really nervous, to be honest."

Han walks up behind Ben clasping his hand on his shoulder, "It's okay son. Now let's eat I've been staring at the burgers Rey whipped up for us for the last fifteen minutes."

Rey couldn't be happier with the way the tension flees from the stifling room. Leia helps Rey move the dishes onto the dining table thanking her they all take their spots at the table. Leia and Han sit next to one another, Chewie next to Rey, and like the king he is, Ben sits at the head of the table.

 Rey blushes at the thought that she thinks of Ben as some king, he would be a brooding one that's for sure. No doubt he would be a force to be reckoned with, a no mercy kind of guy to ones who betrayed him, but to the ones who were loyal, they would feast like they were kings themselves.

Cursing her brain for going off on some strange tangent she directs her attention to Chewie deciding to learn more about him, "How is your wife doing? No longer craving coffee like a maniac I hope?" Rey says with a teasing tone.

Chewie smiles, "I love the woman but my god she is being a stone-cold tyrant! Everything sets her off and at this point, I don't know what will make her happy," somehow he chuckles not put out at all that his wife is demanding things from him, "You would not believe the potty mouth she has developed!" He exclaims.

"This woman literally was a saint before the baby and now she curses at everything! She curses at the television, sometimes even the refrigerator if it doesn't open the way she wants it too, she curses at the microwave for being too slow! The list goes on and on! All I can say is that this woman deserves a reward for being able to go from the sweetest angel to a very sexy vixen! I don't know why her cursing all the time turns me on."

The table is silent only for a moment, Rey erupts with laughter, and both Leia and Han both join in on the amusement. Rey notes that Ben smiles softly stirring a fry around in the ketchup not really paying attention. There’s a distance in his eyes that causes Rey to be concerned. Now was not the time to start anything though.

"You think she was bad?" Han chimes in, "Leia begged Ben every day while he was in her stomach to just relax. He was an active little thing, constantly making sure that she knew he was there. The guy wouldn't even leave us alone when we were trying to have sexy time," Han wiggles his brows. Rey can't stop another round of obnoxious laughter as Leia sinks in her seat shaking her head at Han. Rey knows he will get chewed out for that one later on but right now the table is full of laughter and that's all Rey wanted for the evening.

"Do you have any more tales from the past that you can share?" Rey asks not ready for the laughter to stop.

"Oh let me tell you Chewie is full of stories," Han mumbled picking up a fry lathering it in ketchup and eating it.

"I'll tell you my best one," he smiles.

"So, when I was a kid my cousins used to go with my parents and me on an annual camping trip. The five of us plus my parents would hop into the motorhome and head down north to some quiet abandoned place in the middle of the woods where a river was nearby where we could follow the trail there and have a swim.

Well, one night we were on this trip and my family decided to whip up some beans pairing it with nothing more than tortillas and salsa. Of course, we all devoured it because we were starving. Let me tell you I was eight at the most my older brother was about eleven, there were my two cousins his age and my younger cousin who is a year younger than me. My parents had a place down the hall which was basically the only room that had privacy. The camper also had a couch that turned into a bed, and then we had bunk-beds where my cousin Rick, my brother Anthony, and I slept.

This was all located right by the damn kitchen that's how small this thing was. Anyways we all went to bed, in the middle of the night my younger cousin fell out of his bed and ended up crying waking my parents. His brother was able to soothe him, but now the three of us on the bunk-bed were all wide awake. My parents went back to sleep and so did my two other cousins. Rick, Anthony, and I all were talking in hushed whispers when all of a sudden Rick ripped the loudest fart known to man. Like this dude was tiny and that fart rumbled the entire fucking bed!

Of course being teenage boys we were immature as all hell, we had to stifle our laughter behind our hands so we wouldn't wake my parents up once again. They had already been exhausted by our younger cousin. Those beans came back with a vengeance, Rick could not stop farting. He was laughing uncontrollably and farting all at the same damn time. I'm surprised he didn't shit his pants! At this point there was no way to stop our laughter, we were giggling like buffoons, and my brother Anthony roared with laughter and that ended up waking our parents. They were pissed and told us to cut it out. Thankfully, after the scolding, it seemed that the beans were giving Rick a rest. In the morning we all couldn't stop talking about it. Let me just say we all refused to eat beans from that point on."

Rey was bellowing with laughter, tears streaming down her face. She loved how animated Chewie was, his expressions morphed into so many changing ones that it was hard to keep up. Both Han and Leia are also laughing but more light-hearted. Rey figures they may have heard this story before.

Wiping the tears from her face, she shifts her attention to Ben. He seemed to be lost somewhere in his own head. Rey's brows stitched together wondering what was going on up there. He springs to his feet out of nowhere, "I'll be back in a moment," the words come out clustered and hard to understand.

"I wonder what that was about," Leia worriedly says still staring at where Ben had disappeared around the corner.

"I think he's not feeling well," Chewie murmurs stroking Lucky's fur with an adoring look on his face.

"Could you check on him, dear?" Leia practically begs a strain to her beautiful voice.

"Of course," Rey breathes excusing herself from the room. She heads in the direction he left, stopping at the bathroom door she sees the light streaming out from underneath. Hesitating she is about to knock but holds her hand there when she assumes his back slams up against the door freezing her to the spot.

"You're just a fool lying to yourself. There is no way a woman like her would ever like a monster like you."

She hears it clear as day; his self-deprecation hurts her more than she thought it ever would. Rey doesn't want Ben to think himself a monster. Those words she had spat at him were words that had surprised even her. She had never been the type to intentionally hurt someone and doing that to Ben even though he deserved a good smack to the head was still not something that pleased her. If only he knew how much she did desire him, still she couldn't allow herself to go to that place or else she might not make it out alive.

Softly rapping her knuckles on the door she gathers her courage to speak in a steady voice, "Ben, it's Rey. Are you okay in there?"

She waits for his reply, it is almost instant, and rough sounding. A sharp yes is all she gets, still, she doesn't give up.

"Can I come in?" This is a bad idea she thinks and yet when he opens the door standing aside to let her in she willingly steps inside not even stopping him from shutting the door behind him.

She notices him shudder, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth.

"You don't have to lie to me, Ben. Just tell me what is going on. I'm here for you."

The mood suddenly changes; his once solemn expression turns stern, serious. His jaw is locked tight; arms crossed over his broad chest stretching the material along his wide-set shoulders. Then his body relaxes, eyes soften, and his lips quirk into a small smile.

"You seem to be getting along quite well with my family," he mused, eyes moving between her own.

Crossing her arms over her chest she nods, "They are really amazing. I'm glad I was able to meet them."

"I bet you think I'm the biggest douche bag on the earth right?"

She didn't hesitate in answering, "Of course you are, Ben. You have a loving family that only wants to see you thrive and you pushed them all away and for what? So they wouldn't see how broken you are? They could already see that from the start. You lost something grand. They understood and instead of cherishing what you still had you acted like a selfish brat. You've been through a lot but you still have people that love you and are willing to stand by your side. You need to wake the hell up and stop pitying yourself."

She knows this truth will hit hard. Then again she can't find it in herself to lie to him. He seems to respond better when she is completely honest with him. Ben had everything she had ever wanted, loving parents, and a place to call home. Even though his circumstances turned shitty he still should be a hell of a lot more grateful for what they did for him. They loved him with all their heart and he needed to get that through his thick skull. All these games and childish acts were getting old.

“You're right. I'm a fucking idiot. I will never stop thinking that they would just be better off without me."

"Don't say silly things like that, Ben. I'm just saying you need to keep moving forward. Your hand is already getting better."

She starts, a small gasp pulled from her throat when his left-hand traces the vein thudding in her neck. He watches her through half-lidded eyes and she gazes up at him unable to tear her eyes away from the way his eyes scan her face admiration in them.

"I'm starting to get feeling back in it. I can actually feel your skin. You're _so damn soft_ , Rey," he whispers slightly cupping the side of her neck, his next words light a fire in her belly, " _I burn for_ _you_ ," he declares lips mere inches from her own. Wetness pooled between her thighs, she ends up rubbing them together hoping he doesn't notice what he does to her. Avoiding the heated comment she blurts the next thing that comes to her mind.

"Y-you're hand. You can actually bend your fingers now. It's amazing progress," she stutters.

Chuckling, he lets go of her leaning back against the wall smoothing a hand through his ebony locks.

"Yeah, I didn't think it would ever be possible but with more work, it should be able to be back to its old self. You won't have to worry about helping me with my hair anymore."

Never being able to do that for him again tugged at her gut. Pushing the feeling away she steered the conversation back to returning to where his family was waiting patiently for them, "We should get back out there."

Nodding he follows her out of the bathroom. She feels his towering form only a pace behind her, her mind wanders to how good he would feel pressed up to her from behind grinding his length into her while whispering taboo things that would have saints rolling over in their graves. Groaning inside her head she begs for the thoughts to leave her alone. They take their seats and fall back into the easy conversation.

"Your hand seems to be doing a lot better," Leia mentions taking a small sip of her whiskey on the rocks. Rey didn’t have as strong of a stomach as Leia and Han. She chose to mix her whiskey with coke diluting the taste somewhat.

"All thanks to Rey. I've been doing the exercises she has instructed. I'm able to slightly bend them and I'm beginning to get some feeling back in it."

Rey blushes at his compliment; at least he was willing to admit she was helping him.

“That's wonderful!" Leia exclaims placing her hand over her heart.

"You'll be painting in no time," Chewie winks. Rey doesn't miss the way Ben’s eyes grow panicked before he brushes it off smiling.

"I really hope so."

"Don't give up son, you got this," Han says raising his glass and tilts it back taking a hefty chug. Rey really hopes that they weren't planning on driving.

"I'm their designated driver, this is just coke," Chewie mentions as if sensing her concern. Letting out a relieved sigh Ben thanks him and Rey breathes one of her own.

Ben's parents end up drinking so much that they are giggling like two teenagers, cuddling with each other on the couch after they all migrated into the living room. Chewie, Ben, and herself had all played a couple card games using the beer that Chewie had brought like the gentleman he was.

One game was asshole that Rey didn't find too much enjoyment with due to it being just the three of them so they switched to pyramid. The game forced them to drink a shit ton that Rey could feel herself getting tipsier by the second. Chewie ended up leaving the game and went to rest his eyes. Rey and Ben played a different card game that was having them laughing with abandon. She can't lie that it is amazing to hear Ben laugh so whole-heartedly.

They both were drunk by the fourth game and Rey didn't care all that much that Ben had been a lousy drunk earlier. She was on cloud 9 and was not about to come off of it. They sneak off to the backyard dipping their feet into the pool. The moon reflects off the water, both of them stare enamored by how beautiful it is.

"Do you really think there is hope for me?" Ben asks. Rey turns her head to see his perfect side profile that shows off his strong Grecian features.

 She doesn't hesitate to respond.

"Of course there is. I may have not known you from before Ben but I know that you didn't deserve to have your dream ripped away from you and it's really torn you apart. You have behaved erratically and hurt people you love but you are already making up for that. I can see how much you love them and you will start feeling more like yourself in due time."

Turning his head to the side he meets her gaze, "You didn't say anything when I told you I burn for you. I wasn't lying, Rey."

She flits her eyes between his, exhaling on a shaky breath, "I know you weren't. I already have said several times that we can't be together."

She burns for him too but he can't know that fact. Not yet.

"I know, but I don't want to believe that. I want to be someone worthy of you and even though you're so close you are so far out of reach."

"Ben," she whispers reaching towards him but her hand drops right before she touches him.

His right-hand surges forward clasping onto the side of her neck, leaning in he presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth but doesn't take any more than that. Her whole body shivers at the brief touch of his lips. He jumps to his feet refusing to meet her eyes. Muttering an apology he vanishes from sight leaving her there to ponder what the hell just happened. She decides to go after him but stops just outside the door knowing he must have not thought she would follow him.

"Chewie, I think I'm falling in love."

She clasps her hand over her mouth so the gasp doesn't escape her parted lips.

There was no way those words just left him, there was no way in hell that Ben Solo was falling in love with her.

"My god kid. Are you serious?"

"She's saving me, Chewie. I don't know what the hell I'd do without her."

"Well, then you need to get your shit together. That woman deserves the world."

"I know. She's so _fucking perfect_."

"I never thought I'd see you so smitten, Ben. It looks good on you."

"Shut up. Get them home safe and yourself too. I'm tired and drunk. I'm going to bed."

Rey doesn't wait around fleeing to her room shutting it behind her quietly. Steeling her racing heart she processes his confession.

Ben Solo was falling in love with her…

And that knowledge was dangerous…

So _very_ dangerous…

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi!!
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	10. Shiver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I remember there was something that I swore  
> I promise you I'm not the fool I was before  
> We've all the one thing that we value so much more  
> And you are mine shiver, shiver."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is I love my freaking readers <3
> 
> So much love for each and every one of you <3
> 
>  

“Are you sure you're going to be okay on your own?" Rey asks grabbing her purse off the countertop.

Ben scoffs, "I'm not a child Rey. I'll be fine. You should be able to go hang out with your friends and not have to worry about me. Go have fun."

Her eyes softened moving closer to him, his own shifted to meet hers, "You could always come with me, Ben. I'm sure Poe and Finn wouldn't mind."

Shaking his head, "No, I would just get in the way with my brooding personality," he teased but the smile he wore didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Well, I'll see you later then," she murmured fiddling with her purse handle.

"Drive safely and don't forget to have fun." He was back to his shirtless self and Rey didn't stop herself from ogling the defined muscle of his stomach, she wanted to smooth her fingertips down his rigid abs counting each one, and revel in the way the black happy trail would feel underneath them. She wondered if it would be coarse or soft like it seemed to be. It was sleek and in a straight line-no doubt soft she thought.

Shaking herself out of her reverie she said goodbye and headed to her car trying her best to put his sad eyes out of her mind. The morning after the dinner party Ben had been distant spending more time holed up in his room. He joined her for breakfast a couple of times, always allowed her to work with him on his hand exercises, and doted on Lucky constantly. Still, she knew that there was a weight on his shoulders that had something to do with his confession to Chewie.

Ben Solo was falling in love with her and though she tried so hard to tell herself she didn't feel the same that would only be a lie. All her emotions were becoming overwhelming, she was treading into dangerous territory but with each and every passing day Ben's hand continued to heal. His hand was almost at complete mobility and where she thought he would be ecstatic about such a thing that emotion was nowhere in sight. Instead, in its place, there was a solemn expression that betrayed his true feelings.

All Rey wanted to do was soothe his fears but he was taking so many steps in the right direction and she didn't want to distract him from his progress.

Arriving at the bar she parks and heads inside finding Poe and Finn sitting in a booth munching on fries. They both wave when she approaches big smiles framing their faces.

"Hey guys, how are you two doing?" She asks scooting into the booth and setting her purse down beside her.

"Good," they said in unison breaking down into adorable laughter. They beamed at one another and Rey felt like she was intruding on a personal moment. She suddenly wished Ben had come with her. Suddenly she couldn't imagine not having her here with him. Waving at a waiter passing by she ordered herself a long island hoping it would ease the emotions swirling around in her heart.

"It's so nice to see you, Rey. It feels like it has been forever," Poe declared taking a sip of his beer.

"I've just been really busy with Ben and all."

"How is he doing?" Finn ponders resting his chin on his palm.

"Very well! He has made so much progress with his hand and I'm sure he will be able to paint soon enough. It will just take dedication and hard work. I know he can do it."

"That's great to hear! He should have come."

"I asked him but he didn't want to get in the way."

"Nonsense! Tell that loser to get his ass down here. We'd be happy to have him here," Poe stated waving his hand at her to call him.

She drew in a long breath, nodding in agreement she pulled out her phone and exhaled dialing Ben's number. He answered moments later, his deep, husky voice sending electric shocks to a place she would rather not have tingling at the moment.

"Hello?"

"Ben, it's Rey," she said breathlessly. She doesn't miss the way Finn's brow quirks up or the sly smirk on Poe's face.

A low chuckle rumbles through the phone, she closes her eyes at the rich sound, "I know. How's it going?"

"Good. I'll just cut to the chase. You should come to meet us at Tipsy Tavern…I think it would be fun."

"You really want me there?" He inquired sounding unsure.

"Of course. You can't remain a recluse forever," she teases flicking her attention up to meet two sets of eyes that are very curious.

"Let me get ready. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon."

They hung up, Rey shoved her phone back into her purse thanking the waiter that stopped by taking her card and left her strong drink on the table. She gulped it half way down avoiding her friends knowing gazes.

"You two seem to be quite chummy with one another. Did something happen between you two?" Finn questions stirring his bloody Mary nonchalantly. 

Her face flames, biting down on her bottom lip she replies, "No, of course not."

Poe snorts, covering his mouth at the strange sound, Finn pats his back, "C'mon Rey you don't have to lie to us."

Sighing Rey takes another gulp of liquid encouragement, "I overheard him telling Chewie that he thinks he is falling in love with me. We've been connecting more lately and to be honest I can't say that the feelings aren't mutual. I think I'm also falling in love."

Their eyes are wide with astonishment, "Holy shit Rey! You _love_ Ben-freaking-Solo!"

Rey shushes him darting her eyes around to see if it had caught anyone's attention, luckily everyone is too busy drinking to be paying much mind to what is going on in her life.

"I feel something for him however it is confusing and I'd rather take some time to sort out all my emotions before jumping into the deep end."

Poe and Finn nod in understanding, Poe's eyes drift to the door, "It looks like lover boy was pretty excited to see you and holy shit he has a motorcycle helmet in his hand."

"No _fucking_ way," Finn whispers stunned as much as Rey is. Poe finds them easily standing before their table stopping and kick-starting Rey's heart all at the same time.

Poe hadn't lied there in Ben's right hand was a black helmet that had a red dragon along the side of it and his own hands were covered in black gloves. Ebony locks were tousled, dark eyes scanned them all just staring at him, and she watched with eager eyes as his tongue darted out swiping along his bottom lip. He cleared his throat a strained smile on his face.

"Hello Finn and I don’t think we've had the pleasure of meeting yet. I'm Ben," he extends his gloved hand towards Poe. Poe leans over shaking his hand, in complete and utter awe of meeting Ben face to face.

"I'm a huge fan of your work. I have three of your paintings hanging on my walls! They are magnificent!" Poe was totally fanboying over Ben. Rey and Finn both stifled their amusement behind their hands giving one another a knowing look.

Rey is enamored by the way Ben's cheeks tint with color, "Thank you."

Moving over Rey makes room for Ben to sit down; he sets his helmet down on the table filling the spot next to her making her blood pump harder. He tugs his left glove off but has more trouble with his right she watches as his hand trembles harder than normal. Gently she places her hand on his, those dark orbs land on her she grows weak in the knees at the sentiment inside of them.

Helping him rid himself of the glove he thanks her and orders a beer. Smoothing his fingers through his hair, leg restlessly bouncing up and down. A shaky breath escaped his parted lips and she could see relief wash over him when the waiter sets down his beer. He pulled his wallet out placing a ten in his hand and telling him to keep the change.

Darting her eyes to the menu she saw the beer he ordered was only six bucks and it was also happy hour so that docked one dollar off of it. He just spent ten bucks on one beer and is not put out at all by it. She wishes she could be as reckless with money like him.

Rey's face heats with shame. She had actually been jealous of his wealth. Ben no doubt worked his ass off to get where he is-the paintings were the perfect example of that. They rivaled master painters such as Van Gogh and even Da Vinci.

 All the passion Ben put into his work shone through in waves daring you to look away and yet there you stood unable to do such a terrible thing like walk away. She wanted to analyze every detail of his paintings yet she didn't because she refused to get caught by Ben and have him act like a cocky son of a bitch about it.

"So, how are things going for you, Ben?"

Rey shifts her attention over to Finn silently thanking him for tearing her out of her thoughts. He winks at her and waits patiently for Ben to answer him.

Ben leaned back spreading his arms along the length of the booth, Rey felt his heat instantly. He had to be warm in the leather jacket he was wearing nevertheless he acted unaffected by the heat. Blue jeans did nothing to hide the thick thighs that led to equally thick calves. Never straying from his combat boots she was not surprised about them adorning his feet.

Hazel eyes flick to the spot between his thighs. Her mouth goes dry, heart leaping out of her chest at the bulge, easily able to see where his manhood is resting against his thigh. His jeans weren't even that tight either, still, that part of him always had to make itself known when around her. Even now she can see it thick and long-standing proud against his stomach. She had almost begged to touch him. Even with how soft the appendage looked she knew it would be hard and possess her to have a taste.

Rey has been so lost in thought that she hasn't noticed that Ben is staring right at her. Straightening in her seat she meets his heated gaze. Flicking his pools of black to his lap she tugs her lip between her teeth. A smirk forms slowly on Ben's face, it is all-consuming. She is absolutely _screwed_.

Darting her eyes over to Poe and Finn she notes they are too lost in each other right now to pay much attention to her and Ben. _Did she miss what he responded to Finn_?

 Her hazels meet black, they blaze with wicked intentions. Staring him in the eyes proves to be frightening and exhilarating.

"What you staring at?" He mumbled lifting his beer to lips she has dreamt of kissing more than once.

"N-Nothing," she stutters. _Smooth_ she groans.

Quirking a dark brow he studies her face, "Ah, I see. Just lost in thought I presume?"

"Exactly," Rey mutters waving down the waiter once again to order another long island.

Ben leans in, breath hot next to her ear, "You don't have to be embarrassed, Rey. I feel it too," he says in a low, deep, voice that has warmth spanning throughout her entire body.

"It's nothing like that and you know it. I was staring at your helmet," she lied. Her second drink arrives and she guzzles down half of it just like the last one. She can already feel herself getting light-headed and having Ben Solo exuding sex next to her isn't helping.

"You must think I'm crazy to ride my motorcycle huh?"

"I'm pretty sure most people would think that, Ben."

He laughs warmly, almost gentle, dark eyes forcing her to peer over at him, "You're always so honest Rey. So blunt and to the point. You keep me on my toes. You're a good girl," he murmurs.

The sensation that tightens her stomach, making her sex throb burns her from the inside out. Her lips have parted, small pants escaping them continuing to keep her eyes locked with his. There is a swirling of emotions in his heated coal-black optics and she finds herself sinking into them…being consumed by lust for him.

"Don't call me that," she mumbles holding herself together by a mere thread. It dangles in front of her threatening to break at any given moment.

"Don't call you what?" He huskily growls. Legs spreading further apart so that his knee bumps up against hers and he keeps it there. Even with that contact, she is left pressing her thighs together. Wearing a dress was now proving to be not the wisest choice however she hadn't known Ben would actually agree to come out.

Seeing his massive form walking with a helmet in hand had scared the life out of her if she was being honest. He obviously rode his motorcycle here with no fear of the consequences. She wanted to think the impulsive behavior to choose that form of transportation had to do with feeling more like himself--still even then he could have driven a damn car. Her first instinct was to scold him but the smoldering look he had given her had left her speechless.

Jumping at the feel of him cupping her cheek, she whips her head towards him. It is his left hand upon her. She shivers at the slight tremble of his fingertips as they trail lazily along her jaw-line, skimming her neck, and his thumb swiping over her bottom lip tantalizingly slow steals her breath.

"Getting lost in that pretty head of yours all the time, it makes me so fucking curious," he drawls, dark eyes piercing her own. Breaking the connection he leans in skimming his nose over her jaw until his lips were a few inches from her ear.

His breath was hot and smelled like the hoppy beer he was drinking, the combination was making her dizzy-reaching out blindly she grips onto her purse sitting next to her, "I can't help but wonder if you're thinking of me, wanting me, and that makes me so fucking hard, makes me want you so bad. I know I can't have you but it won't stop me from thinking about how sweet you would taste or how beautiful you would be moaning and writhing beneath me."

Her core clenched, a warmth rushed out of her coating her panties, and to her dismay rubbing her thighs only caused her arousal to slip down to her thighs coating the insides. Ben's hand disappeared and she mourned the loss. His large, calloused hand wrapped around his beer and he took a hearty chug of it.

Finn and Poe were finally coming down from their goo-goo eyes with one another and had now focused their attention on Ben and Rey. Rey figured that was the reason Ben's hand left her cheek, it had warmed the place, and his words had created an entirely different heat that was causing her extreme discomfort.

"I hate to offend you but how is the hand doing?" Poe asks warily.

Ben shakes his head, "I'm not offended. I finally have most of the mobility back reason why I could ride my motorcycle. I can finally touch my fingertips to my palm and that helps with my ability to grip things."

Rey tries not to take it as a sexual innuendo but of course, her mind wanders there in its buzzed state.

"Wow, that is great! Have you thought about if you want to still paint once you're fully healed?"

Poe's eager eyes are a dead giveaway that he is hoping that Ben returns to painting so he could buy more of them to hang up around his house. Finn gently slaps Poe's shoulder, "That's a little intrusive don't you think honey?" Finn's tone is stern and meant to make Poe reconsider his question.

"It's okay Finn. I'm not sure what is going to happen with my painting career. I really hope I can paint again, as soon as possible would be great, though I'm not completely sure it will ever be steady enough to hold the brush correctly. There's a lot of precision that I put into my work and I'm sure I'll just fall back into a hole of despair if I keep thinking too much about that particular subject. For now, I just want to focus on getting better."

Rey couldn't hide her shock at how calm and collected Ben handled that situation. He wasn't cruel and did nothing to try to hurt Poe's feelings for asking such a personal question. Ben was becoming a man that Rey knew full and well was easy to fall in love with.

Rey understands what love feels like, she had been in love with Hux, and cherished every moment with him. This feeling for Ben was something entirely different that scared the living hell out of her. This feeling was intoxicating, mind-boggling, enchanting, and made her feel like she could rule the world if Ben pressed his lips to hers even for a brief moment.

Oh god, she really _was_ falling in love with him!

"Ben?" A soft voice interrupts her racing thoughts. All sets of eyes land on the woman. Rey is drawn to her burgundy hair that falls in waves around her sharp jaw-line. Petite, big blue eyes that have an emotion in them that Rey can't quite read. The baby blue dress outlines her slim build even more-so. Beautiful hardly describes her-she is so much more than that and peering at Ben she knows this woman has struck a nerve with him.

Ben's face has hardened; Rey can practically see the walls being built up around him, little gremlins bickering at one another while others laughed sinisterly as they consumed Ben with hatred. His breath deepened, chest beginning to rise and fall a little harder eyes blazing with raw fury. The tension around them sizzled and cracked with barely constrained anger.

Ben did not respond to the woman, Finn being the sweet guy he was flashed a charming smile, "Hello sweetie and who might you be?"

He stood up extending his hand to her in greeting, a slight tint colored her cheeks, and she took his hand, "Elizabeth."

Rey's heart stutters at the realization of who this woman is. _Elizabeth?_ Ben's ex-fiancée, the one who abandoned him because she was disgusted by his hand and what he had become. Rey felt her own face harden and she became closed off not wanting this bitch to be anywhere near Ben yet, of course, Finn was too polite for his own good.

"Did you want to sit with us?"

Blue eyes widened, jerking her head side to side, "No, I wouldn't want to intrude. I'm just waiting for my friends."

"Then you can wait with us," Finn exclaims, Rey can see he's a bit tipsier than she is. He grabs a chair scooting it up to the end of the table which means she'll be close to Ben.

Flushed she takes the seat avoiding Ben's death glare. Rey can see how tense he is, his right hand is fisted under the table, other hand gripping the back of the booth something he wouldn't have been able to do in the past. She understands completely why he's behaving as such. In all honesty, he has the right-this woman had been horrible to him.

A week after the dinner party, Chewie had come over to talk to Ben specifically. Rey heard a lot of yelling and finally, the storm calmed. When Ben and Chewie returned to the kitchen where she had whipped up some tuna sandwiches for them both his eyes had been rimmed with red. She knew immediately that Chewie had told Ben about Elizabeth and what he had heard her say about Ben. The next day he worked even harder to getting his hand to restore to full health.

He was no longer snarky with Rey, he had his moments that she just had to be a little stern with him and he shaped up. He was trying his best and that was all Rey had wanted from him. Now, she was afraid of seeing Elizabeth was going to set him back.

"So, Elizabeth, how do you know Ben?"

Elizabeth tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, Rey doesn't miss the way it quivers, her heart looks like it is jumping out of her chest, and she gulps stuttering when she talks next, "Oh, we dated in the past."

The entire table goes deathly quiet, "Um, you guys dated?" Finn weakly inquired realizing his mistake a little too late.

"Yup," Ben quips, "Elizabeth didn't care much for my fucked up hand. She just wanted me for my cock and money," he laughed humorlessly.

"That's not true," Elizabeth hisses.

Rey, Finn, and Poe are all red in the face at Ben's blunt comment. Rey tries not to think about Ben's cock anywhere near Elizabeth, an intense wave of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and she'd rather not feel such a thing.

"Don't fucking lie. Chewie overheard you talking about how you thought my hand was horrifying and you didn't want it anywhere near you let alone touching you. You were disgusted by it and he told me another thing that you were really upset that you wouldn't be able to get everything your heart desired anymore. Our entire relationship had been a lie, you were hardly friends with Carter, you only hung around with him because you wanted me, and knew I had a rich family. It wasn't a coincidence meeting you at the museum. I was a fucking asshole to you at the end of our relationship and for that, I can apologize but in the end, you were the one who was fucking use me from the start. You never loved me not like I loved you." 

The truth hangs heavy in the air, Elizabeth's entire face is flushed in humiliation but she does nothing to deny the truth flitting her eyes over to Rey scanning her for a second before returning her attention to Ben, "So what Ben? You got laid and you hardly were boyfriend material let alone husband material. Yes, I wanted you for your money and when you got injured you became this scarred unappealing freak. Your entire back is ruined, your face is marred, and your hand is putrid. What woman would ever want you near her let alone touching her? You are disgusting."

Rey is blinded by rage, it all happens so fast somehow she is able to maneuver herself out of the booth with lightning speed ramming her fist straight into Elizabeth's face. She managed to get Elizabeth on the floor with her screaming blocking Rey's punches barely.

"You bitch!" Rey hears herself roar, "Don't act like you know him! You know _nothing_!"

"Holy shit, Rey! Stop!" Finn yells.

She feels a strong arm wrap around her waist tearing her off of the screaming bitch underneath her. Rey is breathing heavy and uneven, red still flickers behind her eyes. She snarls digging her nails into the leather jacket unable to break the skin underneath. A hand wraps around her neck pulling her into an even stronger body, it is all hard muscle and she whimpers.

"Easy there wildcat, they called the cops you need to settle down," Ben grunts next to her ear, squeezing her neck lightly.

"I'm going to press charges, you crazy bitch!" Elizabeth screams blood running from a cut on her eyebrow, her eye is already bruising. Rey knows she is going to be spending the night in jail and there would definitely be an assault charge against her which meant she could be spending up to a year in that same county jail.

"Don't worry, wildcat. She won't press charges. I'll pay her off." Ben's soothing tone is laced with blatant need and Rey finds herself slowly giving in to the spell he has cast over her.

Letting go of her, the cops arrive a paramedic checks on a distressed Elizabeth. The bar-goers all look on curiously, Rey wants to snap at them to mind their own business but knows she has already caused enough of a scene.

A woman cop that towers over Rey rivaling Ben in height stands before her flipping open her notepad. Her blonde hair is shorn short, blue eyes cold as she gazes down at Rey, "I'm here to collect your statement, what happened between you and the young lady?"

Inhaling deeply through her nose she confessed the truth, "That woman used to date, Ben. He was involved in a serious accident that has caused him to have scars. She decided to insult him and I lashed out."

"What exactly did she say to him?" A blonde brow rises skeptically.

"She told him she only wanted him for his money, that when he became injured all he was now was a scarred unappealing freak. She told him his back was ruined, his face marred, and hand putrid. Then she said no woman would want him near her or touching her. The last thing I heard before I snapped was her calling him disgusting."

The blonde known as Officer Phasma scribbled down Rey's statement down; closing it she put it in her pocket. Sighing, "The words she said were definitely cruel but that still doesn't give you the right to physically attack her."

"I understand. I'm willing to accept the consequences."

Another officer came up behind the larger than life woman, "She's not going to press charges. Let's go."

Phasma nodded, "Sorry about your friend. Hopefully, he is doing better."

"Thank you,” she says completely relieved she won’t be spending the night in a cold cell. She hated to admit it but she knows that would be terrifying and not something high on her list of experiencing.

The officers left and that's when Rey noticed Ben shoving money into Elizabeth's hand. She flipped him off, giving one last cold glare towards Rey and departed from the bar without another word. Of course, they were all kicked out too.

Finn demanded that they talk soon about the whole ordeal and Rey agreed sending them off with a kiss on the cheek and wave goodbye. Rey walked up to where Ben was sitting on his Sportster.

"So, you had her fixed?" Rey says eying the beautiful motorcycle.

"Yeah, I would have done it myself," he wiggled his hand, "Not like I could at the time."

"Ben, I'm sorry.” She cast her hazels towards the pavement.

His brows knitted, "Why?"

"I mean I could have gone to jail tonight and you paid her off because of what I did so I'm sorry."

His hand reached out wrapping around her wrist tugging her closer, "Never apologize for that. What you did for me," he shook his head, "Fuck, it was _so damn sexy_."

"Ben," she hushed out.

"You stood up for me and for that I'm grateful," he murmured stroking the skin on the inside of her wrist sending heat through her.

"You know I'd do that for you again in a heartbeat," she confessed even though it scared her to do so. Whatever was happening between her and Ben there was no way to go back. He had burrowed his way inside of her heart and she couldn't envision a life where he wasn't in it in some shape or form.

"So, does this make us friends?" He teased but she could tell he was truly curious.

"Yes," she breathed, "We're friends."

His eyes darkened in the way she has associated with lust, tugging his lip between his teeth he lets it go a moment later. Nodding, he swallows harshly, the noise audible in the quiet night. The moonlight bounces off of his mass of black hair, framing his pale skin in a way that makes him look almost like some fallen angel. She's sure he is going to sprout a pair of black wings at any given second nevertheless nothing happens.

She realizes she wants to hear what Ben sounds like when he's in the midst of ecstasy. Would he grunt and say filthy things by her ear? Pant helplessly and beg her for more? Would those dark brows furrow making him look like he was in pain but she would know the truth? Her gut coiled with how badly she wanted to feel him thrusting into her bringing her to new heights.

She can hardly remember her first time, it had been in the dark, whiskey on their breaths, and in the morning she had to do the walk of shame. That was the only time she had slept with anyone. It had been four years after Hux died, she had been miserable wishing for him to come back to her. That's how she wound up drunk and hit on some boy that she had been friendly with a couple of times before. She gave up her virginity to him and can't remember if it even hurt or felt good.

"There you go getting absorbed by your thoughts again," Ben mutters snapping her out of her head.

"S-Sorry," she stammered blushing at what she had been thinking of.

"I'll see you at home."

She notices the shift; his eyes have grown cold and distant. He tugs his helmet on, starting the bike up, and she watches as he goes the rumbling of the bike disappearing with him.

_What the hell was she going to do…?_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO


	11. Any More (Don't Want to Fight)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I don’t know what this was for  
> And I don’t want to fight anymore  
> And I don’t want to go down this road  
> God, don't let, don't let me die here alone  
> No, no, no."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo, I'm sorry I'm not as consistent with updates but I've been drained due to work.  
> My brain seriously cashes out the minute I get home.
> 
> Hopefully, this chapter will make up for it!
> 
> So, for the majority of this chapter is written in first person, Ben's POV. I apologize if that throws anyone off!
> 
> Much love <3
> 
>  

Age 29

When I was a child winter had been my favorite season. December brought flashing lights, hot chocolate, my ma wrapping me up in dozens of blankets and telling me stories by the fireplace. My father would take me to see Santa every year until I realized he was just a made up character. Chewie would let me help him bake cookies always sneaking me more than I should have. Our little secret that my mom nor dad ever found out.

Those memories are the ones I desperately cling to as I sit here wrapped in a blanket staring at the rain fall outside my balcony doors. With how cold it is outside, my hand still burns, and trembles uncontrollably. Willing it to relax is futile and I find myself growing more and angrier each and every day. Nightmares plague me leaving me restless and paranoid. I think the last time I was able to get a decent night of sleep was before the accident. Now I'm constantly in a state of about to lose my shit or completely numb.

I've lashed out over a hundred times in the course of a month. I know I'm breaking my family's heart and it makes me feel like the salt of the earth but still, I continue to berate them even though they are just trying to be there for me. I've caught my mom crying in my dad's arms more times than I'd like to admit.

Elizabeth doesn't say much, she tends to my wounds and leaves without another word. I deserve her frigid demeanor; the things I've spat at her were words that should have me buried deep in a ditch in the middle of nowhere- never to be found. For some reason, she sticks around and that is beyond me.

There's a knock at the door, ignoring it I remain sitting staring at the sky that matches my mood. Whoever it is they don't care to open the door closing it softly behind them. Without even looking I immediately know who it is based off that.

"Ben, can we talk?" She questions me in that sweet voice that used to sound like music to my ears whereas now sounds grinding to them.

Remaining silent she decided that was as close to a yes as she was going to get, "I'm leaving. For good. I hope you find what you're looking for."

I remain stock-still, eyes fixed straight, jaw clenching so hard due to fighting back the tears that threaten to fall, and show her how much I care that she is leaving me. She doesn't even see my face, the clink of a ring on my bedside table, and that soft click behind her as she walks out of my life forever.

I'm not sure when I give in to the tears but later I wake up to find myself in bed. Chewie sits reading in the chair he dragged next to my bed. A deep sadness washes over me, hating who I have become. I'm just a shell of the man I used to be. Happiness had been all that I known. I longed for nothing because I had a doting family, a couple close friends, and of course the ability to create art that spoke to the masses. In a heartbeat, all that I loved had been snatched from my grasp.

Even above hurting my parents, the one person in this world that would devastate me to be cruel to sat only a couple feet from me.

"You have to get away from me Chewie."

Chewie snapped his head towards me, blue eyes flitting between my own-the dull glow casting shadows on his face.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He quips snapping his book shut.

"I'm only getting worse. All I feel is nothing and then everything all at once. I'm dangerous and I don't want to hurt you."

The lines at the corner of his mouth deepen, "Don't spout such nonsense, Ben. You and I both know how thick my skin is. Nothing you do or say would ever make me leave your side."

It always starts with the tick underneath my left eye, my pulse begins to thud harder, and adrenaline races through my veins, "I'm not fucking kidding Chewie. I will _destroy_ you. Stay the fuck away from me."

"Ben, you don't-"

"Are you fucking deaf? Listen to me," I growl moving out of bed to lean in close to him not caring that he could probably throw me across the room, " _Stay-the-fuck-away-from-me_."

Chewie stands sharply to his feet throwing me off balance, my heart drops to the pit of my stomach when I meet his gaze. There is no malice or hatred in them only pure, unadulterated misery.

"I'll see you around, kid."

He storms out of the room and I collapse to my knees burying my face in my right hand wishing that I had just died that day. Hazel eyes flash in my mind soothing me; sometimes I can still smell her flowery scent, it had masked the smell of metallic and calmed me enough to figure out what the hell was going on. The moment the medics forced her away from me, panic set in, and I longed to reach out for her, beg her not to leave me. She had seemed so sad and even though it was wrong to think of her I couldn't help myself…

Sadly as time moved on she became just a blur, my mind couldn't even recall the color of her eyes were they more blue than brown? Green to brown? Hazel…but what kind…

 

* * *

 

My ma smoothed the scar cream over my back. I sit clutching the back of the chair facing it in the opposite direction, my leg jiggled impatiently while she did so.

"Ben, can you please relax? I can feel the tension rolling off you in waves."

"Fuck off," I muttered and as I knew she would do- she remained silent not scolding me for such an insensitive comment.

"Don't talk to your mother that way," my father snapped eyeing me over the newspaper in his hands.

Smirking cruelly I let out a bitter laugh, " _Now_ you're going to stand up for her? After all this time? You've both been fucking cowards."

Standing I pulled away from my ma's touch feeling like scum for doing so. Her small sigh tugs at my heartstrings and I'm close to apologizing until my dad opens his mouth, "We're cowards? Have you taken a look in the mirror lately son? You have let yourself get so wrapped up in your own suffering that you are blind to everyone else's pain. You should really think before you decide to speak, Ben."

"Shut the fuck up, you have no idea what I'm going through!" I was seething at this point. He rose to his feet standing before me several inches shorter than I am. Green eyes showed his torment and when he reached to place his hand on my shoulder I snarled in his face, " _Don't_ fucking touch me."

"Ben, I love you so much but this has to stop! You are killing yourself and hurting everyone who loves you! Do you honestly want to be alone for the rest of your life!?"

"I'm old enough to make my own decisions dad! I don't need you and ma breathing down my fucking neck!"

"You tried to kill yourself, Ben! How can we not be worried!?"

My father had been the one to find me in the bathroom after I had ingested a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I had reached my breaking point and wanted to be free from the despair that held tight to me. He had forced me to throw them up and I spent a week in a mental health facility while they asked me endless questions that only heightened my anxiety. After that incident both my parents refused to leave me alone.

It's a cold bite remembering that low point and I hate him for bringing it up. My arm cocks back and before I can stop myself it is slamming into his jaw. Time goes in slow motion, my mom screaming, shock takes a hold of me, and my father crashes to the ground. He lies there for a moment before staggering to his feet; shaky fingertips reach up to touch the spot that I hit. Green eyes meet mine and I'm flabbergasted.

"D-Dad, _fuck_! I'm so sorry," I stutter and move towards him. He takes a step back shaking his head but my brain doesn't want to see it and I place my hand on his cheek. Flinching he tugs away from me.

"I'm so sorry dad, _please_ forgive me." My voice choked up, tears began to stream down my face, and still, my dad refused physical contact.

" _Please_ , dad, _please_ ," I begged and reached for him as he pushed past me shrugging me off.

"Han, you need ice," my mom cried refusing to even look at me.

"I'll be fine, honey. I'm going to head home."

"Dad," I whisper watching him walk out the door shutting it gently behind him.

Silence fills the room, biting down on my lip I flick my gaze to my mom who just stares at me blankly. A sob wracks my body her lip quivers and she runs out of the room leaving me to wallow in my regret.

"I'm a monster," I whisper to the empty room.

It was no wonder why everyone gave up on me…until she appeared in my life…

* * *

 

**_Present: A Week after Dinner Party_ **

The shrill ringing of my phone pulls me out of my slumber, reaching out blindly I find it, and answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey kid, sorry to wake you," Chewie's gruff voice shakes me awake.

"No worries, something wrong," glancing at the clock it reads 6 am, "Kind of early."

Chewie chuckles, "Says the kid that was always up before the sun."

A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth remembering fondly of the days I wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons which meant I had to be awake by 5 am to catch all my favorites. Those mornings I would make a bowl of cereal and keep the television low enough so it didn't bother my parents.

Rolling my eyes, "There has to be a reason you're calling, what's up Chewie?"

Even over the phone, I can feel the shift, a tension replaces the warmth, "We need to talk. Are you free later today?"

A feeling of dread courses through me, swallowing I find my voice, "Sure, can you come over around 9?"

"I'll see you then, kid."

"Bye," I mutter hanging up and growing confused by what just occurred. Whatever Chewie wanted to talk about didn't sound like it would be pleasant.

Tossing the covers off, my feet hit the wooden floor heading into my walk-in bathroom shucking my sweats off along the way. Turning the knob to warm I stepped under the steady stream and groaned at how good it felt to be able to do this by myself once again. I didn't mind the baths but nothing could compare to the ability to stand under the warmth of the water while it rained down on you. However, I would miss Rey's fingers threading through my hair tugging gently at the strands at the nape of my neck.

Thinking of those hazel eyes piercing into mine fills me with wanton need. My cock thinks it is going to get what it wants and I laugh humorlessly, "Settle down boy we both know that is never going to happen."

Cleaning off I enjoyed the heat of the shower for a decent thirty minutes before stepping out and toweling myself down. Deciding on a pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt I dress heading downstairs to find Rey in the kitchen sipping on a cup of coffee. Her pretty hazels connect with my dark gaze and I almost moved to kiss her enticing lips.

Instead, I direct myself to the pot of coffee, grabbing a mug out of the cupboard I pour myself some of the dark liquid. Not one for drowning it in sugar I pour one packet of splenda and sit across from her. She had at least a dozen pieces of paper spread out in front of her, writing filled each one. Tilting my head in curiosity I took one into my hand. Scanning over it I realized it was for a job in the physical therapist field.

"I applied recently to a clinic not too far from here. I'll be graduating after this semester so I figured it was time to see if there were any openings and luckily there were many. A couple of days ago I received a confirmation for the first step in the hiring process. This is just one of them but I'm really hoping I'm able to get this job. It would mean the world to me,” Rey states as if seeing my thoughts being projected on a white sheet.

My heart skips a beat at the prospect of Rey leaving and even though I'm desperate to beg her to stay I force a smile on my face, "That's great Rey. I know without a doubt you'll get the job."

She beams at me, "Thank you, Ben."

"Chewie needed to talk to me so he'll be over shortly."

Rey straightens in her seat almost as if she knows why Chewie is coming over. Narrowing my eyes at her I quirk a brow at her waiting patiently for her to speak. She chuckles nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, "It's always nice to see Chewie," she declares and returns to her work.

Of course, I'm dying to know what that look was all about but the doorbell rings signaling that Chewie had arrived. Rey focuses on the papers before her refusing to make eye contact. Sighing I make my way to the front door opening it. Chewie smiles down at me but it doesn't meet his eyes and that dread sets in once again.

"We can talk in my study," I mutter and move aside to allow him to step inside. Shutting the door behind him, he says a quick hello to Rey and follows me inside the room.

Chewie sinks down onto the love sofa threading his fingers in front of him-he stares at me warily-I in return lean against my desk folding my arms across my chest.

"What's going on?" I inquire.

Chewie inhales on a sharp breath releasing it shakily, "Now that you're in a better state of mind I think it is time to tell you about something I overheard Elizabeth say a few days before she left."

My brows stitch together unsure of what he is getting at, "Go on."

"There is a reason I didn't mention any of this before. The things she said are not easy to repeat and they are definitely not easy to hear so please just do your best to remain calm."

"You're making me anxious," I growl thrusting my fingers through my hair and bite down on my lip.

He apologizes and continues, "I was walking past the kitchen on my way to check on you when something she said caught my attention. She had called you a monster, whoever she was talking to she told them just the sight of you had begun to disgust her. Not only had you become disfigured but your attitude wasn't helping. If you hadn’t been such an ass then it would have been possible to stick around for the money but she was at her limit with you. She couldn't stand the scar on your face-afraid that if you tried to kiss her-she feared she would vomit. The scars on your back were horrifying and she hated putting the cream on them-hating the touch of how much they were raised where there once was smooth skin. Your hand…" He trailed off and I was barely holding myself together. My throat had closed in and tears were prepared to fall against my will.

Breathing harshly Chewie finished telling me what Elizabeth said behind my back, "She would have preferred your hand…to not be there rather than have to see the scars that marred it-the angry burns that made her sick to her stomach. She regretted meeting you…she was not as close to Carter as she had led you to believe. She heard you came from wealth but at the time she was too wrapped up in personal bullshit that she waited for you to achieve fame-then she sought you out at the museum. As time went on she realized you loved your work and though she hated that part of you. You were rich and that made her stay with you. You weren't her type, if you had been poor she never would have chased after you. Your love for your work irritated her to the point she was happy you crashed and lashed out at her. It made it easier for her to leave even though she would miss the money…I know I should have said something then but I couldn't bear the thought of telling you all this and pushing you into even deeper despair…"

My heart was beating so hard, blood roaring in my ears, and there is a loud noise-I'm horrified when I realize it is me yelling so loud-broken and humiliated.

"That fucking cunt! That fucking _whore_!" I rage slamming my palm against the desk somehow my sub-conscious knows not to hurt myself.

I'm yelling obscenities, tears race down my face, and I can't stop the animalistic sounds escaping me. Chewie yanks me into his arms, "Why would she do this to me," sobbing I cling to him, "Did I _deserve_ that?"

"Dear god no, Ben. You didn't deserve anything that has happened to you."

Whimpering I let myself feel this sorrow and step back from the ledge that tempted me to jump into its deep depths.

Chewie's warmth and the thought of hazel eyes calm me down.

"Thank you for telling me," I mutter.

"I'm sorry, kid. I'm so damn sorry."

"I'll be okay."

"I know, Ben. I know."

Chewie lets go of me and I wipe the tears off my face knowing they are rimmed in red. Finding the courage I enter back into the kitchen with Chewie trailing close behind. Rey smiles warmly at us and offers us tuna sandwiches not once commenting on the noise she no doubt heard. I breathe a sigh of relief and dig into the sandwich thankful that Rey is in my life.

What scared me most was the thought of her leaving…

What the hell was I going to do without her…?

* * *

 

Present

Seeing Elizabeth again was not something Ben had ever wanted to imagine. Especially not days after Chewie had told him the truth about her. The scars he bared were ones from making the right choice. A child's life was at stake, he knew what he had to do and even though he became broken that didn't mean he regretted his decision.

Ben had never known the magnitude of her disgust for him due to his injuries. Chewie saying those cruel words had made him sick- incapable of holding back the tears. Once she admitted the truth to his face his blood ran cold, the bitch was heartless. The movement out of his peripheral-sudden and alarming- leaped over him leaving him speechless.

He watched Rey's arm cocking back and flying straight into Elizabeth's nose. The moment Elizabeth registered what was happening she had no chance to defend herself. Needless to say Ben reacted like a deer caught in the headlights, paralyzed and immobile.

A person yelling that the cops were on the way snapped him back into action. Wrapping an arm around Rey's slim waist, he hoisted her off effortlessly. The hellcat clawed at his jacket unable to touch vulnerable skin thanks to the material. His hand moved on its own enveloping her neck in a light hold pulling her up against him. The whimper that fluttered from her sent all the blood in his head rushing elsewhere.

Arriving back home he found his way to the refrigerator taking a corona out and chugged the whole thing down in one go. Grabbing another he padded into the living room getting comfortable on the couch. Resting his arm across the top of the headrest he waited impatiently for Rey to arrive home. In his haste, he didn't even think twice about offering to drive her home. She seemed a bit tipsy and now he couldn't stop worrying about her. Thankfully, she arrived home only moments later finding him immediately.

"Hey," she murmured, shyly pushing a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. The dress she wore molded to her generous curves, an emerald number that brought out the green in her eyes. The black heels she wore made her legs seem like they went on for days, golden and enticing.

"Hey, glad you made it home safe. I'm sorry I didn't offer to drive you home."

She waved her hand, "It's totally fine. I was good to drive."

He studied her face dreading the day he would never be able to look upon her again. Soon enough Rey's services wouldn't be necessary- he would be capable of taking care of himself. The thought of losing her hurt him more than he cared to admit. Falling in love with her was not in the cards and yet he couldn't stop himself. Soon enough he realized it would be inevitable, Rey with her feisty spirit and driven personality would have any sensible man wrapped around her finger in a heartbeat.

Lifting the corona to his pursed lips he took a hefty chug before speaking, "Really, that was a dick move on my part. Forgive me?"

Rey's lips quirk at the sides, "Sure. I'll forgive you," she teases sticking her tongue out for added effect stepping closer to where he sits. Leather jacket abandoned along with the black t-shirt underneath it. Rey had already seen him butt-naked plenty of times so there was no shame he felt whenever he was baring some part of his body to her.

Hazel eyes meet his stealing his breath with the way they burn- an intensity he has never seen in them before. Ben exhaled harshly; clutching his beer tighter he shifted dark orbs up and down taking in every gorgeous inch of her. Setting her purse down Rey stands in front of Ben's parted thighs. His heart picked up speed when she propped one knee on the couch next to his thigh the other mirrored itself. She hovered over him for a tantalizingly moment settling down on his lap placing her palms on his shoulders.

His body tensed up, watching the material of her dress hitch up high on her thighs. Feeling the warmth that radiated from the spot between her thighs created a violent need to build up inside him.

"She doesn't know what she's talking about," Rey tenderly said smoothing her hands along the wide expanse of his shoulders. His breaths were coming out more and more unsteady, fingertips trailed along the scar on his right pec following the trail up to his neck, and suddenly she was leaning in- the tip of her nose running over the path of the scar.  Groaning, he can hardly get in a full breath of much-needed oxygen.

"This scar is breathtakingly beautiful," she whispers against his skin. He has no control of the way his entire body shudders at the brief contact, "Your hand is not disgusting at all and just for your information _I_ wouldn't mind one bit if you touch me."

His breath hitches, becoming ragged with each and every passing beat hardly able to control himself.

"I hate how much I want you," Rey confesses plush lips drawing closer to his.

"Rey," he murmurs, "You shouldn't have driven home. That wasn't smart."

"I know but I needed to see you. I had to tell you the truth and that is you are absolutely _stunning_."

His dark eyes flit between her own, lips so close that he can feel the tiny wisps of air escaping them.

"Thank you."

She flushes a pretty color that has him smiling so much it hurts, "So pretty," he rumbles reaching up to stroke her jaw with his thumb. She leans into the touch warming his cold heart.

"Damn it, I really am drunk," she whispers against his lips.

"You're a bad girl, Rey. Promise me you won't do something that irresponsible again?" His heart races, their breaths mingle together, and his head is growing foggy.

" _I promise_."

"You should get some sleep." He moves his lips from hers pressing a kiss to the underside of her jaw reveling in the way she keens into him. Still, he gathers his bearings and gently grasps onto her waist hoisting her off of him.

"You're mean," she murmurs sleepily eyes falling closed. It only takes a couple seconds for her to pass out and snore ever-so-softly. Ben takes the moment to admire just how gorgeous she truly was. From her chestnut hair that falls in waves around her face, to the freckles that span along almost every inch of exposed skin-it makes him curious if she has them in other places-shaking the thought away he lifts her into his arms with ease.

Cradling her to him he begins the journey up to her room, pushing the slightly opened door with his shoulder he lays Rey down gently onto her bed. Unclasping her heels he puts them off to the side of the bed, tugging the covers down with a little trouble due to Rey sleeping on them he eventually maneuvers them down and places them over her.

"Goodnight my little hellcat."

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO
> 
> Tumblr: [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)
> 
>  
> 
> Spotify: [Here](https://open.spotify.com/user/irishtori1/playlist/3OHaR7XUegstbTMCDvpU0G?si=DJ2e5j0wTCK_YBDxLmh_WQ)


	12. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you must wait  
> Wait for them here in my arms as I shake  
> If you must weep  
> Do it right here in my bed as I sleep  
> If you must mourn my love  
> Mourn with the moon and the stars up above  
> If you must mourn , don't do it alone  
> If you must leave  
> Leave as though fire burns under your feet  
> If you must speak  
> Speak every word as though it were unique  
> If you must die, sweetheart  
> Die knowing your life was my life's best part  
> If you must die  
> Remember your life."  
> -Keaton Henson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a short chapter!
> 
> Also, once again first part is in first POV (Rey's turn). 
> 
> Thank you to all my fabulous readers <3
> 
> Much love <3
> 
>  

Rey

Age: 13

 The kick to my side stings, pain radiates through my spine, and still, I manage to block the punch being thrown towards my jaw. Catching their hand I bend it back and watch as my opponent winces trying to figure out their next move that doesn't come quick enough. Sweeping her feet out from underneath her face to the mat now, arm twisted behind her back the ability to fight back completely drained out of her.

"That's enough, Rey."

Obeying, I allow the girl to get up. She throws a glare my way and takes her place back in the line-up. Obi-Wan dismisses the class, all twenty of us bow in unison, and people begin to trickle out. Of course, I stay to clean up. Sweeping, mopping, putting all the equipment back is part of my duties to be allowed to train with Obi-Wan without having to pay a fee.

 When I wound up here a couple of years I had been so intrigued by the fluidness of the fighters and their teacher who commanded them. Obi-Wan saw the flare of interest in my eyes and decided to take me under his wing once he saw how quick of a learner I was. The only reason I was allowed to train here with the permission of my foster mom was due to me remaining to achieve good grades.

Finishing up my chores, it is like clockwork when Hux shows up smiling boldly at me with his crooked teeth. The smile is endearing though and never fails to warm me from the inside out. Rushing over to him I throw my arms around his neck treasuring the chuckle that vibrates through his chest. He twirls me around before setting me back on solid ground.

"Hi," I mutter shyly.

He presses a kiss to my cheek, "Hey, beautiful."

"Young lovebirds please come out of the cold. I don't want you two to freeze to death under my watch," Kenobi grunts ushering us inside. We are directed upstairs to where his apartment is attached. He pours us both a cup of hot chocolate and places cookies in front of us which we both dive into.

Hux smiles a chocolaty grin, "She's one hell of a fighter right?"

I beam at Hux, jutting my chest out proudly, "It's all thanks to you Sensei."

Kenobi scoffs, "I'm only here to direct you. It is always up to my students to decide whether they want to work hard to achieve their goals. You, my dear, are one tough cookie."

I roll my eyes, "You're too humble Sensei. We both know I'd be nothing without you."

"That is not true," he sternly says, starling both Hux and I. He continues, "You will never be "nothing" in this world. Rey, you are my most promising student and you are merely thirteen. You have so much passion it rivals the sun and I know that someday you will help people. I have a strong feeling that you are destined to do great things."

I blush profoundly, biting into my cookie trying to shield my face from both Hux and Kenobi, "Thank you…"

"It's the truth," Hux chimes in, "Rey, you will definitely be someone who helps people. It's in your blood to do that. Still, whatever you choose to do in this life it will be magnificent."

"You both are too nice to me. I guess I do need you both to keep feeding my ego," I murmur and receive a hearty laugh from both of the men that give me a purpose in this life.

The love I have for them triumphs the love I've felt for anything in this world.

I would be _nothing_ without them.

* * *

 

Age 15

The tears refuse to stop while Hux's coffin lowers into the grave.

Rose stands solemn, dark shades cover her eyes. Our foster mom sobs, a man holds her close. The entire orphanage is here, some sniffle as others remain silent.

No one knew Hux such as I did though.

They _didn't_ know the shape of his chest and how his sternum was so prominent that it sometimes hurt to lay against.

They _didn't_ know how beautiful and strange his laugh was when I made him laugh so hard he let out weird sounds that I couldn't even start to describe.

They _didn't_ know the way just being in his arms made me feel safe and warm.

They _didn't_ know the feel of his lips.

They _didn't_ know how bright his eyes were under the sun.

They _didn't_ know how big his heart was and how he loved with abandon.

They _didn't_ know I _didn't_ know how to live without him.

I stumble forward, the shift of attention landing on me.

"Don't leave me," I whisper. The men have begun to pour the dirt over the casket, "Don't leave me, Hux! _Please_!" I'm begging and someone picks me up but I fight against them.

"I need you, Hux! Please! I'm _nothing_ without you!"

"Rey, it's going to be okay," the voice trembles by my ear.

I manage to break their hold and I run.

I run because without Hux there is no time, there is no direction, there is no love.

There is no **_me_**.

* * *

 

Present

"Hux! Please!" She screams into the room and thrashes on her bed. Sweat beads to her temple and she's pleading for him to come back to her. Suddenly she's being shaken away- startled- her eyes shoot open meeting concerned pools of black.

"Rey, you're having a nightmare," Ben whispers pushing the strands of hair that had matted to her forehead away.

Her heart is pounding, she clutches Ben's wrist relishing the way his hands are cold against her fevered skin.

"Ben, I didn't drive home. I ordered a taxi," she murmurs remembering that small detail.

She hears him let out a whoosh of air, "Wise decision. I really was worried."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I'm just glad you made it home safe," he searches her eyes, "Who's Hux?"

Her gut coils, forcing a smile on her face she shakes her head, "He was a friend from my past."

"You kept screaming for him seems like he was more than a friend."

Meeting Ben's eyes she sees no signs of jealousy just curiosity. Perhaps it is time to tell him more about herself.

"He was also an orphan. We were raised in the same orphanage and we were best friends. Eventually, that friendship bloomed into something more. We started dating and I was happy. Things were easy with Hux. We shared the same interests, same goals, and desires to succeed in life. He believed in me and supported my dreams. He loved me…and I loved him. When we were fifteen we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Someone robbed us and then demanded to take me with them. I had no doubt they planned to do horrible things to me so I fought them. These guys were full grown men and I only got a couple punches in before I was knocked to the ground. Everything happened so fast…one minute I was lying on the ground trying to return to help Hux and the next there were gunshots. They shot Hux…and he died in my arms. After that, I was a mess. I didn't know how to cope with losing someone I loved.

"With the help of my Obi-Wan, I managed to keep pushing forward. It was difficult to move on but eventually, I could only think about all the things I shared with Hux and knew that even though he was gone it didn't mean he would ever be gone from my thoughts nor my heart."

Ben stays quiet, processing the information that she has bestowed on him. His dark eyes meet hers and she is taken aback by the emotion emitting in them.

"You are so unbelievably strong Rey. I honestly don't know how you can be this strong even after all that has happened to you. I'm so sorry about Hux…that is just terrible. Did those guys get convicted?"

Tears stroll down her cheeks, nodding she gives him a watery smile, "Yes, thankfully they are all still behind bars."

"Good," he growls, "Or else I'd have to find them all and put them six feet under myself."

His gaze had darkened significantly, the comment rang true, and she couldn't deny that his vehemence made her think of him as a dark protector. An anti-hero of some sort that even to the audience's dismay they couldn't stop themselves from being drawn to him. He had rage burning through his veins and struggled with expressing his emotions appropriately-he was a mess at times and hard to handle-still Rey cared for him.

Unfortunately, she had to leave. She already arranged to move-in with Finn for a short period of time once she was on her feet. Rey had been offered the position to be the physical therapist for the clinic not too far from Ben's palace. Ben was healing and in reality, he didn't need her help anymore.

"I have to go," she exhaled reaching out for him. Her hand cupped his jaw and she watched as his dark pools grew sad.

"I know," he muttered, lifting his chin to gaze straight into her eyes, "I figured it was only a matter of time now that my hand is better."

"I've been offered the position to be the physical therapist for the clinic I mentioned."

He smiled but it didn't even try to meet his eyes, "Congratulations. I knew you'd get it without fail."

"Ben, you're going to paint again. You know that right?"

Nodding his head he let out a mirthless laugh, "Yes, Rey, I understand that soon enough I'll be painting and that is fine but," pausing he let out a hard breath like he got punched in the gut, "But that's not I want anymore. I want you."

Her hand fell from his face, "Ben, _please_. I _can't_."

She saw his Adam's apple bob, worrying his lip he nodded. She didn't miss the way tears welled up in his eyes before he talked-voice choked up, "Okay, I understand."

Standing quickly to his feet he turned away from her, "I'm really sorry about your friend…I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight."

Rey felt horrible watching him exit the room. Closing her eyes she allowed the tears to fall freely.

* * *

 

"Too bright," Rey groans rolling to her side yanking the covers over her head. She woke up with a crushing headache and the blinding light streaming through the parted curtain was not helping.

Her hand ached even more than her head and looking down she noticed it was bruised, scraped little bits of blood stained there. She could remember punching Elizabeth after the cruel things she said to Ben and talking to the cop. It had been as if she sobered up-pulling herself together-for that one moment before returning to a drunken stupor. She was thankful that she had actually taken a cab home. Hopefully, her car would still be at the bar but that was a problem she would handle later.

Suddenly, the memory of whispering things against Ben's lips whilst sitting on his lap assaults her. Heat spans the length of her body, curling into a ball she lets herself die of embarrassment. In the middle of the night, he woke her from the nightmare she was having and even then she had totally forgotten she had done those things.

Of course, she had been somewhat intoxicated still as she confessed what happened to Hux and told him she had to leave. Her heart clenched at the memory of the tears in his eyes. Heaving a sigh she forces herself out of bed, showering off the night before. She brushed her teeth, her mouth had felt like a party went on inside it and it felt amazing to clean it from that feeling.

Throwing jean shorts and a white blouse on she gathered her courage and began her descent to the kitchen finding a pot of fresh coffee still set to warm. Her lips quirk into a smile and pour herself a cup venturing around the house not missing the way it was so quiet. Usually, that meant he was either in his room or outside…swimming.

She does wind up finding him outside, swimming the length of the pool with powerful strides. His long arms an advantage that propelled him swiftly to reach either end in a matter of seconds. Sitting down at the edge of the pool she dips her feet in, leaning her elbows on her knees sipping her coffee. Over the course of a couple months, she had seen Ben at his worst and now he was getting better with each passing day. The Ben Solo he had morphed into had her insides go soft and the desire to be with him in every single way roared to life.

She would be graduating only a week from today. Ben had healed to the point he could fend for himself and that meant it was time for her to leave. Rey had fallen for him. It was never supposed to happen but it did. If she stayed then she may never want to leave. Still, tomorrow she would be gone. Living with Finn until she made enough money to find her own place.

She had already told Leia she couldn't accept the money giving all the checks she had been given back. Leia insisted that she keep it, shocked by Rey's refusal, and Rey could see Leia smile almost sadly when Rey said with finality that she would not accept the money. Rey couldn't confess her reasons behind this conclusion but with the way Leia gazed at her-she had a feeling she already understood the situation.

"How long you've been sitting there?" Ben's husky voice asks. Snapping her attention to him he approaches her from where he stood in the shallow end. The sun bounces off all his pale skin accenting the constellation of freckles that span over the length of his exposed skin. Droplets of water grasp her attention forcing her eyes to follow them from the planes of his broad chest down to stacked abs, lower to the cut of his hips, and back up to the thin trail of black hair directing her to a place that dares her to touch.

She is startled out of thoughts when his wet body maneuvers itself between her open legs spreading them wider to accommodate his mass. His palms land by her thighs, dark eyes so close her breath stutters and they flit to her lips watching with curiosity dancing in them.

"You don't know what I'd give to get a glimpse into your thoughts," he professed. Her heart hammered, jerking her gaze away from his trying to ignore the tingling feeling pulsing between her thighs-all due to his proximity and massive body caging her in.

Her breath hitches the moment the tip of his nose begins to glide along the expanse of her jaw.

"You drive me crazy." His tone is laced with defeat and she mourns the loss of his body when he uses the stairs to step out of the water.

"Ben," she hesitates, wobbling to her feet to follow him inside.

Following him up the stairs to his room she realizes he doesn't care if she is behind him. Entering his bathroom he starts up the shower and strips himself of his boxers. The coffee in Rey's cup sloshes over the edge and that's her cue to set the darn thing down. The freckles that spot his toned ass have Rey's blood heating and she swallows harshly when the water races down his body leaving nothing to the imagination through the glass screen.

"If you have something to say then get it over with," Ben quips grabbing a washcloth that he douses in body-wash. Once he begins to lather it over himself she moves closer to the shower.

"There's a reason I have to hold myself back, Ben. I have to do what I need to do before I dive into a relationship."

"I already understand this, Rey. Haven't we gone over this a million fucking times?" He growls losing his temper.

Rey doesn't get mad at his cruel tone, she is highly aware of why he is lashing out, and he has the right to that feeling. He's afraid. She can practically feel it rolling off of him, a thick tension that tightens his strong shoulders, spine rigid, and scars growing taut with his efforts to relax.

She should feel strange having a conversation with him when he is completely nude and then again it feels so natural. This was nothing new and still, each time this circumstance happened she found herself being embarrassed. Palms going clammy, cheeks ablaze, and her stomach had decided to start doing back-flips.

"I don't want to lose you, Ben," she said softly.

The shower turned off abruptly, stepping out he tore a towel off the rack closest to him and toweled off before wrapping it around his hips covering up. She breathed shakily, heart jack-hammering at his towering form moving towards her. His jaw set stubbornly, brows stitched together, and all she could do was blink, gasping when he stood right in front of her.

"You keep pushing me away, Rey. What am I supposed to do? I want you to live your dreams and you are going to do just that. I don't want to hold you back even though I want to be with you every minute of every fucking day so _fucking_ badly.

"Then you say these things or look at me with this intensity that leaves me confused. I have to respect your decisions and I can't force you to be with me. You have to do what is right for you and I already know that isn't staying here with me. You deserve a guy that is so much better than I could ever hope to be. Someday I hope I'm worthy of you, Rey. I really do. Just know that everything you have done for me will never be forgotten."

A sob escapes her, "I have never met someone like you."

With a wobbly smile he gazes deep into her eyes, "And I hope you never have to deal with someone like me ever again."

Tears have begun to stream down her cheeks, "You don't even know just how truly magnificent you are, Ben Solo."

She reaches out to him; his chest is warm and sturdy beneath her hand.

"This isn't goodbye, Rey. I'm going to prove to you that I'm the man for you. Just give me time."

She doesn't hesitate to cup the back of his neck dragging his lips closer to hers, his hands clasp onto the counter caging her in, "Just give me time too," she whispers against his mouth.

"I'll give you all the time you desire, princess," he pants, chest rising and falling hard.

Her lips pressed lightly against his, barely even a kiss, but the spark she saw in his eyes gave away that even this contact was making him feel something. Pulling away she watched his eyes darken before he closed the space between them once more, letting out a deep growl that sent shivers down her spine.

His hand curled into the back of her hair, lips moving tantalizing slow against each other. His other hand found purchase on her hip pressing his form against her own. That had her leaning in, moaning into his mouth, eyes screwed tight. He groaned when she swept her tongue inside, running it teasingly over his. Her body awakens at his touch, throbbing, and pulsating with a need that has her growing dizzy.

Getting a grip on themselves, their lips pull away, harsh breaths mingling together.

"You should go," he murmurs, fist tightening in her hair.

"I'll see you soon."

A small smile creeps on his lips, "Yeah, I'll see you soon."

She leaves and feels her heartbreak.

This was for the best.

But only for now…

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to my tumblrrrr
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Also, this is the link to my goodreads account! I have read a hell of a lot more books than fifty, trust me. I'm in the process of adding more lol
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/43546434-spike)


	13. Taking You There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I lose my way and forget what I need  
> Just remind me now of what you give to me  
> If you hold my hand and take me where you go  
> I'll show you the side that no one knows."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way too long to post and I apologize for that!!
> 
> I thank each and every one of you for continuing this journey with me <3
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Much love <3
> 
> Ben's Tattoo ;)  
> [Here](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/707557791426047966/)
> 
>  
> 
> Also in my moodboard, the Rey and Kylo picture I found on instagram. If the original artist would like me to take it down I totally understand! I'm just unsure who they are. I wasn't able to make out what the signature read. So, if anyone does know please inform me!  
> <3

 

Ben

Lucky purrs in my arms as I stroke her thick fur. It was crazy how big she had gotten in the past few months. No longer the little scrap of fur barely hanging onto life. She had now grown into a cat that could kick some serious ass and surprisingly she loved to swim. To say the least, after drowning once I thought she'd be scared, yet as always, she proved me wrong.

I can't blame her though for wanting to swim. Swimming is one of the hobbies I've obtained that keeps me level-headed and if I wasn't so worried about her drowning- _again_ -I would let her swim in the pool to her heart's delight.

Thankfully, she has settled for baths. I allow her to swim under my protective watch. She has a blast and is safe which is what matters most to me.

Sighing I let my mind wander to hazel eyes and pretty pink lips. Rey left roughly two weeks and we hadn’t seen each other since. We still kept in contact through text but it's nothing like having her face to face, hearing her contagious laugh, memorizing every inch of her, and feeling her touch.

She could have left me in the dust but she didn't. Rey wanted to take things slow between us, start as friends, and perhaps work our way up to something more. I already understood my feelings for her. They would never solely lie in the friendship category. There would always be a need that only she can fulfill- no one could ever measure up to Rey. Even though that knowledge scared me, I refused to let it turn me into a coward. I love Rey and without her, in my life, there would be a void in my heart that could never be filled. Rey had become the world to me and I was terrified to lose her.

If she were to have us remain, friends, I'm not exactly sure how I would end up handling that situation. To see her fall in love with somebody else would kill me fucking way too deep inside. Knowing me I'd spiral back into my depression and allow myself to become completely estranged from the real world-once again becoming a hermit.

Still, if she doesn't want to be more than friends I'm going to have to find a way to live with that knowledge because when it comes down to it I would rather have her in my life as a friend rather than not have her in my life at all.

Since she has been gone I've actually sat down and begun to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I've been able to do a couple simple paintings, yet, at the end of each time, my hand is super tender to the point I have to ice it and apply a bit of heat as well.

In time I'll be able to paint at full potential but for now, I need to do something to give my life some kind of meaning,  _a purpose._

The mansion had become cold and daunting. Much too large for my tastes these days due to me no longer having to please a woman that only had wanted me for the trivial things in life.

I had been thinking about selling it for a long time now and yet there was a nagging feeling that kept telling me not to. It hit me out of nowhere one day that this place could become the home for people who needed it much more than I did.

In the end, I knew exactly what I would do.

* * *

 

"That's it, nice and easy," Rey says as her patient holds tight to the bars on each side of him taking uneasy steps forward.

He reaches the end releasing a large huff of air, "This shit is killer," he grumbles allowing Rey to help him back in his wheelchair.

"You're doing amazing, Coy. All your hard work has paid off and you'll be up on your feet running around the field in no time."

A charming smile flashed her way, blue eyes scanned her, "You always know what to say to cheer me up doc. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Rey wasn't blind. Coy was highly attractive, blond hair that was cropped short, big blue eyes that demanded your attention with a strong jaw cut to perfection. That still didn't mean he was her type. Blushing at the thought of what actually was her type-a certain tall, dark, and beyond handsome man that she totally forgot would be meeting her any second.

She rolled Coy out of the room into the waiting room and just as she was thinking of him. Ben strode in, ebony locks styled, shades covering the dark eyes she couldn't get enough of, and as always the cut of his shoulders-broad and thick had a wetness pooling between her thighs. The shirt he wore wasn't helping either, a black button up that hugged his burly biceps, rolled up to his elbows revealing the brawny muscle where veins stood prominently against the pale skin. Blue jeans gripped strong thighs, those trademark combat boots he couldn’t seem to get enough of adorning his feet.

She didn't miss the way Coy's smile fell once his gaze landed on Ben. Eyes widening slightly at Ben's massive form evading the space. Ben removed the shades off his face; familiar pools of black studied her for a moment before his mouth quirked at the side.

"Hey, am I too early?" Ben huskily asked sending sparks straight to her core. He flicked his gaze to Coy who cowered noticeably.

She waved her hand in the air, "Nope. We were just finishing up," turning back to Coy she gave him a warm smile, "I shall see you next week. You're doing so great and I can't wait to keep making progress with you."

Coy nodded, a meek smile upon his face, "Thanks again, Rey. See you next week."

He rolled over to where an older woman sat and they exited together.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, Rey blushed under Ben's heated gaze, "I just need to sign out and grab my stuff."

"I can wait."

She signed out faster than the flash and grabbed her stuff meeting up outside with Ben who leaned against the building, arms crossed over his wide chest while he observed the swaying trees.

"Ready to go?" She piped up tearing him from whatever was going on inside his head.

He turned to face her, "Yup, the shop isn't too far from here."

They fell in line with each other, walking towards the tattoo parlor. It had been a month since she has seen Ben and yet it feels like they just saw each other yesterday. An easy silence fell between them and somehow it didn't feel strange at all. She couldn't lie, Ben had only gotten more attractive, the things she had imagined doing with him in the past ten minutes were a far cry from innocent.

 She was the one that wanted to be friends for the time being and now it was proving to be more difficult than she had imagined it to be. When Ben called her yesterday asking if she would accompany him while he got his first tattoo she had been a bit shocked. He had never struck her as the type to want tattoos. She didn't hesitate in agreeing to join him. She missed him and getting the chance to see him again was not one she could pass up.

"So, what exactly are you getting?" She questioned peering over at him, dark shades covering his eyes once again.

"I'm going to get a dragon on my right shoulder-blade, cover up some of the scars. The artist who will be doing the tattoo specializes in this kind of thing. She can make it seem like there isn't even a scar under the ink in the first place. We met up a few days ago and she was more than happy to do my own drawing. She traced over it and I booked the appointment for today instead in the hopes you would be there with me," he paused stopping and turning Rey to face him, leaning in, he murmured in that husky voice of his, it caused a shudder to run through her, "Thanks again for coming with me."

"Anytime," she whispered lamely unable to say much more.

His lips kicked up at the side, "We're almost there."

Her heart stuttered, nodding they continued their journey, arriving at the shop a short time later. The small space is quaint and homey as she steps inside Ben following close behind her. A fully tattooed woman sat at the front desk sketching, her blue hair falling in her face. She perked up when they got closer; a piercing punctured her lip and eyebrow.

"Ben, so good to see you," the woman said almost breathlessly. Rey guessed that she wasn't the only one who was affected by Ben's intoxicating presence.

"Good to see you too, Lana."

Lana jumped off the stool she sat upon directing Ben to follow her. He obliged and Rey reluctantly did too.

"Get comfortable and lose the shirt," she said with a wink not seeming to care if Rey was Ben's girlfriend or not.

Rey tried to not let Lana's flirtatious nature get to her, however, it was hard not to when the petite woman was a bombshell. All the tattoos and piercings made her even more drop-dead gorgeous. Plus, Ben was a free man, he wasn't in an exclusive relationship with her, and that meant if he really wanted to do anything with Lana he could. The thought heated Rey's blood in an unfamiliar way and she realized her hands were balled into fists.

 _She was jealous_.

 _Extremely jealous_.

Ben began to unbutton his shirt; both women watching intently as more skin became exposed. Rey wanted to shout at Lana to stop staring but that would only make her a hypocrite. Shrugging his shirt off Ben placed it off to the side, assuming the position in the chair back facing them. Rey scanned the large expanse hungrily, obsessed with his stocky trap muscles, the scars did nothing but enhance how beautiful his back was. Now a tattoo would stand against the skin and she knew that would only make her want to bow at his feet begging for him to just take her.

Lana pulled on gloves, setting up her colors, and tested her machine. At least she was a professional Rey thought trying to force the jealousy bubbling in her chest down. Lana picked up a tattoo stencil, angling it precisely over his right shoulder blade pressing down gently before removing it. Rey became speechless at the drawing about to be forever on his body. It was of a dragon- a magnificent one- hovering before a cliff where a woman stood pressing what seemed to be her lips against the dragons' snout. Rey could not  _wait_ to see what color provided.

"Alright, are you ready?" Lana asked moving in behind him.

Ben nodded, "Sure am, ma'am."

"Good, here we go." Dipping the needle in ink she began to fill in the tattoo with slow, meticulous motions.

"So, I see that you’ve begun to draw again." Lana struck up a conversation right away with Ben and Rey was confused at the familiarity of the question.

"Yup. My hand is doing a hell of a lot better thanks to Rey and I’ve slowly begun to start sketching. This idea came out of nowhere and I couldn’t stop it. Also, been reading a lot of books lately that are helping me expand on my art.”

Lana smirked, "Wow, that’s awesome, Ben. You’ve always been so talented and extremely handsome.”

Rey crossed her arms over her chest, taking a seat to try to relax. The flirting had begun to grind on Rey's nerves. She had to calm herself down before she went ape-shit on the woman's ass.

"I'm hardly any of those, but I appreciate the sentiment."

Lana scoffed, "A woman would have to be blind not to notice how attractive you are. You should give yourself more credit."

"How long have you been tattooing?" Rey chimes in unable to listen to them any longer.

Lana doesn't hesitate in answering, "For about fifteen years now. I started in high school on anyone who was willing to let me attack them with a needle for free. My friends would always get stoned or drunk and agree. The tattoos weren't the worst but definitely done with a shaky hand due to how nervous I was. Now, it all comes so easily and I've learned how to bend my craft to my will and help people."

"Geez, that's a really long time. You're really talented."

"Thank you, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a physical therapist."

"Awesome! So, you and I both enjoy helping others."

Rey smiled and it actually met her eyes, "Yes, that is very true. It's amazing what you do for people."

"Scars are nothing to be ashamed of but everyone has their reason and the right to it. I'm extremely grateful to be able to do what I do. So, you've been giving me the death stare girly, is he your man or something?"

Well, that was a blindside. Rey blushed from head to toe, Lana's blunt nature should have been expected and yet she was still not prepared for that onslaught. Rey turned her gaze onto Ben, noticing that his jaw was clenched, jet-black eyes laser focus on the floor as he leaned on strong forearms.

"We're friends," Rey muttered weakly not missing the way Ben's leg slightly bounced up and down before halting. Most likely not wanting to cause Lana to accidentally mess up due to too much motion.

"Friends? Sure," Lana scoffed shaking her head, hand remaining steady.

"You didn't seem to have a problem with flirting with him so I'm sure you figured him and I wasn't together." Rey sunk even more into her chair wishing she could just run out the door. The thought of hurting Ben made her stay rooted in the spot.

Lana stopped tattooing, straightening in her seat while turning cold blue eyes to her, "I could tell that he is madly in love with you and you're acting like you don't feel the same."

"You don't know anything," Rey snapped, hating the way her blood heated, too much adrenaline beginning to pump in her veins. Who did this bitch think she was anyway? She was some stranger and that made her blood boil even more.

"Rey, I have a confession to make," Ben cut in, sighing he leaned his left cheek onto the back of his hands, a puppy-dog look on his face, "I've known Lana since we were kids."

Shocked, Rey darting her eyes between them, "You've never mentioned her.”

"We had a bit of a falling out but recently we rekindled our friendship. She's always been a little over-protective when it comes to girls," he muttered facing away from her again.

Lana laughed mirthlessly, pinning Rey with a cruel stare, "That's because girls were absolute bitches to him. They taunted him, acted as if they liked him only to have him beat up by eight guys who were on the football team. He was able to fight them off for a decent amount of time but they got the upper hand. He wound up in the hospital for a week. Then Elizabeth comes along and only likes him for his fucking money, now you who acts like this man wouldn't die for you."

"Enough Lana," Ben growls, "Focus on the fucking tattoo and stop running your mouth."

Lana snaps her mouth shut, still remaining professional instead of jabbing him with the needle. She continues her work on his back. Rey is almost surprised how quickly Lana was to obey Ben. Most people would keep talking but his demanding tone made her submissive. Rey wouldn't let him talk to her like that. She would have him in a chokehold in less than two seconds. Still, she couldn't deny his tone made her clench her thighs together.

Ben had been bullied as a child. She always thought that he would be the popular kid, making friends easily. Finding out he suffered the cruelty of others actions made her feel sick to her stomach. Thinking about it they hardly went into detail of his past. Somehow they had only managed to talk about hers. Feeling like a complete idiot she hung her head in shame.

"I guess we haven't really discussed much of what went on in your past."

"If I wanted to tell you I would have," Ben quipped and Rey felt her insides go tight.

"Don't be an ass," she hissed right back.

Releasing a deep breath, he apologizes, "It wasn't up to Lana to tell you those things. That was a personal part of my life and a shitty part at that. They all got time in jail and by the time they all got out I was three times their size. None of them tried to start shit with me after that. I'm sorry for being a dick but it's a touchy subject for me."

Softening, Rey decides to let it go, "I'm not like those girls, Lana. I care deeply for Ben."

"Then why aren't you two an item?" She kept her attention on finishing the tattoo.

"Would you let it go?" Ben said exasperatedly.

"You're wasting your time with a girl like her, Ben," Lana jabbed and Rey felt it like daggers in her back.

There was radio silence between all of them after that, the buzzing of the needle filling the air until finally, it stopped. Ben stood to his staggering height, allowing Lana to clean it off with some foam and paper towel. Handing him a mirror he walked over to the full-length mirror to admire it.

"Damn, you are fucking amazing, Lana," Ben declared, a broad smile lighting up his face.

Clapping her hands together, Lana squealed in delight, "I'm so happy! Still, it is your original drawing."

"And I couldn't have done it without you so thank you."

"Can I see?" Rey asked shyly. Ben didn't utter a word, turning so she could get a closer look.

In simple terms-it was bloody beautiful. It was a Japanese dragon, the spindly tail gave it away reminding her of the dragon from Spirited Away. The girl was indeed kissing the dragon a sword at her side showcasing her to be a warrior-the sun outlined them casting them as silhouettes, a shape of a heart seemed to be surrounding them created by the light. It wasn't shaded in with many colors-deep browns, black, and a bit of white-yet it came across better than a bunch of bright colors.

The tattoo suited him perfectly.

"Why this tattoo?" Rey found herself asking.

"The dragon loves the girl, he would do anything to protect her even though he understands she can easily defend herself. Still, he refuses to leave her side, without her he would cease to exist. She is the only reason he keeps fighting, stays alive for the sole purpose to serve her and her alone."

Ben's eyes do not waver from hers, his eyes darken, a fervid look sparkling in them. Rey comprehends immediately what he is saying…the dragon is him and she is the girl. Rey almost leaps up and kisses him, catching herself she breaks their intense stare-off.

"It's a lovely story."

Forcing herself to look up at him, she notices the way he flicks his gaze to her lips, she licks them instinctively.

"Alright, let me bandage that up and you're free to go. Though no sex. Not good for the tattoo."

Ben groaned, "Jesus Christ, Lana. You're on a roll today."

"Don't be a prude," she teased placing a sterile bandage over the tattoo taping it down with medical adhesive.

Grabbing his shirt, he buttoned it up with deft fingers and pulled out his wallet handing Lana a wad of cash.

"Thanks again, it turned out amazing." Leaning down Ben pressed a kiss against Lana's cheek and she forced an aftercare paper into his hands.

"You better be good to him," Lana barked at Rey.

"Trust me, he was no angel when I met him."

"That is true," Ben confirmed, "I was a bastard who deserved to get put in my place. Rey had no problem in doing that." He winked at her and she felt the familiar heat in her cheeks.

"Whatever, I'll see you two around I guess." Lana waved a dismissive hand in the air.

Ben and Rey exited the shop heading back to the clinic where they were parked. Ben leaned against his car avoiding contact with his shoulder, he studied her, and she grew jittery under the intensity of his stare.

"It was really good to see you, Rey."

Smiling, Rey felt her heart thump just a tad harder, "It was nice to see you too, Ben."

"I've been working on a project. When it's done I hope that you'll allow me to show you the finished product."

He looked so earnest that Rey felt herself gravitating towards him and she couldn't stop herself from standing on her tiptoes pressing a palm to his shoulder. Her lips connected with his and she felt his breath hitch against her mouth. She can feel his shoulder flex beneath the thin material of his button-up, then, he is kissing her back. Soft and oh so sweet, a tender moving of lips, his hand reaching up to cup her jaw angling her to kiss her deeper. The slip of his tongue against her bottom lip pulls a low moan from her that rips a growl out of him in return. Nipping her bottom lip he turns them, slamming her up against the car. A whoosh of air escapes her, the spot between her legs set aflame by the rough movement.

His mouth took hers in a heated kiss, bending at the knees, he grabbed behind her thighs lifting her with ease pressing himself firmly between her thighs, leaning her against the car he palms her ass. Planting his hard cock firmly against the spot that ached for him. He swiveled his muscular hips against her and she saw sparks behind her eyes. Thankfully the clinic closed at five or else the people inside would be getting quite a show.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, managing to not make contact with his fresh tattoo. Pulling him closer she lost herself in the wave of feeling crashing over her. Her entire body was alight with lust, demanding for him to touch every single inch of her. His tongue rolled against hers, a low groan escaping his chest. He dug his fingers into her ass and she found herself enjoying the slight pain that accompanied it.

Tearing his lips from hers, she only fell harder at the sight of him panting ever-so-slightly looking like he just won the damn lottery.

His voice is low and husky when he speaks, "You are everything to me, Rey.  _Please_ , just be mine. I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making up for my idiotic actions. I love you, so  _fucking_  much."

Tears formed at her eyes, pressing her lips back against his, she whispered against them, "I love you too, so  _fucking_  much and I can't _wait_  to see the project you've been working on."

He smiled gently, pressing his forehead against hers, "It's going to be a surprise though."

"I can live with that," she murmured and basked in his warmth.

Fighting her feelings would be entirely pointless.

Ben was the only one for her…

He was the love of her life.

Her dragon…

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO


	14. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "From moons above to the waters below  
> From what we fear we already know  
> My mind refuses to let you go  
> And I refuse to let you go, go."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm cruel. 
> 
> Love you all ;)
> 
> Much love <3

It had been a couple weeks since Rey and Ben made their relationship official. They had yet to go pass heavy petting and full-on make-out sessions but Rey wasn't going to complain when Ben was so tender with her. He was always pressing gentle kisses to her forehead and the apple of her cheek whilst saying sweet nothings in her ear time and time again.

Ben hadn't been lying when he said he was going to make up for all his idiotic actions. He had taken her to a spot where the stars twinkled and the moon smiled back at them. They had a moonlit dinner that he had packed in a lunch basket and also brought a telescope explaining what each constellation was. She couldn't get enough of his enthusiasm and they had ended up making out like a couple of teenagers for what felt like hours.

One time while he was painting her in nothing but lingerie things had gotten heated, he was panting against her lips, fingertips sliding down the smooth skin of her stomach, and she was sure he would slip his hand into her panties giving her the relief she so desired. Instead, he pulled off of her, clearing his throat, and making up some excuse before doing some touch-ups to the painting he did just for their eyes.

Since that time he had stopped things before they could go into uncharted territory and as much as Rey wanted to let it go-she couldn't. Now that he had changed his ways and become the person she knew he could be, she couldn't stop the desires that had always been there.

She wanted to feel his lips against hers while he fucked into her with all the power she knew he had. Feel that tongue of his working the bud between her thighs, drinking up all the sweet nectar that she would produce for him. His dark eyes on her while she did a strip-tease for him that had him on edge that he would slam into her from behind and dominate her the way she was desperate for him to do.

Letting out a sigh, Rey pushes down her wanton needs and gets ready to go to the mansion she hadn't been to since she left to continue her journey in life. She had been confused when he asked to only go to her little apartment for the past couple of weeks but he had just played it off as nothing she should be worried about.

The drive to the mansion had her in a fit of nerves, she gripped the steering wheel with clammy hands, and her heart picked up in speed when the gates came into view. Stopping at them she was taken off guard that there was a booth, a polite man sat inside. Rolling her window down she eyed him warily.

"Um, hi. I'm here to see Ben?"

He smiled warmly, "Name please."

"Rey."

Gazing down at a list, he nodded, "Yup, there you are. I will open the gate for you right now young lady."

"Thank you," she replied gripping the steering wheel even tighter now.

The grand gate opened for her and she drove into a spot noticing a few other cars were here as well. Stepping out of her beaten down car, she smoothed down her flowery summer dress and gathered her courage as she made her way up the familiar porch steps. The door was unlocked, pushing inside she was greeted by the sounds of laughter. Brows furrowing, she gazed over into the living room to see a few teenagers lounging watching some sci-fi movie. Moving further towards the kitchen she saw Ben, a large smile on his face while a small girl wiped flour off of his face.

A young woman was helping other children stir colored batter; the smell of cupcakes filled the air.

  _What the hell was going on?_ She wondered staring awe-struck at Ben.

Dark eyes moved to meet hers, his smile grew, and the little blonde-haired girl in his arms eyed her cautiously. Wrapping her arms around Ben's neck, she glared at Rey, and Rey suppressed a laugh behind her hand as Ben walked towards her.

"Rey, so good to see you," he murmured, "This lovely little lady is Krystal."

The blue-eyed girl clung tighter to Ben, he chuckled, "Krystal, you're going to choke the life out of me if you don't let up." He tickled her and she giggled entire face lighting up. Rey's heart overflowed with joy at how beautiful this moment was.

"Now, Krystal what do you say when we meet new people?"

Krystal bit down on her bottom lip not meeting Rey's gaze, "Nice to meet you," she mumbled her tiny voice laced with annoyance, little pale hand reaching out towards Rey.

"It's very nice to meet you too," Rey said smiling from ear to ear, her hand dwarfed Krystal's so she shook her fingers instead, and immediately Krystal pulled away placing that hand back on Ben's neck.

"So, I'm guessing you're pretty confused?" Ben remarked.

Rey laughed, "Of course I am, silly."

Ben's mouth quirked up at the sides, "It's a safe home for children. I worked on getting the rights to be able to turn this mansion into a place where children of all ages can be happy. I was able to expand on some of the rooms so they are freaking huge, enough for every child to not feel like they are evading each other's space. It's designed for privacy as well for boys and girls. Separate rooms and separate bathrooms. They have every game and toy they could possibly want and the backyard has a jungle gym now, the pool a fence around it, and is monitored by a lifeguard during the day hours. At night they aren't allowed in for safety purposes," he pauses taking in her watery hazel eyes, "I've done everything in my power to make this place feel like home."

Rey grasps to the spot where her heart is, sobs have begun to escape her, and she doesn't miss the concern on Krystal's perfect heart-shaped face.

" _Ben_ ," Rey whispers unable to find her voice.

"Don't cry, Miss. Rey," Krystal cries out reaching for her. Rey wraps her arms around the little girl and holds her close.

Her heart is so full knowing these little angels have a place where they can feel safe. This had been all she wanted when she was young. These kids would always be loved, always have a family, full bellies, warm beds, showers they could take on their own, a place to play, and be a child. Ben had done this out of the kindness of his heart just for her.

Gazing into his ebony eyes she knew she would be by his side even when they were old and grey.

He was her _everything_.

"Thank you," she choked out.

His large hand cupped the back of her head and he leaned in pressing a tender kiss to her forehead.

"It was an honor to do this. These kids have overcome difficult times and have shown me time and time again that life is too short to waste it being miserable. They show me what it takes to be strong. Some days I can't seem to let go of the past but each and every one of them show me that I have to keep living in the moment because the moment is so precious," his eyes wandered over her face and she knew he was talking about her, "I'd do anything for you, Rey."

She could only nod and Krystal pressed a kiss to her cheek before asking politely if she could back to helping the other kids make the cupcakes. Rey laughed and nodded setting her back on her feet watching her run over to the other kids chatting happily.

Ben enveloped her in a hug, "I love you so damn much, Rey."

She clung to his back, "I'm hopelessly in love with you, Ben. I need you forever."

Pulling back, Ben's warm hand cups her jaw leaning in his lips drag along her own, "Then you shall have me forever."

Her fingers tangle in his dark locks pulling a low groan from him, "Not here, Rey. Too many children and I'm not finished with the surprise."

"There's more?" Her tone baffled.

He looked away bashfully, "Yes, I hope you like it. It's in the library."

"Don't keep me waiting then," she teased. Taking her hand he led her to the room. Her eyes wandered the large expanse, rows upon rows of bookcases that you could get lost in until they landed to her right where a lounging room was. There hung a vast painting. Realization hit her like a two-ton truck and her hand slipped out of Ben's.

Tears filled her eyes running her fingertips along the cherry-wood frame, eyes flitting between every detail.

Hux and her as teenagers, his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulder. Ben had captured their wide smiles, her in her denim overalls and him in his torn jeans paired with the white shirt he wore way too much. His cap on backward the sun hitting his blue eyes perfectly. The joy seeping from their every pore when all they had to worry about was going to school. This picture had been taken mere weeks before he…her heart clenched miserably. How the hell did he even have this picture?

"How?" She muttered letting the tears fall.

"I got in touch with Obi-Wan."

Her world turned on its axis, whipping around to face him, "What do you mean Obi-Wan?"

A knock at the door and then there he was. Her sensei. The one who had held her when her world was falling apart. The one who told her that the pain may never disappear but she would still be capable of being strong and loving again. This caring man that she didn't even have the decency to stay in touch with.

"I always knew that you were bound to do amazing works in this life and you have my young grasshopper," he proclaimed with a wink, "Ben told me about what you did for him and all that you have done for other individuals bound to the chains of life. You have driven people to want to get well and I couldn't be more proud of you my dear child."

"Obi-wan," she whispered and suddenly she was running to him throwing her arms around his neck holding him close, "I've missed you so much."

"I'm sorry my dear that I've been absent for so long."

"I'm just glad you're here now."

He smoothed her hair down, "You've met a wonderful man, Rey. He was so nervous to ask for a picture of Hux and yourself but he was so earnest and kind. Humble. Not a hint of jealousy of the love you once had. Don't be angry young one."

Obi-wan had always been capable of reading her like an open book. She didn't want to be upset at the grand gesture Ben had done for her but there was still an inkling of anger at his actions. Obi-Wan was right though, Ben was only showing how much he cared about her, and how willing he was to grow.

"Thank you…sensei."

"You're very welcome, Rey."

They stepped back from each other and bowed. A wide smile on both their faces. Looking around she noted that Ben had disappeared into one of the many rows of the library.

"I'm sorry to have to depart so soon but we shall see each other soon."

"Wait? Sensei, how did you even know I was here?"

He smiled, "Ben texted me. I had been spending some time answering many enthusiastic children's questions about karate."

On that note, he left with a wave leaving Rey to find Ben.

She wandered down each row looking down them to see if there was any sign of the tall brute. Reaching one aisle she saw him leaning against the bookcase, a book in his hand. His eyes wandered over to her.

"I thought I'd give you two some privacy," his deep voice rumbled shutting the book.

Moving closer to him she winded her arms behind her back clasping her fingers together.

"Thank you. What are you reading?" She lowered her eyes to the book and noticed the blush creeping up the pale skin of his neck to where it washed over his cheeks.

"Nothing," he muttered turning to shove it back in its spot. She stopped him in the nick of time yanking it from his loose fingers. She missed the death-glare he shot her, reading the title before he could stop her.

"Priest, huh, never took you as the romance lover," she teased mercilessly, mouth quirked at the sides, "Or someone to like such taboo subjects."

His eyes darkened yanking the book away, "I just happened to wind up here and got curious. I didn't know such dirty books were in my library. Good thing I decided to take a look."

"Seems like you were taking more than a little peek. Seems like you were enjoying whatever was going on in that particular part."

  "Whatever, it was fucking hot," he admitted shoving a hand through his thick locks.

She giggled sidling up to him, his jaw clenched, dark eyes running over her face, "Oh yeah? What was going on it?"

"He was thinking about all the dirty things he wanted to do to her even though he knew it was wrong. Every time he stares at her pretty pink lips he thinks about how badly he wants to shove his cock between them, craving the wet heat," Ben had started to breathe raggedly and she found herself panting after his words, "How much he wants to shove his fingers into her white panties and feel just how drenched she is for him. Tease her until she was screaming out his name begging for more. Only then would he give her the relief she desperately needed."

She couldn't stop herself from palming his length in his jeans, pressing into him so their chests touched. He let out a strained laugh, turning into a groan when she squeezed him.

"I fucking hate how much it turns me on when you get all dominant with me. It's so damn hot that you can kick my ass so easily."

"Turns out that someone is a secret masochist." Smirking she ran her hand up and down reveling in the way he clenched his jaw tossing his head back letting it fall heavily against the wood behind him.

"Only for you," he growled threading his fingers through her hair and holding tight enough for her to let out a whimper, "But I still like my control pretty girl."

Their mouths crashed together, she climbed him like a tree locking her ankles behind his back holding on for dear life as he devoured her essence.

"You're a fucking angel, damn it," he growled against her mouth, "Tell me you're mine."

Her breathing picks up in pace, becoming shallow with every rock against his hardening length.

"I'm _yours_."

He smirks like a predator, "Good girl."

His lips slide over hers, tongue softly gliding over the seam. At that touch her eyes fall closed and her lips part allowing him the entrance he desires. They moan at the connection of their tongues, an electric shock flowing through both of their veins. She can't imagine a world where she isn't able to feel his soft lips against her own. Clinging tighter to him she tries her best to convey how much she loves him through the kiss.

Her fingers slide through his hair, nipping and sucking at his lips as if they were the sweetest candy she had tasted. All the love in her heart pouring into him. She never knew that somebody would come into her life and make her feel this much emotion that it overwhelmed her. Thinking anything could take him away from her scared the living hell out of her. Reaching between them she fumbles with one hand to unfasten his belt but he doesn't seem to care about her hurried movements.

Groaning he angles her head to the side sufficing to kiss her deeper, their lips moving over one another's as if it was second nature. She manages to get his button undone shoving her hand inside his pants feeling the lack of material beneath them. Pulling his cock out she faces it upwards so that it will be in a more comfortable position than before.

Thumbing his tip she uses the liquid gathered there to help guide her movements over the velvety skin where underneath is hard as iron in her hand. His eyelids have grown heavy; looking at her through hooded eyes he turns them so her back is pressed up against the bookcase. Rocking into her hand, his own warm hand drifts up to the back of her neck-lips dragging along her jawline he nips the soft skin right underneath her ear.

He slowly rolled his hips, forcing his length in and out of her closed fist. His breath was warm near her ear, harsh pants escaping him sending a spark up her middle. Her core clenched with the way she was affecting him.

"Damn it, Rey. We have to stop. This isn't the time or place for this. Plus, I want to take my time," he huffed out and she hated how right he was. There were children outside for heaven's sake. Face-palming herself in her mind she let go of his pulsing length. Lowering her to the ground, she was back on stable ground, and he was busy putting himself away, cheeks tainted with red.

"I never thought I'd see the day where Ben Solo was actually shy."

"Shut up," he muttered.

"Thank you," she expressed getting a confused look from him, "Giving these kids a home, the painting, Obi-Wan. You really put yourself out there for me. You are such an amazing man and have such a warm soul. I can't envision my life with anyone but you. I love you."

He groaned grasping onto the sides of her face pulling her close, "You are the love of my life Rey. I will fight for the rest of my life to give you everything you deserve."

"I already have what I want…I have _you_."

 "You've given my life back to me," he lowered his head, mouth hovering over hers; "I am now forever your faithful servant."

She smiled, "My dragon."

His eyes widened before softening and he took her lips in another heated kiss that left her feeling like she was floating on air.

* * *

 

It was after they played with the children for countless hours that she followed him to his new place. She was surprised to see it was a quaint one-story. A short white fence wrapped around it, he allowed her to park in the garage due to the fact he only had a bike still. He told her he had plans on getting a car but as of late he just didn't have the time. She understood now it was because he had been working on the orphanage day and night.

 It still felt like a dream that he had done that for so many helpless children that had no one to call their family. All the kids seemed to get along well and that had warmed her heart even more. The worst thing was feeling like you had no one to turn to, thankfully for herself, she had found both Rose and Hux. She hoped that every kid at the orphanage had at least one person to rely on.

There was a stone pathway that led to the wooden door, unlocking it he allowed her to walk in first. Turning on the light he shut the door behind them ensuring it was locked. The place had a homey feeling, a light cream color in the living room where his television sat along with a couple of leather couches. Paintings covered some parts of the wall, pictures on others. Walking into the kitchen it was a series of dark woods with granite countertops that were a slightly lighter color.

"Would you like something to drink? I have beer, wine, and whiskey or water if you prefer?"

"I would love a glass of wine if you wouldn't mind."

Shaking his head, "Not at all, I have a red and a white. Do you have a preference?"

"Red, please."

She set her purse down on the countertop watching him grab the red along with a wine glass and a tumbler glass. Taking the cork out with ease he poured the wine handing the glass to her once he filled it. Thanking him she took a tentative sip. He opened the freezer taking out a tray of ice cubes and filled up his glass before pouring two fingers of whiskey into it.

"So, what do you think of the place?" He questioned taking a large gulp of his whiskey not even wincing.

"It's beautiful. I like how cozy it is."

"Yeah, I figured the mansion was too big for just one man. This place is easier to keep clean. I have a pool and a gym room so that's all I really needed from a smaller house. It's not like I lost anything leaving a larger space. Plus, making that into an orphanage was the best thing that could have ever happened. Those kids deserve it more than I do."

"Seriously Ben, I can't thank you enough. What you did was so selfless." Her eyes fluttered, cheeks growing red at her sudden outburst.

He drained his drink, pouring another glass not making her feel more embarrassed than she already felt, "I did it for you. Everything I do is because of how much I love you."

"I think you did it more than just for me. Those kids adore you."

Ebony eyes drifted up to meet hers, "They are all good kids. I just want them to be happy."

"And they are thanks to you."

"Are you happy?" He asked suddenly, she almost choked on her wine.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly how it sounds, _are you happy_?"

Setting her wine down she walked up to him, having to crane her neck to keep their eyes glued to each other, "Yes, what makes you think I'm not?"

Worrying his bottom lip, she grew fascinated by the flush that covered his cheeks, "I think you can do a hell of a lot better than me."

Fixing him with a glare she placed her hands on his sides digging her nails in, "I want only you, Ben. Don't get insecure. My desire is solely for you and the only man I'm going to let between these thighs is _you_. So, get that through your thick skull. My heart, my soul, my entire being belongs to you now. Don't leave me out to dry."

"Rey," he murmured hands falling on either side of her face, "You're too damn cute for your own good."

She scoffed, rolling her eyes, "Whatever."

Directing her face back to look up at him, he leaned in close her hands tightened on his sides, "Don't be coy. You already know that I'm hopelessly in love with you and you are cute, more than that."

"Ben, just kiss me already."

"So damn greedy," his voice is low and intense as he continues, "You want me to kiss you?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" She snaps getting more restless as his lips skim over hers, his eyes growing pitch black.

Clucking his tongue, he shook his head, "I don't give little girls with attitude what they want."

Her brows furrowed, hands hot on his hips, "Please, Ben. Just give me what I want."

Breathing harder than before, he pressed his forehead against hers, "Damn it, I can't be this dominant fuckhead right now. I just want to worship your body. I thought if I was ever lucky enough to get the chance to be inside you that I would fuck you like a wild animal but now," he pauses, eyes flitting between her own, "I _need_ to make love to you, Rey."

Her heart leaps in joy, "Then do it,” she whispered against his lips…

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO <3


	15. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The more we change  
> The more it all stays the same  
> I know you and I’ve seen your scars  
> Makes you that much more beautiful to me."  
> -Koethe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thirst no more my friends ;)
> 
> I just want to say thank you to everybody who has supported my work and sent such encouraging messages. I honestly can't express how much it means to me but let's just say whenever I feel like I'm losing my way all your sweet comments bring me right back <3 
> 
> Thank you. I am forever humble because of all you amazing souls.
> 
> Much love <3

"Then _do_ it."

He traces the skin along her jaw, reveling in the way her breath hitches, and back arches pressing her body even closer to his. Adrenaline begins to race through his veins, breathing harder than before as he drops his hands to her hips gripping her with his fingertips.

He breathes out hard and presses a chaste kiss to her lips. Moving his lips to the apple of her cheek, her jaw, and down her neck where he sucks on the tender skin. She lets out a low moan as he kisses her neck, he wants to mark her so badly but he tamps that desire down and is careful not to leave marks on her golden skin.

"Ben," she whimpers her head lolling back further. Grasping the back of her neck he supports it, sucking on the revealed skin of her sternum. Licking a strip up to her neck, nipping at her collarbone he is rewarded with a surprised yelp. Smiling against her skin he presses a soothing kiss to it. He lowers his mouth near her ear, loving the way she pants in excitement.

"You make me want to be the best man I can be," a kiss to the underside of her ear, "You make me feel like I can conquer any challenge that is thrown my way," biting her earlobe, "Without you there is no light in my life only unbearable darkness," trailing his lips across her jaw line, "I promise to be yours and yours alone."

His hand tangles in her hair pulling her head back so their eyes could meet, "I feel like the saying ‘I love you' doesn't even begin to explain my feelings for you. This overwhelming sensation that presses down on my heart feels like more than just love," his dark orbs search her hazels, her lips are parted in awe, " _Please_ , don't ever leave me."

"Ben," she can only whisper before his lips crashed against hers. He drops his hands to the back of her thighs, squatting, and lifts her with ease into his strong arms. She wraps her legs around his hips, hands cupping his jaw in a vice hold. The slow roll of her tongue against his is maddening but he's not about to complain. He basks in her touch while guiding them into his bedroom.

Her pelvis undulates seeking the hard length inside his jeans. She nips at his bottom lip, tongue gliding along his and their lips move in time with each other growing more passionate with every nip and suck. 

"You're going to be the end of me," he mutters pressing another bruising kiss to her lips before tossing her on the bed unceremoniously. Shifting his body in between her spread thighs, he couldn't stop himself from grinding his hard cock into the clothed spot between her thighs. She bit her lip trying to silence the loud moans threatening to escape her and he noticed.

"Don't you dare hold back, Rey. I want to hear _every-fucking-sound_ that escapes those pretty lips of yours." He emphasized his point with an unnecessarily hard thrust against her. Her head fell back against the pillow, a pleasure-pain moan fluttering out of her.

Sucking on her pulse-point he began to shove her dress up past her hips, his fingertips traveled up the smooth expanse of her stomach until it hit the edge of her lacy bra. It didn't deter him, shoving underneath he cupped her full, warm breast. They both groaned in pleasure as he did so. Kneading the soft flesh he ran his thumb along the hardening peak and bit down hard on her neck knowing he was going to leave a mark but right now his lust was taking over-there was no stopping him now.

She clawed at his back unable to break the skin due to his shirt. Hunkering back on his haunches, he crossed his hands at the hem of his shirt and tore it up and over his head letting it fall on the ground.

"Sit up beautiful."

Obeying, she sat up and as if already knowing what he wanted lifted her arms up so he could remove the flimsy article of clothing that hid her lace covered breasts from his hungry eyes. The dress found a home on the floor along with his shirt.

Her skin turned bright red, chuckling he brushed his fingertips over the racing spot where her heart sat in her chest. She refused to make eye contact with him, quickly he took her jaw in his hand forcing her to meet his gaze.

"You are so fucking beautiful, Rey. You have _nothing_ to be embarrassed about."

"Their small," she mumbled trying to cover them up but he wasn't having it.

"Don't you dare hide from me," he growled shoving her hand to the side reaching up to the clasp of her bra. Tearing it off of her she let out a gasp, his lips wrapping around one taut peak. She moaned-dark eyes never straying from hers, lavishing her breast as if it were the only thing tethering him to this world. He flicked the nub with the tip of his tongue and she keened off the bed, he thrust his hips seeking some relief for his cock that was desperate to be inside her.

He was going to make her come as many times as he could before he got his relief though. Tampering down his own needs he cupped her other breast, alternating between pinching and rubbing the pain away. He pulled away with a sinful pop, cupping both her breasts in each palm the tip of her nipples resting between his thumb and index finger. Squeezing his fingers together, he began to drive her crazy by licking one nub before switching to the other. Going back and forth until she was writhing beneath him.

Stopping his teasing he crawled down the bed until he was kneeling before her, grasping onto her ankles he pulled her to the edge of the bed. She let out a squeak, "B-Ben, what are you doing?"

Smirking, "What does it look like I'm about to do?" Teasing her with his warm breath wafting over her wet center. He slid his hands up fingering the sides of her panties and releasing a deep breath she lifted up allowing him to slide the material down her legs. Kissing her ankle he tossed the drenched material to the side not caring where it landed.

Strong hands pried her thighs apart, her breathing had turned shallow, and he smiled to himself at how much he affected her. He took in just how pretty she was, pink and glistening for him. Any man's ego would go soaring through the roof if they were able to make the woman they love this fucking wet. His included. He spread her velvet lips causing her entire body to shudder.

"Oh my God," Rey huffed out, he noticed her stomach tensing. Without warning, he sucked hard on her clit and she moved to arch off the bed but his hand spanned out on her stomach forcing her back onto the sheets.

"It's best you remember whose eating your greedy cunt and it isn't God sweetheart," he growled against her skin.

She cried out helplessly, "Ben, please!"

"That's my girl."

Strong arms sneaked underneath her and palmed her firm ass spreading her folds open with his thumbs. Without further hesitation, he licked a strip from her entrance up to her clit and back down. Groaning at the taste of her, he began to devour her dripping cunt such as he would do with her lush mouth. She bucked her hips and he allowed her knowing she was desperate for a release only he could give her.

"Use me, Rey," he grunted spreading her even more, thrusting his tongue into her tight opening.

Her hands flew to his hair, burying her fingers in the thick tresses, and tugging handfuls of it. Latching onto her clit he pressed his broad shoulders against the underside of her knees, slipping a thick digit over her entrance, he began to circle it working her clit in tandem with his tongue.

A choked moan escaped her, he swore he heard her sniffling, whipping his eyes up to where her lips were parted and eyes screwed shut. There were tears streaming down her face and he grew confused instantly stopping only to have her whimper- eyes opening to meet his.

"Rey, you're crying, am I hurting you?"

His heart was thudding hard in his chest, did she regret what was happening right now? He hated how insecure he could get, the scars that marred his skin suddenly seeming like they were throbbing.

"No, it just feels so amazing, Ben. So overwhelming that I can't almost take it but _please don't stop_."

Her words of affirmation wiped away all his doubts, slipping a finger inside her, pressing against her walls that were sucking him in his tongue swirled around her bud. She began to chant his name, tightening her hold on his hair rotating her hips chasing her release. Soon it became all too much, he knew he was stimulating her to the point of no return. Thrusting another finger inside her he was rewarded with her whimpering moans. Curling his fingers he rubbed at the spot mercilessly, she tipped over the edge screaming his name with a pleasured cry.

Slowly thrusting his fingers in and out, he worked her through her orgasm until she was swatting his hand away due to the sensitivity she was experiencing after post-cunnilingus bliss.

Kissing up her naked body he pressed his lips the underside of her jaw, "So fucking perfect."

Smoothing her hands over his broad chest, a rumble emitted from said chest making him sound like a lion about to take his mate.

"Ben," she said trailing her fingertips over his burly back, tracing the tattoo she knew to be there.

"Yes," he mumbled pressing his face into her neck.

"Make love to me."

His breath stuttered, turning ragged, swallowing he maneuvered off of her, "Condom?"

She bit her lip looking bashful, "I'm on birth control and I'm clean…," she trailed off fiddling with the ends of her hair.

"Me too," he replied then blushed furiously, "Well, I mean I'm not on birth control because technically that is impossible but-fuck-yeah I'm clean you know what I meant," he grumbled not making eye contact now.

Her breathy laugh pulled his attention back to her, she ran her hands over his abs, "You're cute when flustered. Is Ben Solo _actually_ nervous?" she teased, her eyes crinkling at the sides.

Scowling down at her, he unfastened his belt, "Of course I'm fucking nervous. The woman I can't live without is spread out before me, naked and so damn perfect. Look at me, Rey, I'm a scarred freak. A monster. I won't ever deserve you."

Fiddling with his button and zipper, he growled at the way his fingers trembled. All bravado had decided to fly out the window making him feel helpless.

She slapped his stomach, "Didn't I tell you to stop doubting yourself? You are not a scarred freak and you are definitely not a monster!"

Sighing, his lips quirked up into a smirk, "I love when you get feisty with me."

Openly glaring at him, she demanded, "Take your pants off and take what is yours."

" _Fuck_ ," he griped getting off the bed almost stumbling over his feet and not missing the way she stifled a laugh. Shoving his pants down he kicked them off and her laugh immediately cut off mouth snapping shut.

Wasting no time in returning between her thighs he lined himself up with her entrance watching how entranced she was with his cock. Ben understood that he was big in every aspect of the word but he swore his cock enlarged even further with the way she practically salivated taking in his body.

He leaned in so close that there is only a small space that separates their bodies, every rise and fall of their chests only ceases for them to press against each other. Wrapping his fingers behind her neck he ran his thumb along her jaw staring her straight in the eyes. With his tip pressed against her opening, he could feel the dull throb between her legs.

"I love you," he expressed, body beginning to tremble. Hazels softening she leaned up pressing a tender kiss to his full lips.

"I love you too."

Languidly he began to sink inch by inch into her welcoming heat. Her walls expanded trying to take his thick girth. She expelled a shaky breath doing her best to relax her body so she would be able to take more of him. His own breath huffed out between his teeth. He already knew how tight she was, she could barely take his two fingers let alone his cock. Now, stretching her to the point he could tell he was causing her pain had him stopping all movement. Letting her adjust to the few inches buried inside her.

Warm hands slide to the back of his neck, tugging gently at the short hairs there.

"Fill me up, Ben. _Please_ , I can handle it."

"Damn it, Rey. I'm sorry." With that, he bottoms out in her.

"Fuck," they say collectively, Ben gritting his teeth while she gets used to being so full.

"You're so fucking tight," he snarled pulling out to the tip and driving in with so much force the bed creaked under them. His length moved in and out of her heat in a rhythm that had her crying out beneath him, "You feel so fucking good, sweetheart."

She was a goddess. Her pink lips were parted, brows cinched together, desperately sucking in air. He slammed his hands down beside her head pressing off of her so he could watch the way his cock disappeared inside of her tight cunt with every push and pull. Perky breasts jiggled with every jerk of his hips. His fingers were gripping her hips hard enough that he was sure to leave bruises. He would regret the action later.

"H-harder," she whimpered, he could feel the danger that flashed behind his eyes. He was supposed to be making love to her not fucking into her like he was more beast than man. Still, who was he to deny what she wanted?

Hooking his hands on the underside of her knees he pressed her legs back until her thighs were touching her chest. Her eyes widened in fear.

"You want it harder?" He demanded.

"Y-yes," she whispered not sounding entirely sure anymore. Innocence radiated off of her and he almost felt bad for what he was about to do. _Almost_.

This already was the best sexual experience of his life and he was determined to bring them both to heights they had not previously known. Holding her complacent beneath him he plunged back inside her reaching so deep that he felt himself meeting resistance. She screamed so loud he was sure that the neighbor's miles away on each side of him heard her. Her hands flayed out landing on his back digging her nails in so deep he could feel the skin breaking.

"So deep," she muttered over and over again, gasping for breath.

He began to move inside her with purpose, groaning at the way her walls sucked him in greedily. She clenched down so tight that she ripped a whimper out of him. He was pissed off at the pathetic sound and drove his hips even more wildly than before. Her lips sought his out and he met her halfway slipping his tongue in. The kiss was sloppy. A mixture of tongues and teeth clacking but neither one of them pulled away.

He began to pick up his pace, bracing himself on his elbows now, hovering over her as he rotated his hips in a way that was sure to increase her pleasure. She tangled her fingers in his hair, sucking on his tongue while he nipped at her bottom lip in retaliation.

He grabbed both her wrists slamming them to the pillow, breathing hard as he maintained his erratic rhythm. His fingertips glided along her palms before slipping into her own. They joined their hands together both meeting each other's thrusts now. He bit down hard on her shoulder, a high-pitched moan escaped her nails biting into his knuckles.

Somehow he intensified his speed, slamming inside her tight cunt that it sent sparks flashing behind his eyes. Her body began to convulse underneath his, a strangled sound getting stuck in her throat. He bit down a sound of pain at the way she dug her claws into him, yet, he still refused to stop his ministrations rocking her through her orgasm. She clamped down on him and released a stream of cries, his name tumbling out of her mouth like a waterfall.

His thrusts stuttered, becoming more sloppy and erratic than before. He crashed his lips against hers as his climax roared through his body. He released inside of her, pulling his lips away only to find that he was panting like a madman. His chest rising and falling so hard it felt like someone knocked the wind out of him. Their fingers disentangle from one another and he clasps the side of her jaw pressing a kiss to the crown of her head smothering his face into her sweaty tresses.

Gritting his teeth he pulls out of her begrudgingly watching as his cum seeps out of her. She seems dazed and he can't help but chuckle at the sight.

"You okay princess?"

She glowered at him, "I think I just died and went to heaven. This is the ghost of Rey speaking."

He also couldn't get over how strange his girl was, blurting out whatever came to her mind. Shaking his head he cleaned her off and returned to the bed next to her pulling her back up against his front. He mouthed her spine reveling in the quake of her body as he did so.

"Get some rest," he murmured, their heartbeats began to fall in line with each other and before they both knew it they had fallen asleep holding tightly to one another.

 

Sunlight streamed in through the windows, Ben pulled the warm body next to him closer and snuggled his nose into the crook of her neck. Eyes fluttering open, the world blurry for a moment until they focused and golden skin came into his view.

So it wasn't just a dream? He thought to himself pressing a tender kiss to her shoulder. She moaned softly, firm ass rubbing back against his cock.

"Need to fuck you," he grunted by her ear.

She made no moves to stop him as he grasped the underside of her knee positioning it a little higher so he could rub his hardening cock up and down through the slickness that had already gathered at her center.

This time around it was a slow build, his cock dipped into her in a steady rhythm his fingers working her clit until they both fell apart with soft moans.

Finally, they decided they couldn't spend the day in bed and took a shower. They both couldn't hold back going for another round. She bent over as Ben impaled her from behind. There was a rage in his thrusts that caused one of the most explosive orgasms she had yet. Eventually, the two dressed and ate a heaping amount of eggs, bacon, and toast to regain their energy.

"Ben, I just want to say thanks again for helping those children. It truly means the world that you spent countless hours working selflessly for the good of others."

He scoffed, "Enough thanking me. I would do it all again in a heartbeat."

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr! 
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


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